Sensitivity: PG-13

Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Top 13 Surprises in Victorias Secrets New Spring Line

    The Top 13 Surprises in Victoria’s Secret’s New Spring Line

    13. New “Victor’s Secret” line

    12. New catalogue has 25% more pictures of sexy lingerie-clad supermodels, the likes of whom you will never, ever date.

    11. Company’s efforts to create a more wholesome image results in addition of new Girl Scout lingerie line.

    10. Spring Special: Purchase any item from the “Rodman Collection” and get a free tattoo!

    9. Almost 10% of the clothing is now made by well-paid adults.

    8. All bras are now seductively beer-scented.

    7. Every wear you look — corduroy!

    6. The “Joey, What Are You Doing In There So Long With My Victoria’s Secret Catalogue?” junior bra and panty set.

    5. New “Wedge-o-matic” discreetly un-binds underwear from uncomfortable cracks.

    4. Damn near everything in the new “Monica” line is Scotch-Guarded.

    3. All Miracle Bras now confirmed and blessed by the Vatican.

    2. New Teletubbies bras — because it’s never too early to screw up a young girl’s self image.

    1. All kinds of interesting lifting and separating going on with that new Cross-Your-Ass Thong.

    [ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
    [ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]

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  • Top 17 Safe Porn Movies

    The Top 17 Safe Porn Movies (R-rated)

    17. Cold Shower Mountain

    16. The Abstinent-Minded Professor

    15. The Silence of the Loins

    14. Mickey Blue Balls

    13. Boys on the Side of Caution

    12. Full Metal Chastity Belt

    11. Harry Potter and the Extremely Dog-Eared Issue of Swank

    10. The Longest Yawn

    9. Emmanuelle Goes Pennsylvania Dutch

    8. Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice… Have a Lovely Game of Bridge

    7. Bone Alone

    6. Fakin’ 2: Battery-Operated Boogaloo

    5. Debbie Does Bupkis

    4. Papa’s Celibate Condition

    3. White Men Can’t Hump

    2. Girl on Girl, Interrupted

    1. All Quiet on the Wankin’ Front

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

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  • Please Let This Be a Tea Bag

    A guy wakes up in the morning. He has a massive hangover and can’t remember anything he did last night. He picks up his dressing gown from the floor and puts it on. He notices there’s something in one of the pockets and it turns out to be a bra.

    He thinks to himself, “Uh oh. What happened last night?” He walks towards the bathroom and finds a panty in the other pocket of his gown.

    Again he thinks, “What happened last night. What have I done? It must have been a wild party,” making his best attempt to conclude and accept the evidence.

    He opens the bathroom door, walks in and has a look in the mirror. He notices a little string hanging out of his mouth and his only thought is “If there’s a God, please let this be a tea bag.”

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  • Dont Complain About My Cooking

    A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his homosexuality from his parents, goes over to their house and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. Sitting down at the kitchen table, he lets out a big sigh and says, “Mom, I have something to tell you: I’m gay.”

    His mother made no reply, and the guy was about to repeat it, when she turned to him and said calmly, “You’re gay? Doesn’t that mean you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”

    Nervously, the guy said, “Uh, yeah, Mom, well I guess so.”

    His mother went back to stirring the pot. Suddenly, she whirled around and whacked him over the head with her spoon, saying, “Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!!!!!”

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  • Top 12 Cartoon Character Pick-Up Lines

    The Top 12 Cartoon Character Pick-Up Lines

    12. Wimpy — “I’d gladly pay you Tuesday for a hummer today.”

    11. Foghorn Leghorn — “Ah say, boy, ah say, you’ve got it all wrong. Those little chickens you’ve been chasing around are roosters. What you want is a big ol’ hen, like me.”

    10. Bart Simpson — “Eat my shorts, ma’am!”

    9. Batman — “Wanna help to dispel those nasty rumors about me and the Boy Wonder?”

    8. Speedy Gonzales — “Senorita, it’s just a nickname!”

    7. Pepe LePew — “But, mon cherie — I don’t smell any worse than anyone else in France.”

    6. Ross Perot — “I’m worth $4 billion.”

    5. Porky Pig — “L-L-Let’s go back to my place and f-f-f-f-f-f-f-fu-f-f-fu… hump.”

    4. Popeye — “I’m strong to the finish ’cause I takes Viagra!”

    3. Pinocchio — “Hey, I *am* a woody!”

    2. Underdog — “My heart is for you, my Polly, dear; You are pure and true, can I sniff your rear?”

    1. Tweety Bird — “I wuuuv to eat putty!”

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  • My Butt on the Account

    My mouth keeps writing checks my butt can’t cash, so I got my butt on the account, too. Unfortunately, it tends to blurt out my account number at inopportune times, like it did when I was applying for a mortgage last week. At least that’s what I told the loan agent.

  • Social Security Kind

    Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break.

    Nina asks, “So, Liz, how’s your sex life these days?”

    Liz replies, “Oh, you know. It’s the usual, Social Security kind.”

    “Social Security?” Nina asked quizzically.

    “Yeah, you get a little each month, but it’s not enough to live on.”

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  • Paint My House

    Some smart looking businessman dude was sitting in a bar drinking a beer one night when a gorgeous well-stacked blonde walked in.

    She says, “For $250, I’ll do anything you want, only you have to describe it in three words or less.”

    He thinks about this a minute or so, pulls out $250, and says, “Paint my house.”

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  • Two Kinds of Booty

    It’s funny how the hip-hop “booty” is different from the old-time pirate “booty” — yet if you have either of them, you can pretty easily get the other.

  • Preferred Seating on the Short Bus

    On my resume, should I be bold and include “Proven Methodology of Obtaining and Retaining Preferred Seating on the Short Bus” as an achievement? Or should I just list it with my other superpowers?