Sensitivity: PG-13
Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Pissing Skittles
Unfortunately, it wasn’t until after I had spent three days eating nothing but beets and asparagus, and downing enough Karo syrup to kill a horse, that I realized maybe it was actually during a dream when I came up with my super-secret formula for “pissing Skittles.”
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At least she’ll never be hungry
I bet if an eagle’s daughter ever flew off with a buzzard, the eagle would react nobly and think, “Well, at least she’ll never be hungry.”
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I didn’t even know he was a health nut
I don’t really understand the popularity of this Pilate’s workout, but then, I’m not a very religious person. Hell, I didn’t even know he was a health nut.
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The nice one with the gold sequins
When I think back about my grandpa, I always picture him in a Wonder Woman outfit. Not his around-the-house one, but the nice one with the gold sequins.
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A complete prick
When I first met Richard Peter Johnson, he seemed like a decent guy, but he turned out to be a complete prick.
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I wouldn’t have to pay so much
The zoo should be open 24 hours a day. That way, when I’m drunk at 3 a.m. and feel like seeing a monkey, I wouldn’t have to pay so much.
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Recruit a few disciples
When I face a problem, I stop and ask myself, “What would Jesus do?” It works. Drinking wine, sitting around talking, drinking more wine, telling parables, drinking more wine, and talking to God really does pretty much solve any problem I have. Now if only I could recruit a few disciples.
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Top 13 Signs You’re a Man Trapped in a Woman’s Body (Part II)
13. Three drinks into the bachelorette party, you’ve got a bridesmaid in a headlock telling her how much you love her.
12. If you can locate the sink in under two minutes, the bathroom is clean enough.
11. You’re having trouble grasping the concept of “too much porn.”
10. Late to your wedding because of wardrobe issues? No. Feeling overly emotional? Hardly. Wouldn’t stop to ask for directions? Bingo.
9. Even though it’s only for men, you take Levitra because Ditka’s word is gospel.
8. You use a glue gun to make sure the toilet seat stays up.
7. You constantly scratch your crotch and “adjust” yourself to get comfortable — in line at Starbucks.
6. You just can’t seem to watch Baywatch with your mouth closed.
5. You’re the only woman in the office who heads to the restroom with a full coffee mug and the USA Today sports section.
4. Your friends find you drunk in the restroom yelling, “Show us yer tits!” at the lavatory mirror.
3. Those tiny bits of chaw stuck in your lipstick.
2. You have a fine appreciation for the subtle genius and brilliant comic timing that is Andrew Dice Clay.
And Topfive.com’s number one sign you’re a man trapped in a woman’s body…
1. You haven’t been invited for a girls’ night out since your infamous “farting the alphabet” incident.
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Mother Nature and the Buttercups
I was out playing golf and sliced a shot into a field of buttercups.
Just as I was about to hit, I heard a voice say, “Don’t hurt any buttercups.”
I asked, “Who are you?”
“I’m Mother Nature. If you can chip out of this field of buttercups without harming a single one, I’ll guarantee you have butter every day for the rest of your life.”
I said, “Screw you. Where were you last week when I sliced into a field of pussy willows?”
