Sensitivity: Dark

Dark humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Golf Shot Behind the Barn

    A guy golfing with his wife gets to the first par 3 on the course. He lines up the shot, takes a swing and slices it way right of the green — landing behind a barn!

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    He walks up to his ball and sees that he doesn’t have a shot to the hole because there’s a giant barn in the way.

    His wife chimes in: “Honey, why don’t you open up the front doors of the barn, I’ll open up the back doors, you’ll have a perfectly clear shot to the hole, and you can save par!”

    It was an amazing idea.

    So they open the doors and sure enough he has a perfect shot to the hole. He lines up the shot, takes a swing, shanks it badly, the ball ricochets off the barn, hits his wife in the head and KILLS her instantly!

    Years later, after remarrying, he takes his new wife to the same course.

    When he gets to the par 3 he takes his shot, slicing the ball way right, again landing directly behind the barn! Furious with himself, he walks up to the ball and just stands over his shot.

    His new wife says, “Honey, I have an amazing idea! Why don’t you open the front doors of the barn, I will open the…”

    The husband interrupts her — “WOAH HEY WHOA WHOA WHOA, WAIT A SECOND! The last time I did that on this hole, I wound up making a triple bogey!”

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  • No Mother Should Fear For Her Sons Life Robbing A Store

    No Mother Should Fear For Her Sons Life Robbing A Store

  • Swimming With The Fishes Coral Reef

    Swimming With The Fishes Coral Reef

  • Smoked Crack After Work And Sold The Car

    Smoked Crack After Work And Sold The Car

  • The Moth Exterminator

    A man is banging a married woman when suddenly they hear the front door slam. “It’s my husband, hide in the bathroom!” says the woman frantically.

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    The man runs into the bathroom just as the husband enters the bedroom. “Honey, why are you naked?” he asks.

    “I was waiting for you, dear,” she says.

    The husband walks into the bathroom and sees a naked man standing there, poking the ceiling with the toilet plunger. “Who the hell are you?” the husband yells.

    “The moth exterminator,” says the naked man.

    “Why the hell are you naked?” shouts the husband.

    The naked man looks down, jumps back in shock, and yells, “Those sneaky little bastards!”

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  • Hung Like This Jesus

    Hung Like This Jesus

  • The Holy Water Fountain

    Father Rick has lately gotten news that some of the Sisters had been naughty, and he decided to take action. He gathered the Nuns and made them line up in front of the church’s courtyard fountain of holy water.

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    “Now sisters. I understand that desire can be strong. But today you wash away your sins. You name your sin and wash it away with the holy water.”

    The first nun in line admits to having peeked and stared at a penis, so she washes her eyes with the holy water. The second nun admitted to having touched a penis, so she washes her hand in the holy water…

    Then, suddenly, Sister Clarice starts bumping all the other nuns to get to the front of the line.

    “Sister, sister, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but everybody will get their turn.”

    “Well, I’ll tell you what, Father. If I must gargle this holy water, I’m sure going to do it before Sister Marie dunks her ass in it!”

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  • Make Sure Hes Really Dead

    Two hunters are out in the woods when one collapses. The other calls 911, panicking: “I’m out hunting with my friend. He just fell over, his eyes rolled back in his head, and he’s not breathing. I think he’s dead! What can I do?”

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    The operator calmly replies: “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s really dead.” The phone gets quiet at the 911 emergency services’ end for a few seconds, then a gunshot is heard.

    The caller returns: “OK, that’s taken care of — now what?”

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  • Jeffrey Dahmer Stops Blender

    Jeffrey Dahmer Stops Blender

  • You Didnt Tell Me You Had a Prescription

    A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”

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    The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”

    The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

    The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

    The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

    The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

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