Sensitivity: PG-13

Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Top 15 Signs It’s Too F*#king Cold (Part 2)

    The Top 15 Signs It’s Too F*#king Cold (Part 2)

    15) Suddenly every woman’s T-shirt looks like Jennifer Aniston’s.

    14) Lines wrap around the block for help-wanted signs at crematoriums.

    13) Bipartisan agreement emerges to relocate Trump’s inauguration to Mar-a-Lago.

    12) The annual Polar Bear Club outing gets moved to the YMCA indoor pool.

    11) You can see your breath and can’t wear flip-flops (Southern California only).

    10) Every fire hydrant has two or three dogs stuck to it.

    9) Dick Cheney’s cold, dead heart raises Wyoming’s temperature by five degrees.

    8) The Kardashian clan has buttoned their blouses all the way up.

    7) Climate-change deniers start scheduling their annual “Global warming, my ass!” press conferences.

    6) Hillary Clinton breaks out her ice tiara.

    5) You gather the family around a witch’s tit for warmth.

    4) The state of Florida asks President Trump to build a wall on its northern border.

    3) Ann Coulter’s heart just asked for a sweater.

    2) The Devil just ordered red thermal “Make Hell Great Again” long johns.

    And the #1 sign it’s too F*#king cold…

    1) Junior just chipped his milk teeth on your wife’s nipples.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • Harvard Sweatshirts and Embarrassing Checkups!

    Some questions are better left unasked.

    A girl goes into the doctor’s office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red “H” on her chest.

    “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks the doctor.

    “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard, and he’s so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

    A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue “Y” on her chest.

    “How did you get that mark on your chest?” the doctor asks.

    “Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale, and he’s so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love,” she replies.

    A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green “M” on her chest.

    “Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?” asks the doctor.

    She replies, “No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin.”

    “Why do you ask?”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail
  • Best Summary of Libertarianism

    Best Summary of Libertarianism

    Best Summary of Libertarianism
  • It’s Frank and You Know It

    It’s Frank and You Know It

    It’s Frank and You Know It
  • Slightly Upset

    Slightly Upset

    Slightly Upset

  • Condom Conundrums: A Young Man’s Dilemma

    A young man goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

    The pharmacist tells him they come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which he’d like.

    “Well,” the young man says, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while, and she’s really hot. I think tonight’s the night. We’re having dinner with her parents, then we’re going out afterward. I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky… and once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time. Better give me the 12-pack.”

    So he buys the condoms and leaves.

    Later that evening, he’s sitting at dinner with the girl and her parents. He asks if he can say the blessing, and they agree.

    He starts praying… and keeps praying… and praying… for several minutes.

    Finally, the girl leans over and whispers, “You never told me you were such a religious person.”

    He whispers back,

    “You never told me your father was a pharmacist.”

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail

  • A lot of things changed

    When my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot of things changed.
    Like my name, my phone number, and my address.

  • They’re calling it PaPal

    Did you hear the Vatican is releasing an online payment system to absolve you of your sins?
    They’re calling it PaPal.

  • I didn’t know she sold flowers

    My girlfriend asked why I never buy her flowers.

    I told her I didn’t know she sold flowers.

  • Unexpected Guests: A Night at the Farm

    A Jew, a Hindu, and a lawyer are driving down a country road.

    Of course, their car breaks down, and they are forced to walk. They walk for hours, and as the sun is setting, they come upon an old farmhouse. They decide to take a chance and knock on the door. An old farmer answers, and the trio explain their situation.

    The farmer says, “Welp, ain’t nobody ’round here can help y’all till the morning. But y’all are welcome to spend the night here. But one of y’all is gonna have to bed down in the barn, ’cause I only got two spare beds, ya see.”

    So the trio draws straws, and the Jew gets the short one. He goes out to the barn to sleep, and everyone else goes to bed.

    A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and the Jew is standing there. The Jew says, “I can’t sleep in the barn. There’s a pig in there. It’s forbidden for me to sleep near such a filthy animal.”

    So they wake up the Hindu, and he agrees to swap places with the Jew. Everyone goes back to bed.

    A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and the Hindu is standing there. The Hindu says, “I can’t sleep in the barn. There’s a cow in there. I am unworthy to sleep near such a holy animal.”

    So they wake up the lawyer, and he goes out to sleep in the barn. Everyone goes back to bed.

    A few minutes later, the farmer hears a knock on his door. He opens it, and there’s a pig and a cow standing there.

    Share:TwitterFacebookLinkedinRedditWhatsappEmail