Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A guy is golfing at an upscale course and goes to hit the ball from the red tees. A staff member is driving by in his cart and grabs a megaphone: “Will the gentleman on hole four please move his ball back to the white markers, and not hit from the ladies’ tee box?”
The guy yells back, “Will the guy in the golf cart please shut the fuck up so I can take my second shot?”
Cut my leash into pieces
This is my bestest bork
Domestication
No Breeding
Cant give a heck
Cause they neutered my weenie
Im horny
yo hold up
is that a 2002 Ferrari F355 Spider hotwheels on your nght?
my dad used to have one hanging in the rearview mirror, one night he got in to ar accident and the airbag impaled it into his face
no shit retard we have the same dad
HIM: the dishwasher is acting weird
HER: what’s it doing
HIM: chopping fucking vegetables
The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.
The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old sergeant-major who, when asked where he would like to be measured, replied, “From the tip of my penis to my testicles.”
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two officers had received. But the old sergeant-major insisted, and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.
The medical officer arrived at the barracks in the UK and instructed the sergeant-major to “drop ’em,” which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the sergeant’s penis and began to work back.
“Dear Lord,” the medical officer suddenly exclaimed. “Where are your balls?”
The old sergeant-major calmly replied, “Afghanistan.”
Women won’t date a guy that lives with his mom but they will date a guy that lives with his wife
