BACON ROSES
She wants romance, you want a snack. Problem Solved.
Sensitivity: PG-13
Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Ive Never Seen a Smaller Dick in My Life
A man goes to a urologist.
Urologist: “Sir, please take off your pants and underpants”.
The man does so.
Urologist: “I’m warning you, this is going to hurt”.
The man says that he’s ready.
Urologist, laughing: “I’ve never seen a smaller dick in my life!”
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Stevie Wonder Child Support
You think your life is bad, Stevie Wonder paying 25K a month in child support, for some kids he ain’t NEVER SEEN..
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Deaf Gang Signs
Him: I try to talk and she just mumbles and throws up gang signs
Her: *signals* I’m deaf
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Pirate Hook
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said: “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”
Bartender: “What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
Pirate: “Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
Bartender: “Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
Pirate: “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I’m fine, really…”
Bartender: “What about that eye patch?”
Pirate: “Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye.”
Bartender: “You’re kidding, you lost an eye just from bird shit?”
Pirate: “It was my first day with the hook.”
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Happy Ending Rabbit
…AND SO THE LITTLE RABBIT QUICKLY DUCKED INTO A BUSH TO HIDE FROM THE SCARY FARMER AND HIS DOGS.
HEY DAD… WILL THIS STORY HAVE A HAPPY ENDING?
WELL… IF YOU INSIST.
*PTOOEY*
Cyanide and Happiness © Explosm.net
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Hallmark Movie
woman: i have a high paying job in new york city that i love and christmas isn’t that important to me
her black friend: you need a MAN
woman’s dad: come to the small town,, we are suffering without a baker for our town festivale
woman: ok dad
man: i harvest maple syrup for a living and make 2 dollars a year
woman: :/
man: will you harvest maple syrup with me…
woman: i’ve decided i hate my job and i’m going to resign myself to making christmas tree ornaments in fuckberg for the rest of my life
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Kids Eat Free
Waiter: ‘I just wanted to let you know that kids eat for free.’
Me: ‘Good. I’ll have a water and my daughter will have the steak and a kids Bud Light.’
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Sweet Home Alabama Caroline
Sweet Home Alabama vs Sweet Caroline… White People… Me: Sweet Child O Mine
