I’m starting a vibrator repair service.
I’m calling it “Inspect Her Gadget.”
Sensitivity: PG-13
Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Inspect Her Gadget
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Before and After Marriage
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After marriage, the “Y” becomes silent.
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Top 12 Things We Are Most Thankful for This Year
12. Urinal-water-resistant phone cases.
11. Being picked for the “Survivor” series filming over the remainder of the Presidential Primary season.
10. Toilet paper without pieces of bark in it.
9. Black Friday retailers who arm their staff with Tasers.
8. My wife for giving me a new AR-15 after my old one was taken from me in an armed robbery.
7. That there are six degrees of separation between me and Charlie Sheen.
6. I would show you how thankful I am for the Oxford Dictionary’s word of the year, but emojis don’t work here.
5. Terrorism and refugee crises put in perspective by students protesting certain Halloween costumes.
4. “Relaxed fit” Jeggings!
3. With the presidential election still a year away, 12 more months of Trump jokes!
2. Lube and needle-nose pliers. Please don’t ask why.
And the number one thing we’re most thankful for this year…
1. The love, patience, and understanding of my fam… [snort]… [chuckle]… sorry. Couldn’t say it with a straight face. CRONUTS, baby! Cronuts are friggin’ AWESOME!
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Top 16 Reindeer Mob Nicknames
16. Rudolph “Bloody Nose” Valentino
15. Dancer “On Your Grave” Zamboni
14. Rudolph “Red Light District” Gambini
13. Dancer “Crazy Legs” Baryshnikov
12. Dancer “With the Fishes” Rigatoni
11. Prancer “The Florist” DiFlamingo
10. Prancer “Twinkle Toes” Balleria
9. Comet “The Cleaner” Colombo
8. Cupid “Kiss of Death” Donnitelli
7. Blitzen “The Mad Bavarian” Schultz
6. Donner “Teflon Donner” Gotti
5. Rudolph “Rudy” Giuliani
4. Donner “Party” Cannibali
3. Dancer “Tiny” Eltonjohni
2. Vixen “The Big Antler” De Luca
And the number one Reindeer Mob nickname…
1. Donner “Chimney Plugger” Terrazzo
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The Lone Ranger’s Three Wishes
The Lone Ranger is riding across the range when he gets captured by a group of Native Americans.
The tribal leader shows the Lone Ranger his deepest respect, as the Ranger is considered an honorable man. He offers the Ranger three wishes before he is to be put to death by fire.
The Ranger calls for his faithful horse, Silver, and whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse rides off into the distance and a short time later returns with a beautiful blonde riding in his saddle.
The tribal leader is impressed and offers his personal tent to the Ranger. After some time in the tent, the Ranger emerges and asks for his horse again. He whispers in the horse’s ear, and Silver darts off into the distance. This time, Silver returns with a beautiful brunette on his saddle.
The tribal leader is impressed yet again and gestures toward his tent. Once the Ranger emerges from the tent, he asks to see his horse one last time.
The Ranger slaps Silver as hard as he can and says, “Read my lips, you stupid horse! I said POSSE!”
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Kick his ass at Quarters
You know that guy who keeps winning every day on the game show “Jeopardy!”? Betcha I could kick his ass at Quarters. Ha! Take another shot, pencil neck!
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Top 16 Things Overheard During Saddam’s Trial
16. “Let the record show that the defendant has entered a plea of ‘not guilty by reason of oppressive tyranny.’”
15. “Seventeen consecutive life sentences? You can do that time standing on your head, big guy. No, really.”
14. “Mr. Hussein, could you please tell the court why this goat looks at you so fondly?”
13. “Call Rumsfeld. He’ll vouch for me.”
12. “Speaking of WMDs, either we need air conditioning in this courtroom or Saddam has to quit eating prison food.”
11. “Your Honor, Mr. Hussein would like to present evidence implicating the entire state of Florida as the true architect of recent evil.”
10. “And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for those meddling kids and that dog!”
9. “In Iraq, we understand that torture obtains information, murder instills fear and respect, and attempted genocide puts down rebellions — but Zabibah and the King? A completely inexcusable offense, you vile son of a dog!”
8. “We’ll drop the charges if you’d just please tell us where a WMD is — preferably right before the election.”
7. “Word is that his name around the cell block is Shirley.”
6. “Would jurors number 7 and 12 please put down the RPGs?”
5. “Well, yes, he does kind of look like Billy Joel, now that you mention it.”
4. “He was found living in a hole and has been in prison ever since, yet he still looks healthier than Cheney.”
3. “I would never order the deaths of my fellow citizens. However, we did respond in self-defense after an epidemic of people charged our firing squads, single file.”
2. “Your Honor, the soldiers who found Mr. Hussein would like to apologize to the court for not shooting him instead.”
And Topfive.com’s number one thing overheard during Saddam’s trial…
1. “Bail is set at ‘when monkeys fly out of my butt singing show tunes.’”
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Top 14 Recent Headlines You May Have Missed
The Top 14 Recent Headlines You May Have Missed
14) Alec Baldwin is out for six weeks after spraining his brain doing a Trump impression.
13) Experts say some of the people can be fooled all of the time.
12) Army Corps declares tribal casino the best site for a pipeline crossing.
11) Newly sentient computer commits suicide after seeing the newspaper.
10) Reduced viewership leads the NFL to introduce Assless Chaps Thursday Night Football and Catch-a-Pass/Do-a-Shot Tuesday Night Football.
9) Vera Wang changes her first name to “Huge.”
8) New Starbucks “Baby Jesus Christmas Cup” infuriates pro-Santa groups.
7) Kanye West is being treated in a psychiatric hospital for behaving like Kanye West.
6) Dolly Parton’s sales sag, but not as much as her other assets.
5) The War on Christmas is now longer than WWII, yet the U.S. is no closer to victory.
4) Well-dressed homeless guy shouting on a corner is actually Mel Gibson.
3) Canada closes its borders to stave off an influx of Hollywood refugees.
2) Pregame anthem protests intensify during National Accordion Week.
And the #1 recent headline you may have missed…
1) Keith Richards continues to defy 2016: “C’mon, ya pussy, do yer worst!”
