Sensitivity: PG-13

Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Little Johnny is Smart

    A female third-grade teacher was having a problem with Little Johnny in her class.

    Little Johnny said, “Teacher, I should be in Grade 4. I’m smarter than my sister, and she’s in Grade 4.”

    The teacher had heard enough and took him to the principal.

    The principal decided to test Little Johnny with some Grade 4 questions.

    Principal: “What is 3+3?”
    Little Johnny: “6.”

    Principal: “6+6?”
    Little Johnny: “12.”

    Little Johnny got all the questions right, so the principal told the teacher to send him to Grade 4 immediately.

    The teacher decided to ask her own questions, and the principal agreed.

    Teacher: “What does a cow have four of that I have only two?”
    Little Johnny: “Legs.”

    Teacher: “What is in your trousers that I don’t have?”
    Little Johnny: “Pockets.”

    Teacher: “What starts with C and ends with T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
    Little Johnny: “Coconut.”

    Teacher: “What goes in hard, then comes out soft and sticky?”
    The principal’s eyes opened wide, but before he could stop him, Little Johnny answered:
    Little Johnny: “Bubble gum.”

    Teacher: “You stick your pole inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.”
    Little Johnny: “Tent.”

    The principal was looking restless.

    Teacher: “A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.”
    Little Johnny: “Wedding ring.”

    Teacher: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.”
    Little Johnny: “Nose.”

    Teacher: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.”
    Little Johnny: “Arrow.”

    Principal: “OH MY GOD!”

    Teacher: “What starts with F and ends with K, and if you don’t get it, you have to use your hand?”
    Little Johnny: “Fork.”

    Teacher: “What is it that all men have, it’s longer in some men than others, the Pope doesn’t use his, and a man gives it to his wife after marriage?”
    Little Johnny: “Surname.”

    Principal: “Ohooo!”

    Teacher: “What part of a man has no bone, but has muscles with a lot of veins and is responsible for making love?”
    Little Johnny: “Heart.”

    Principal: “Eeeeeh!”

    The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, “Send this boy straight to college. I got all the answers wrong myself!”

  • Mormon and Irishman

    A Mormon and an Irishman were seated next to each other in first class on a flight out of NYC.

    Once the plane was airborne and the seatbelt sign was turned off, drink orders were taken.

    The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was brought to him right away and placed in front of him.

    Then the flight attendant asked the Mormon what he wanted to drink, and he replied, “I would rather be raped by twelve wild whores than let demon liquor touch my lips.”

    The Irishman handed his drink back to the attendant and said, “Same here. I didn’t know we had a choice.”

  • Spraying Memories: A Job for Two Bucks

    Once long ago I got a job hosing women down for wet T-shirt contests. It was $2 an hour.

    It was all I could afford at the time.

  • Potential vs Reality

    A son tells his father he has a homework assignment due, and he can’t figure out how to complete it. The task is to explain the difference between theory and reality.

    The father instructs him: “Go ask your mom if she would have sex with a stranger for $1,000,000.”

    The mom says yes.

    Then the father tells him to ask his sister the same question.

    She also says yes.

    The father says, “There. You figured out the assignment. In theory, we live with two millionaires. In reality, we live with two sluts.”

  • Visiting the Zoo

    A family is visiting the zoo.

    While they’re watching the elephants, the little boy points and asks his mother, “Mom, what’s that hanging down underneath the elephant?”

    “That’s his trunk,” she replies.

    “No,” says the boy, “at the other end.”

    “Oh, that’s his tail,” she says.

    “No, no, the thing underneath!” the boy insists.

    Realizing what he means, the mother blushes and says, “Oh, never mind that. That’s nothing.”

    Confused, the boy turns to his father.

    “Dad, what is that thing underneath the elephant? Mom said it’s nothing.”

    The father looks at the elephant, then at his son, and says, “Well, son, your mother is just spoiled.”

  • A wealthy widow is looking for a husband

    A wealthy, lonely widow decided she needed a new man in her life, so she placed an ad in the newspaper:

    “Wealthy widow seeks a man to share her fortune and life. Applicants must meet the following qualifications:

    1. Don’t be aggressive toward me.
    2. Never run away.
    3. Must be extremely good in bed.”

    For months, she got plenty of calls and house visits, but no one met her criteria.

    One day, the doorbell rang.

    She opened the door and saw a man lying there without arms and without legs.

    Confused, she asked, “Who are you? What do you want?”

    “Hello,” he said. “Your search is over. I’m the man of your dreams. I have no arms, so I can’t hit you, and no legs, so I can’t run away.”

    “Okay… well, do you think you’re good in bed?” she asked.

    He replied, “Well, how do you think I rang the doorbell?”

  • Liquids Only: A Toast to Clear Choices!

    I just left the doctor’s office. He told me he wants me on clear liquids for the next 24 hours.

    Between the rum, vodka, and gin, I shouldn’t run out.

  • A man dies in his sleep

    A man comes home extremely drunk, goes straight to bed, and falls asleep.

    That night, he dies in his sleep.

    In the afterlife, an angel greets him and explains what happened. The man is devastated. He tells the angel he still has so much to do in life, regrets drinking so much, and swears that if he’s sent back, he’ll never drink again and will live a healthy life.

    The angel says it’s impossible.

    After a lot of begging, though, the angel says there is one option: he can return to Earth as a chicken.

    The man thinks, “Well, that’s still better than being dead,” and agrees.

    He wakes up on a large farm, surrounded by dozens of chickens. He walks around a bit, eats some feed, and even nods at a few other chickens.

    Suddenly, he feels an intense pressure in his stomach.

    He asks the chicken next to him what’s happening.

    The chicken says, “Relax. It’s just an egg. Push as hard as you can and lay it.”

    So he starts pushing with all his strength. He feels something moving inside him, slowly making its way out…

    Just as it’s about to come out, his wife wakes him up and yells:

    “Wake up, you idiot! You’re shitting the bed!”

  • Pregnant while in a coma

    A woman was 3 months pregnant when she fell into a deep coma and woke up after about 6 months…
    The woman asked the doctor about her baby.

    Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They’re both fine. And your brother named them for you.

    Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He’s an idiot! What did he name the girl?

    Doctor: Denise.

    Woman: Ohh, that’s actually a nice name. What about the boy?

    Doctor: ….Denephew.

  • Family Act

    A family walks into a talent agency and says they have an act. The talent agent retorts, “I don’t sign family acts, sorry.” They reply, “Please! You’ve got to see our act.”

    They spring into action. The dad pulls out a coffee table and the mom starts laying out saucers and teacups. The son places chairs around the table while the daughter serves blueberry scones. They proceed to enjoy a mid-morning tea and have polite conversation. They laugh and smile and bond as family.

    When they finish their tea and scones, the agent asks, “What do you call your act?”

    The family replies, “The cocksucking mother fuckers…”