Sensitivity: PG-13

Pg-13 humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Alcohol Warnings

    The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

    WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

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  • Holiday Drink Warning

    The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on booze bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of pounding down a pint or two.

    1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a garbage truck at a hundred yards.

    2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

    3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

    4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.

    6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway.

    8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).

    9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho.

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  • You Left Without Your Wheelchair Again

    David is in a bar and he has had quite a few already. At two o’clock, last round is called, and although he knows he shouldn’t, he drinks another beer, simply because they taste just too good.

    After the final beer, he slides from his stool and immediately drops on the floor. This was not what he had expected. He knew he had some, but… He tries to get up but again he falls. After several more attempts, he gives up and decides to crawl home.

    At the door of his house he realizes it is better not to stand up, since he will almost certainly fall over again and wake up his wife. So he crawls quietly inside to his bed and slips under the covers without awakening his wife.

    The next morning his wife asks him furiously, “Were you drunk again last night?”

    David is surprised and asks her how she knew.

    “They just called from the bar. You left without your wheelchair again.”

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  • Breakfast

    The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

    “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning.”

    “There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”

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  • You’re Sitting on the Mop Bucket

    A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

    “What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!”

    “I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”

    With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says, “You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”

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  • New Government Warnings

    As most Americans are familiar with, the federal government mandates health warnings on alcoholic products to warn people about the potential negative effects. This is also an increasing occurrence in other countries as well. It has come to our attention that a few additional warnings may be appropriate.

    1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think that a “2” is a “10.”

    2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

    3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

    4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

    5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

    6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).

    7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

    8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

    9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.

    And instead of warning women not to drink when they are pregnant, the new guidelines should read…

    10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.

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  • The Top 16 Little-Known Ways Beer Has Shaped History

    16. Benjamin Franklin was actually higher than his kite when he discovered electricity.

    15. September 6, 1945, New Haven, CT: A drunken future president utters the phrase, “Don’t worry, Barbara, I’ll pull out.”

    13. Patrick Henry, a pitchman for Liberty Ale, comes up with the first ubiquitous beer-promotion catchphrase.

    12. “Look, Tom, we’ll keep the ‘endowed by their Creator’ part as is, but that ‘life, liberty and the pursuit of beer’ part needs work.”

    11. It prevented the extinction of ugly people.

    10. Babylon, 552 BC: King Nebuchadnezzar II combines hanging gardens with fermented beverages to create the world’s first Dave & Buster’s.

    9. The invention of beer led directly to the invention of Slim Jims and microwave burritos.

    8. March 22, 1967: In Santa Monica, CA, Dave Barham drank two six-packs of beer, saw a rainbow, and envisioned a brand-new uniform for his “Hot Dog On A Stick” employees.

    7. How else was Joseph gonna believe that “but I’m still a virgin” story?

    6. Bartholomew: “Aww, BOGUS! I totally left the Master’s Holy Grail at that kegger back in Ephesus! Man, seven grails of ale and I forget everything!”
    Luke: “Don’t sweat it, Dude. The Grail’ll turn up.”

    5. There’s a well-kept secret about the crew of the Hindenburg and their drunken fart-lighting contests.

    4. Fifteenth-century Scotland: Golf was invented after some pub friends bet each other how far their testicles would travel when hit by a broomstick.

    3. “Hey, Adolph, I hear Poland has good beer.”

    2. July 1880: At a neighborhood barbecue at the McCoys, Lyle Hatfield suggests that Miller Lite is “less filling.”

    1. If the Dutch hadn’t brought that pre-dealmaking keg of Heineken to Manhattan, those twenty-four dollars’ worth of beads wouldn’t have looked so appealing.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • Band-Aids on the Mirror

    A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2 a.m., at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn’t want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end.

    That wouldn’t have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke, and the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. But he was so drunk that he didn’t know he was hurt. A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked himself out in the mirror, and sure enough, his behind was cut up something terrible.

    Well, he repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances, and he went to bed. The next morning, his head was hurting, and his rear was hurting, and he was hunkering under the covers trying to think up some good story, when his wife came into the bedroom. “Well, you really tied one on last night,” she said. “Where’d you go?”

    “I worked late,” he said, “and I stopped off for a couple of beers.”

    “A couple of beers? That’s a laugh,” she replied. “You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?”

    “What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?”

    “Well,” she replied, “my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror.”

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  • Drinker’s Fault Finding Guide

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
    Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
    Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

    Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
    Fault: Glass is empty.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

    Symptom: Room is spinning.
    Fault: Somebody is spinning your barstool.
    Solution: Vomit on person doing the spinning.

    Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
    Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
    Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

    Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
    Fault: Loss of self-control.
    Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog. After a while, complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

    Symptom: Lap cool and wet.
    Fault: Drooling on yourself.
    Solution: Change position so that you are drooling on someone else.

    Symptom: Bar blurred.
    Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
    Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

    Symptom: Bar moving.
    Fault: You are being carried out.
    Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain loudly that you are being hijacked.

    Symptom: Bar looks like a circus.
    Fault: You’re at a circus.
    Solution: Go to a bar.

    Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
    Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
    Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
    Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
    Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

    Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
    Fault: The pub is closing.
    Solution: PANIC!!

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  • Are You Sure This Is Where He Fell In

    A drunk stumbles into a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He walks down into the water and stands next to the preacher.

    The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?”

    The drunk replies, “Yesh, Your Honor, I shur am!”

    The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” he asked.

    “Nooo, Your Highness, I shur dint!” says the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”

    “Noooo, Your Majesty, I shur dint!” the drunk slurs again.

    Disgusted, the preacher holds the man under for at least thirty seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My good man, have you found Jesus YET?”

    The drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

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