Sensitivity: Dark

Dark humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Blonde and the Gun

    This blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her. She goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and, sure enough, she opens the door to find him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is angry.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    She opens her purse, takes out the gun but, as she does, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and points it to her head.

    The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.”

    The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next.”

  • Come Forth and Receive

    And Jesus said unto his disciples, “Come forth, and you shall receive everlasting life…”

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    But John came fifth and received a set of steak knives.

    Peter came last and had to eat the biscuit.

  • Home in Time for Dinner

    Decided to quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money!

    I should be home in time for dinner.

  • The Widow and the Thief

    Late one night, a thief broke into a widow’s house.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    He pointed a gun and said, “You’ve got two choices… You can die… or you can enjoy.”

    Terrified, the widow gave in.

    Afterward, the thief fell asleep.

    When morning came, the widow quietly took the gun from his hand and pointed it at him.

    The thief woke up frozen in fear.

    The widow smiled and said, “Now you have two choices… You can go home… or we can go again.”

  • The Golf Mulligan

    A buddy of mine was in his residency as an ER doctor and his shift was just ending on a Saturday afternoon. As he was trying to walk out the door, he sees this old man in golf clothing dragging his unconscious wife into the ER.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    She’s covered in blood from a head wound and my friend immediately starts looking her over right there in the lobby of the emergency room to find her wound.

    Trying to remain calm he asks, “What happened here, sir?”

    The husband is in a panic and totally exhausted from carrying her dead weight from the parking area, and is just stumbling over his words and rambling all over the place as he tries to explain.

    “Well, me and my wife have been married for 35 years and every Saturday morning since our wedding day we’ve played a round of golf together. You see her dad was a local golf pro…”

    “Sir, please try to focus here. How did your wife get injured?”

    “Sorry. So I play from the men’s tees, she plays from the women’s tees, and she normally drops me off in the cart before heading over to her tee box, and waits for me to hit and then I walk over to her.”

    “Sir!” My buddy’s getting frustrated, because he’s really struggling with the wound, there’s a lot of blood, and he’s working frantically at this point.

    “I’m explaining it to you, son! So anyways she drops me off like always and I set up for my drive and I thinned it! I never thin it! Never! But, TODAY, I thinned it! Lo and behold that ball had eyes for my dear wife, Agnes’ head. I yell ‘Fore!’ but she wasn’t looking and boom! Straight to the back of her head!”

    He just starts weeping at this point, clearly overcome by guilt.

    Finally my buddy finds the cause of the bleeding but he’s confused.

    “Sir, I actually see two injuries here.”

    The old man dries his eyes, instantly gains his composure, and states matter of factly, “Well I had to take a mulligan.”