Sensitivity: PG-13

Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Martha Stewart Tips for Rednecks

    Martha Stewart Tips for Rednecks

    DINING OUT

    1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
    2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

    ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

    1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
    2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table…no matter how good his manners are.

    PERSONAL HYGIENE

    1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
    2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
    3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

    DATING (Outside the Family)

    1. Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
    2. Be aggressive. Let her know you’re interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.”
    3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it is the man’s responsibility to get her to school on time.

    THEATER ETIQUETTE

    1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
    2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

    WEDDINGS

    1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
    3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
    4. Though uncomfortable, say “yes” to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

    DRIVING ETIQUETTE

    1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
    2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
    3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
    5. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
    6. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.

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  • Moo Moo Buckaroo

    Bruce, a strapping hunk of a man, walks into a redneck bar. He walks over to the bartender and says, “Hey there, good looking, I’ll have a glass of white wine.”

    A bit shocked, the bartender replies, “What are you, a homo or something?”

    Bruce, unruffled, says, “Actually I prefer the term ‘gay’. And yes I am gay.”

    “Look,” the bartender said, “This bar is full of redneck cowboys. They hate gays. If you stay there will be trouble.”

    Bruce answers, “I won’t bother anyone.”

    Bartender says, “Ok, but sit over there in the corner and don’t say a word.”

    After a while, a large, grizzly man thunders in and proclaims, “I’m so damn thirsty I could lick the sweat from the balls of a Brahma Bull!”

    A small voice rings out from the corner of the bar, “MOO, MOO, BUCKAROO!”

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  • It Is Your Cow

    Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave’s porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows.

    He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel. He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, “Mabel, I’d sure like to be doing what that bull is doing.”

    “Well then, why don’t you?” Mabel whispered back. “It is YOUR cow.”

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  • Taking Them Regularly

    A Bama Graduate was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the grad complained to the doctor that they didn’t produce the desired results.

    “Have you been taking them regularly?” the doctor asked.

    “What do you think I’ve been doing,” the grad said, “shoving them up my ass?”

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  • Where Does You Go to School

    A University of Alabama football player was visiting a Yankee relative in Boston over the holidays. He went to a large party and met a pretty co-ed. He was attempting to start up a conversation with the line, “Where does you go to school?”

    The coed, of course, was not overly impressed with his grammar or southern drawl, but did answer his question.

    “Yale,” she replied.

    The UA student took a big, deep breath and shouted, “WHERE DOES YOU GO TO SCHOOL?”

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  • Baaaaaaa

    Bubba pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he’d first had sex.

    “It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,” Bubba recalled.

    “That sounds wonderful,” said Brian.

    “Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.”

    “Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?”

    “Baaaaaaa.”

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  • Favorite Ways To Annoy A Yankee

    Favorite Ways To Annoy A Yankee

    1. Take your own sweet time when doing ANYTHING.

    2. Pronounce all one-syllable words with two.

    3. When giving directions, finish with “and it’s right down yonder on the left.” Confuses the mess out of ’em.

    4. Talk REAL slow, and ask them to speak more slowly so you can understand what they’re saying.

    5. When they talk nostalgically about the North, tell ’em “Delta’s ready when you are!”

    6. Talk loudly and often about SEC football or ACC basketball.

    7. Refer to every soft drink as a Coke. (This really does annoy ’em!)

    8. Always order sweet tea and/or grits. When they don’t have it, raise a ruckus.

    9. Offer to send ’em a bottle of fresh air.

    10. Insist on being addressed by your first AND middle names. (e.g. Lisa Marie — John Michael — Jim Bob. . .you get the idea)

    11. Frequently bring up “The War of Northern Aggression” in conversation. If anyone ever says the words “Civil War”, always interject that “there was nothing civil about it.”

    12. Address all males as “son” and females as “little lady”.

    13. Correct their pronunciation of certain words. For example: It’s “Pah-kahn” not “Pee-can”. (Amen)

    14. Put Tabasco on everything.

    15. For New York Yankees: Act as if the whole state of New York is New York City. In other words, if they say “Yo, I’m from upstate New Yoik!”, say “Well, I’ll be darned, my wife has always wanted to see a Broadway show!”

    16. When invited to dinner, offer to bring dessert. Show up with a box of Moon Pies. . .preferably the banana ones.

    17. Name all of your children “Bubba”. (or just call ’em that!)

    18. Use the word “reckon” in a sentence and watch their reaction.

    19. “Mash” buttons. “Cut” off lights. “Carry” the kids to school.

    20. Never simply “do” something. Be “fixin’ to do” something.

    21. Tell them you don’t have an accent, they do.

    22. Be sure to include “yes/no ma’am/sir” in all conversations…Offends the heck out of ’em.

    23. Only use landmarks and ramble on when giving directions. “Now go down Jeff Davis Highway and turn left at where the Chevron station used to be. I think they turned it into a Amoco. Or maybe a BP. Anyway, turn right there…” “You said left.” “Did I? Well, turn left there and follow it until you see a big fish on your left. I remember when that fish used to be on the other side of town..”

    24. Ask them if it’s still snowing up North. Then tell ’em you went driving around in your convertible this weekend.

    25. Call ’em a yankee. Works every time.

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  • Glad I Didnt Let That One Go in the Kitchen

    A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he’s shoveling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the strawberries to fertilize them.

    The kid says, “Hey, Pop, learned in college there’s an easy way to do everything.”

    They go downtown and get some dynamite, they’re gonna rig it up under the outhouse and blow the crap into the strawberry patch. They get it all rigged up, but they don’t see Grandma coming to use the outhouse. BaBooom! The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma.

    Ploop!…she lands in the strawberries. They go running up to her, “Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you all right? Are you all right?”

    She says, “Yeah, I’m fine. Whoo! I’m certainly glad I didn’t let that one go in the kitchen!”

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  • Advice for Yankees Moving South

    Advice for Yankees Moving South

    1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

    2. If you forget a Southerner’s name, refer to him (or her) as “Bubba.” You have a 75% chance of being right.

    3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

    4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

    5. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

    6. Do not buy food at the movie store.

    7. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.

    8. Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.

    9. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

    10. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.

    11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.

    12. Be advised: The “He needed killin’” defense is valid here.

    13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.

    14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

    15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.

    16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

    17. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

    18. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.

    19. Florida is not considered a Southern State. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

    20. If you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

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  • Which Feels Better Your Ear or Your Finger

    A man and a woman were having drinks, getting to know one another and started bantering back and forth about male/female issues. They talked about who was better in certain sports, who were the better entertainers, etc. The flirting continued for more than an hour when the topic of sex came up. So they got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more.

    The man said, “Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?” He then went on for several hours arguing his point, even going so far as to ask other men in the bar for their opinions. The woman listened quietly until the man was finished making his point. Confident in the strength of his argument, the man awaited her response.

    “That doesn’t prove anything,” the woman countered. “Think about this — when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better — your ear or your finger?”

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