Sensitivity: Dark

Dark humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Leprechaun Wish at the World Cup

    England had made the FIFA World Cup final, but poor Nigel was absolutely gutted. Due to a spate of bad financial luck, he had to cancel his plans to travel across the pond and cheer on his countrymen in person.

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    While sulking on a walk, he spotted a four-leaf clover.

    “Maybe my luck has turned,” he said hopefully to himself.

    He picked it up, and suddenly, a little leprechaun with a bushy red beard appeared. It did a little dance and sang: “Hiya! I’m Happy McTavish, the magical leprechaun! It’s yer lucky fuckin’ day! Make yourself a wish, and I’ll grant it straight away! He-he-he!”

    Nigel didn’t hesitate. “I wish to be on the pitch with England in the World Cup final!”

    “DONE!”

    The leprechaun snapped its fingers, and a moment later, Nigel was on the pitch. It was all he could do to not burst into tears. Then Nigel thought – Hold on. Where are my arms and legs?

    Then BAM! Kicked in the face. BAM! Kicked in the face. BAM! Kicked in the face.

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  • May I Speak to Mr. Green

    A receptionist at a law office picks up the phone…

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    “Can I speak to Mr. Green, please?” a little voice at the other end asks.

    “Oh, I’m sorry,” the receptionist says, “Mr. Green died last week.”

    “Thank you.” The little voice then hangs up.

    The next day, the phone rings again. The same little voice asks, “May I speak to Mr. Green, please?”

    The receptionist says, “I’m pretty sure you called yesterday, and I told you that Mr. Green is dead.”

    “Thank you.” The little voice responds again, then hangs up.

    The next day, the phone once again rings, and the same little voice asks, “May I speak to Mr. Green, please?”

    The receptionist is getting quite annoyed at this point. “Look, I know you’re the same person who called the last two days, and I told you that Mr. Green is dead! What about that don’t you understand!”

    The little voice responds, “Oh, I understand perfectly. I just love to hear you say it.”

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  • The Second Coming

    A Catholic girl goes into confession and says to the priest, “I’m pregnant.”

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    He asks, “How did this happen, my child?”

    She says, “I think it must be the second coming.”

    The priest, shocked by this reply, asks, “What makes you think it is the second coming?”

    She replies, “Because I swallowed the first one!”

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  • Keep an Eye Out

    A man walks into a brothel and says he wants an experience like he’s never had before.

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    The lady behind the desk nods with a devious smile and says room 2. The man enters the room and sees a very plain looking middle aged woman. She comes over to him and pops out her eyeball from the socket and says, “In here.” He has the most incredible experience of his entire life by far. As he was leaving he said, “Oh my God, I must see you again.”

    She said, “I’ll keep an eye out for you!”

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  • He’s Deaf

    Doc: I have bad news and really bad news… the bad news is your baby is just an ear… a 6-pound 5-ounce baby ear. No arms or legs or head… just an ear.

    But that’s not the worst part…. He’s DEAF!

  • The Frat Bro and the Nuns

    Two frat bros are walking along when they see a group of nuns walking up the opposite side of the street.

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    After a little bit of a ruckus, one of the young men runs across the road and approaches the nuns.

    “Excuse me, are you the head nun?” he asks the lead nun sheepishly.

    “Yes, my son. I am the Mother Superior of the convent. What can I do for you?” she replies with a curious grin.

    “Well ma’am, I have a strange question. But, umm, are any of your nuns midgets?” he spits out. Seeing her shocked face, he continues. “You know, maybe a dwarf, pygmy, something like that?”

    “My son,” she calmly states, “we would welcome anyone into our convent, regardless of stature. But no, we currently have no sisters that are little people.”

    And with that the frat bro turns to his buddy, who is still on the other side of the road, and hollers, “Hey Gary, I told you ya fucked a penguin last night!”

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  • Quit While He Was a Head

    A baby is born but he doesn’t have a body.

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    He’s only a head. They called him Steven. Steven was a happy child and he lived as normal a life as you could under those circumstances. Finally when he reached 21 his dad said, “Come on son we’re going to have a drink to celebrate your birthday.”

    He put the head on the counter and he ordered two pints of Guinness. He said cheers and he poured a sip into his son’s mouth. To everyone’s surprise, a neck and shoulders popped out like balloons. With tears of joy, the dad gave him another sip, and pop! Two arms came out of the shoulders! The dad gave him a third sip, and pop! He grew a torso! And he gave him a fourth sip and pop! He grew legs! They had to get out of there to get him some clothes because he never had any before. His dad helped him to the door because he was unsteady on his feet because they were new and because of the drink.

    He stumbled into the street and got hit by a car, instantly killing him.

    The bartender said, “Poor guy. He should have quit while he was a head.”

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  • No Internet in the Confession Box

    A man enters a confession box at late night.

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    “Father, I’ve sinned. I watch pornography 12 hours a day.”

    The priest asks, “12 hours? How is that even possible?”

    The man says, “Easy. Four hours in the morning, four in the evening, four at night.”

    The priest asks, “Did you watch 12 hours today too?”

    The man replies, “No, only 11 hours and 55 minutes.”

    The priest asks, “Why is that?”

    The man replies, “Because there is no Internet in the confession box.”

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  • It’s Up a Fairway

    A guy came to the doctor, asking if he could help get a golf ball out of his ass.

    “I don’t think I can. It’s up a fairway.”

  • Titanic Annual Deaths One Of My Favorite Graphs

    Titanic Annual Deaths One Of My Favorite Graphs