Sensitivity: PG-13

Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Blonde and the Bet on the News

    Jack walked into a sports bar late one evening and sat down next to a blonde woman watching the news.

    The report was about a man standing on the edge of a tall building, about to jump.

    The woman asked, “Do you think he’s going to jump?”

    Jack replied, “I’m sure he will.”

    “I’m sure he won’t,” she said.

    Jack put down $30 and said, “You’re on.”

    Just as she placed her money down, the man jumped and fell to his death.

    The woman, upset, handed Jack her $30.

    “Fair’s fair… here’s your money.”

    Jack said, “I can’t take this. I saw the 5pm news earlier and I already knew he was going to jump.”

    The blonde woman replied, “I saw it too. I just didn’t think he’d do it again.”

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  • Not a Single Piece of Straight Wood

    Happy Pride Month to Home Depot!

    There isn’t a single piece of straight wood in that place.

  • I Think It’s Nuts

    The instructor in my self-defense class said that the most effective place to kick a man is near his knees.

    Personally, I think it’s nuts.

  • Well I’m Here Now

    A member of the KGB is walking along a production line in a factory and decides to ask a few questions of one of the workers.

    KGB: “Comrade, if you had a drink of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”

    The worker thinks a bit and replies, “Yes, I think so.”

    KGB: “Comrade, if you had five drinks of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”

    The worker again considers this a bit and again replies, “Yes, I think so.”

    KGB: “Comrade, if you had ten drinks of vodka, could you still perform your appointed tasks?”

    The worker answers quickly, “Well, I’m here now…”

  • A Little Drinking Problem

    A Little Drinking Problem

    I think I might have a little drinking problem

  • The Voodoo Doll Wife

    My wife yelled from upstairs and asked: “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”

    I replied: “No.”

    She responded: “How about now?”

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  • Catch a Falling Star and Blackmail It

    Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket. Then tell it that unless you get a cool half-mil, you’ll sell to the highest tabloid bidder those embarrassing photos of it puking naked in the alley.

  • Muslim Band And Mexican Mall

    Muslim Band And Mexican Mall

    TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going

    “Band? We thought you said ban”

    TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?

  • Daddy Longlegs in Texas

    A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.

    He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.

    Suddenly, she stopped and stared at the ground.

    He went over and saw she was looking at two spiders mating.

    “Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.

    “They’re mating,” her father replied.

    “What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.

    “That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered.

    “So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked.

    “No,” her father replied. “Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.”

    The little girl thought for a moment, then picked up one foot and stomped them flat.

    “Well,” she said, “that might be okay in California and Massachusetts, but we’re not having any of that crap here in Texas!”

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  • The Blonde and the Insemination Man

    A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.

    One morning, as he heads out to check on the cows, the rancher says:

    “The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows. I drove a nail into the 2×4 above the stall of the cow I want bred. Please show him where she is when he gets here.”

    The rancher leaves for the fields.

    A while later, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the door.

    “I’m here to inseminate the cow,” he says.

    Amy leads him down to the barn and walks along the row of cows. When she sees the nail, she says, “This is the one right here.”

    The man smirks, assuming he’s dealing with a clueless blonde.

    “Tell me,” he says, “how do you know that’s the right cow?”

    “That’s simple,” she replies. “By the nail that’s over its stall,” she explains very confidently.

    Laughing rudely at her, the man asks, “And what exactly is the nail for?”

    Amy turns to leave and says over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”

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