It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.
Sensitivity: PG-13
Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Clarence Buys a Cheap Suit
Clarence goes downtown to buy an inexpensive, or rather, a cheap suit.
He goes into one store and every suit is $50 as is. The closest one to his size had the right leg 3 inches longer than the left one and the left jacket sleeve was three inches longer than the right.
The store owner commented, “You can’t expect much for $50. But here is what you do. As you walk around in the suit, hike up your right hip so the pant legs will look the same size. Do the same thing with your left shoulder and the sleeves will look OK.”
Clarence agrees and starts to walk to his car. As he does, he passes two ministers walking with one another.
After they pass, one of the ministers says to the other, “Wow, it must be difficult for him to walk around.”
“I know, but his suit fits perfectly.”
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The Tinsel on His Helmet
My grandfather was highly decorated in World War Two.
In fact, many people believe it was the tinsel on his helmet that got him shot.
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He Would Never Use Your Golf Clubs
A husband and wife are sitting on the couch when the husband looks over and says, “Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?”
The wife thinks about it and says, “Well, we have a beautiful house, and I don’t want to be alone, so… yes, I probably would.”
The husband looks a bit hurt. “Would you let him live in our house?”
“It’s a great house, and it’s paid off, so yes, we’d live here.”
“Would he sleep in our bed?”
“It’s a brand-new mattress, so yes, he probably would.”
“Would he use my golf clubs?”
“Oh, absolutely not,” the wife snaps. “He’s left-handed.”
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Always Pushing Me Around
Ever since I got a wheelchair, my wife’s been so rude to me.
Always pushing me around and talking behind my back.
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The Fairy and the 30th Anniversary Wish
A husband and wife were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary at a fancy restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny fairy appeared on their table.
“Because you’ve been such a loving couple for 30 years,” she said, “I will grant each of you one wish.”
The wife went first.
“I wish for a romantic, all-expenses-paid cruise around the world with my wonderful husband.”
Poof!
Two first-class cruise tickets appeared in her hand.
Then it was the husband’s turn.
He thought for a moment, looked at his wife, and said,
“This is very romantic, but an opportunity like this only comes once in a lifetime. I’m sorry, dear, but I wish for a wife who is 30 years younger than me.”
The wife was furious, but a wish is a wish.
The fairy waved her wand.
Poof!
Instantly, the husband turned 90 years old.
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The Safari and the Mother-in-Law
Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One night, deep in the jungle, his wife woke up and discovered her mother was missing.
Panicked, she woke Ben and insisted they go look for her.
Ben grabbed his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and headed into the jungle.
Not far from camp, they came upon a clearing and a chilling sight.
The mother-in-law was backed up against a dense bush, while a large male lion stood facing her.
“What are we going to do?” his wife whispered.
“Nothing,” said Ben. “The lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out of it.”
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Failed Sex Ed
Bobby and Jack got their report cards from school and found they failed sex ed…
Bobby told Jack, “I’m so angry, I want to kick Ms. Williams in the nuts!”
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The Ex-Wife Tom Never Had
After a long courtship, Tom finally marries his longtime girlfriend. One day after the honeymoon, Tom is in the garage cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife comes out, watches Tom work for a few minutes, and says, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.”
Tom gets this absolutely horrified look on his face, and his wife says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
Tom says, “I’m sorry. For a second there, you sounded exactly like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screams. “You never told me you were married before!”
And Tom says, “I wasn’t.”
