An eight-year-old kid swaggered into the lounge and demanded of the barmaid, “Give me a double Scotch on the rocks.”
“What do you want to do, get me in trouble?” the barmaid asked.
“Maybe later,” the kid said. “Right now, I just want the Scotch.”
Sensitivity: PG-13
Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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I Know the Whole Truth
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.”
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”
The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.
The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
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Priests Dont Look
miguel ruiz @maneruiz
You know you’re getting older when you walk past a couple of priests and they don’t even look at you…
6:17 PM – 18 May 13
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Witches Woods
MehGyver @TheAndrewNadeau
The older I get the more I side with the witches from fairy tales who moved out to the woods and killed someone who bothered them.
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You Aint Said Nothing About Meing and Meing
The minister, all fired up because of recent obvious problems of infidelity, shouted out, “I want everyone who has been heing and sheing to stand up!” Half of his congregation stood up.
He then shouted out, “I want everyone who has been heing and heing to stand up!” A couple of men stood up.
He then shouted out, “I want everyone who has been sheing and sheing to stand up!” Several women stood up. The minister looked over his congregation and noticed that everyone was standing except Little Johnny.
The minister shouted out, “Brothers and Sisters, look at Little Johnny, can he be the only one without sin? Little Johnny, stand up… I guess you are the only one here who isn’t preoccupied with sex and committing sins. What do you have to say!”
Little Johnny replied, “Reverend, you ain’t said nothing about meing and meing!”
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My Big Electric Bill
The other day, a homeless man asked me for a dollar.
I told him that I only carry big bills. He asked me for one of those, so I gave him my electric bill.
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But Then There Wouldnt Be a Siren
A little boy, wearing a big red fire hat, was riding a toy fire truck down the street. The truck was being pulled by a beautiful Labrador Retriever. Unfortunately, the rope was tied around the dog’s privates, and as a consequence, the truck was going very slowly.
A man walking down the street noticed how slowly the boy was being pulled and gently said to him, “You know, son, that truck would go a lot faster if the rope was tied around your dog’s neck.”
The boy nodded in agreement and said, “But then there wouldn’t be a siren.”
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Suspect Dancing Naked
Me: Suspect is dancing naked through downtown
Dispatch: Copy that
Me: I’ll try but I’m not much of a dancer
