Sensitivity: Clean

Clean humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Quit Making Spectacles of Yourselves

    A monocle strolls into a bar. After a couple of drinks, he starts feeling pretty great (and a bit unsteady). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender cuts him off. “Sorry, pal, but city rules ban smoking inside. You’ll have to go outside if you want to smoke.”

    So the monocle jumps down from the bar stool and picks up his cigarettes to head out. At the same time, a second monocle comes out of the bathroom. They collide as they pass each other and tumble to the ground, completely twisted together. They attempt to untangle themselves, but the harder they try, the more knotted they get.

    The bartender stares down at the mess and shakes his head. “Hey, you two!” he yells. “Quit making spectacles of yourselves!”

  • Toss the Ball

    In some sports you toss the ball to the fans after a victory….

    You’re not supposed to do that when bowling. I know that now.

  • Antivaxxer Microbiologist

    Antivaxxer Microbiologist

    Ahmad @BlkMamba: Just found out my coworker is a antivaxxer.. we’re microbiologists

    JS @foamtherunway: I work with a flat earther… at an airline.

  • Buffet Line

    Buffet Line

    Everyone lines up for the main course while the salad sits alone

  • Yes, We Arson

    Kid: Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

    Dad: Yes, we arson.

  • Prophets Going Through the Roof

    I just opened a store selling trampolines disguised as prayer mats.

    Prophets are going through the roof!

  • Hit the Roof

    I told my wife that I’ve swapped our bed for a trampoline.

    She hit the roof!

  • Glazed Eyes

    “Your eyes look red,” said the cop. “Have you been smoking weed?”

    “Your eyes look glazed,” I replied. “Have you been eating donuts?”

  • It’s a Date!

    A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He’s reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says, “Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward, but I would love to grab coffee with you some time.”

    Flattered, the man responds, “Sure… but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?”

    “Well…” the woman says. “A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing a Metallica t-shirt. They’re my favorite band of all time. When they went on their …And Justice for All tour, my parents took me to see them in Chicago. I was twelve years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Metallica.”

    The man can’t believe it.

    “I saw them play in Chicago too! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Mike and I told our parents we were sleeping at each other’s houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city, and saw them play at the World Music Theater!”

    Naturally, they’re both shocked.

    “If that isn’t weird enough…” says the woman. “I noticed you’re reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He’s my favorite author.”

    Now the man is really taken aback. “Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in nineteenth-century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer. I absolutely love Mark Twain.”

    They both can’t believe it… this has got to be a match made in heaven.

    “Ok…” the woman says. “Well, buckle up because here’s the icing on the cake. I noticed you’re eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we’d go up and harvest the plums with him. He’d dry them and by the time we’d go back to his place for Thanksgiving he’d always have those prunes saved just for us. They’re my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you’re eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?”

    The man puts down his fruit and responds, “It’s a date!”