Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A little girl is walking with her grandmother when they see two dogs going at it.
When she asks what they’re doing, the grandmother sheepishly explains, “Well, they’re making puppies.”
That night, the girl walks into her parents’ room without knocking and sees her dad on top of her mom.
She asks what’s going on, and her dad says, “Well, I’m making you a little brother or sister.”
The girl says, “Flip her over, Dad—I’d rather get puppies!”
A little girl was out with her grandmother when they came across two dogs mating on the sidewalk.
“What are they doing?” the girl asked.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, “The dog on top hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor.”
The girl thought for a moment, then said, “They’re just like people, aren’t they?”
“What do you mean?” Grandma asked.
“Offer someone a helping hand,” said the girl, “and they’ll fuck you every time.”
A man walks into a bar and sees a big barrel full to bursting with $20 bills. He orders a drink and, striking up a conversation with the bartender, gets around to asking, “what’s the deal with the big barrel of cash?”
The bartender chuckles and says, “oh, for a $20 entry fee that can be yours. You just have to complete three tasks.”
The man perks up and says, “what do I have to do to win?”
The bartender says, “first, you need to do a shot of this hot sauce brewed from the hottest peppers in the world. After that, there’s a pitbull in the back. Take these pliers and pull out its rotten, sore tooth.”
The man balks at that, but says “what’s the third thing?”
The bartender says, “there’s an old lady who lives above the bar. Have sex with her until she’s satisfied and the money is yours.”
The man has a few drinks and thinks about it. Finally he slaps a $20 on the bar. The bartender pours a shot from the hottest peppers sauce and the man plugs his nose and downs the shot.
Next the man disappears and the whole bar hears the dog growling, barking and snapping. He comes staggering back into the bar, scratched and bloodied. After he catches his breath he turns to the bartender and says, “alright, where is this bitch with the bad tooth?”
An undercover cop came to my farm out in the sticks yesterday evening.
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs,” he said.
“By all means, Officer—just don’t go in that field over there,” I replied.
The cop exploded. “Do you know who the fuck I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!” he shouted, pulling a badge out of his back pocket. “Do you see this fucking badge?! This badge means I can do what I want, and I’ll go wherever the fuck I want. Have I made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologized, and went back to work.
A short while later, I heard loud screaming. I looked up and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by my angry bull. With every step, the bull was gaining ground, and it looked like he was gonna get gored before he reached safety.
The officer looked terrified and kept running for his life.
I threw down my tools, ran to the edge of the fence, and shouted at the top of my lungs:
“Your badge—show him your fucking badge!”
I got fired because my boss said I was handing out too many free samples.
That’s the last time I get a job at a sperm bank.
Why do women love Jesus?
Because he was (spreads arms) hung like this.
Two hicks, Billy Bob and Joe, were working on their farm when they were approached by a traveling beautiful busty blonde. She looked them up and down and said, “Howdy, boys. I’m feeling a bit randy, and you two look like you could satisfy my itch. Would you two fine, strapping young men like to help a girl out?” The men are definitely down, but she holds up a couple of foil wrappers. “But you will have to wear these condoms, because I don’t want to get pregnant.” They agree, and soon the three of them are having a fantastic and memorable ménage à trois.
Several months go by. Then Billy Bob turns to Joe and says, “Hey Joe? You remember that blonde from a few months back?”
“Yeah, what about her?”
“Well, do you really care if she gets pregnant?”
“No, not really. You?”
“No. So why don’t we take these things off?”
