Sensitivity: PG-13

Dear Alcohol,

I thought I’d take a minute to discuss some troubling factors with you.

First and foremost, let me tell you that I’m a huge fan of yours… your many sides and dimensions are mind-boggling (different than beer goggling, which I’ll touch upon shortly.)

Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there when needed — the perfect post-work cocktail, a beer with the gang… and you’re even around in the holidays — hidden inside chocolates, you warm us when we’re stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings.

Yet lately, I’ve been wondering about your intentions. You see, I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, but I feel that your influence has led to unwise consequences, briefed below for your review:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity occurs at 5 a.m.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and, though cooking is far from my speciality, why you suggested that I eat a kebab with chilli sauce coupled with a pot noodle and some stale crisps (washed down with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think you went a bit too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you’re subtly trying to tell me I need to do yoga more to increase my balance, I see no need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down the stairs. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it should not take me more than thirty seconds to get the key into the front door lock.

4. Pictures: This is a blessing in disguise, as it can often clarify the last point below, but the following costumes are heretofore banned from being placed on my head in public: Indian wigs, sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups, inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, bras.

5. Beer goggles: If I think I may know him/her from somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request that I go over and see if, in fact, I do actually know that person. This is similar to the old “Hey, you’re in my class” syndrome circa 1986 at SU, and should heretofore be rendered illegal. Coupled with this is the phrase “Let’s shag.” While I may be thinking this, please reinstate the brain-to-mouth block that would keep this thought from being a statement, especially in public.

Further, the subsequent hangovers have got to stop. Now, I know a little penance for our previous evenings’ debauchery may be in order, but the 2 p.m. Hangover Immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that if the proper steps are proactively taken on my part (i.e. water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing out facedown on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be quite minimal and in no way interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day, for that matter) activities. Come on now… it’s only fair — you do your part, I’ll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our relationship for some years now, and want to ensure that we remain on good terms. You’ve been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when we just don’t know what to do with the extra money in our pockets. In order to continue this relationship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday at 6 p.m. (pre happy hour) on your possible solutions, and hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you for your prompt attention to these matters.

Sincerely, your biggest fan.