I’m really disturbed about all these priest scandals I keep reading about in the papers. From what I can tell, the average priest is having more sex than I am.
Sensitivity: Questionable
Questionable humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Top 16 Signs the Call Center Employee You’re Dealing With Is Overseas
16. Rather than reboot your PC to fix the problem, she suggests you sacrifice a chicken.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.Unleash Chaos15. John Smith… could you please spell that for me, sir?
14. The hold music? Nothing but sitars, gongs, pan flutes and bagpipes.
13. He tells you the problem with your Gateway computer is that you’re worshipping false bovine idols.
12. The loud noises in the background are perfectly in synch with exploding bombs on live CNN war coverage.
11. [Burrrp!] So sorry — my fermented yak milk is repeating on me today.
10. Her first step toward solving your DVD player problem is instructing you to eject the disk.
9. You accuse him of giving you the runaround. He corrects you, saying in his culture it’s known as the eightfold path.
8. To sweeten the deal, he offers to throw in a couple of Russian orphans.
7. “No, you stupid cow — I said CLOCKWISE! Great Buddha, you are dense!”
6. “And while I have you on the phone, Mrs. Smith, may I tell you about my aunt, the widow of the deceased chief secretary to the deposed Prince Regent of Nigeria? You see, he’s living in exile and he has all of this money…”
5. I’m sorry, Wing-Ma took the morning off for maternity leave. She’ll be back after lunch.
4. Boy, what a commute this morning. My bus plunged off a mountainside — again!
3. Hi, my name is Bob Deathtoamerica. How may I help you?
2. Would you like to add the extended service agreement for an additional eighty wildebeest furs?
1. I am sorry, but it is quite sunny here today, so I have no place to stick your overdraft notice.
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2004 by Chris White -
You’d Be Smiling
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I can pee farther than anyone else.”
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.Unleash Chaos“Yeah,” the bartender says.
“Sure, and I can pee right on the spot from seventy-five feet away,” the guy says.
“Yeah right,” the bartender says.
“It’s true. In fact, I’ll bet you a hundred dollars that I can pee right into a beer bottle seventy-five feet away and not spill a drop,” the guy says.
“Go ahead,” the bartender says, smiling at the chance to make some easy money.
So a beer bottle is placed on the floor seventy-five feet away. Then the guy whips out his dick and starts peeing. He pees on the wall, he pees on the floor, he pees on the ceiling and bar, he even pees on the bartender. He pees everywhere EXCEPT in the bottle.
The bartender starts smiling and tells the guy to pay up. The guy goes into another room, comes out a few minutes later with a big grin on his face and pays the bartender. The bartender then says to the guy, “Why are you so happy, you just lost a hundred bucks?”
Then the guy says, “Well, I just bet the guys in the other room a thousand bucks that I could pee all over your bar and not only would you not mind, but you’d be smiling.”
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Bar Room Translations
1. “You get this one, next round is on me.” (We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.Unleash Chaos2. “I’ll get this one, next one is on you.” (Happy hour is about to end… drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.)
3. “Hey, where is that friend of yours?” (I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
4. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?” (female) (I’m easy.)
5. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel?” (male) (I’m gay.)
6. “Ever try a body shot?” (male to female) (I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
7. “Ever try a body shot?” (female to male) (If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)
8. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female) (You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
9. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (male) (I’m horny.)
10. “Who’s got the next round?” (I haven’t bought a round in almost three years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
11. “Excuse me.” (male to male) (Get the hell out of the way.)
12. “Excuse me.” (male to female) (I am going to grope you now.)
13. “Excuse me.” (female to male) (Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)
14. “Excuse me.” (female to female) (Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho… Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)
15. “What do you have on tap?” (What’s cheap?)
16. “Can I have a white Russian?” (male) (I’m really gay.)
17. “Can I have a white Russian?” (female) (I’m really easy.)
18. “That person looks really familiar.” (Did I sleep with him/her?)
19. “Can I just get a glass of water?” (female) (I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
20. “I don’t have my ID on me.” (female) (I’m 19.)
21. “I don’t have my ID on me.” (male) (I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here.)
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The Top 15 Favorite Movies of Substance Abusers (Part I)
15. Waiting Really, Really Long to Exhale
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.Unleash Chaos14. Prescription: Impossible
13. Being Robert Downey, Jr.
12. Cheech and Chong’s “Saving Private Ryan”
11. Bridget Jones’s Darvocet
10. Good Pill Hunting
9. Schindler’s Spliff
8. Look Who’s Toking
7. A Reefer Runs Through It
6. From Busta to Nelly
5. The Road to El Doritos
4. Peyote Ugly
3. Finding Primo
2. Bender Like Belushi
1. Tootski
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2003 by Chris White -
Charge by the Inch
Having had one drink too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display a nasty side. An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, “Hey! How about it, babe? You and me?”
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.Unleash ChaosAs she got up to move, he said loudly, “Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don’t have an extra two dollars.”
She looked back and replied just as loudly, “What makes you think I charge by the inch?”
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Why a Beer Is Better Than Women
1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.Unleash Chaos2. A frigid beer is good.
3. A beer doesn’t care when you come home.
4. When a beer goes flat you can toss it.
5. A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
6. A beer never gets a headache.
7. If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head.
8. You can share a beer with a friend.
9. You always know when you’re the first one to pop a beer.
10. A beer is always wet.
11. You can have a beer in public.
12. You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
13. A beer doesn’t get pregnant.
14. A beer doesn’t have parents.
15. You can say whatever you want to a beer.
16. A beer doesn’t care if you are late.
17. And you can always have several different beers and not feel guilty.
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Pastor Fuzz
The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.Unleash ChaosThe reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. “Mrs. Fitzgerald,” the reverend said sternly. “This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?”
“Shure,” she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, “Here, here, buddy, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this bar.”
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, “But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fuzz.”
The bartender nodded. “Well, if you’re that far you may as well finish.”
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What Her Drink Says About Her
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.Unleash ChaosDrink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. She’ll send YOU a drink.Drink: Wine (does not include white zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had had four more years… Alzheimer’s and term limits be damned.Drink: White Zin
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk… and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait. -
Your Tit Is Hanging in the Ashtray
A very inebriated lady walked into a bar shortly before closing time, sat at the bar and ordered, “Barbender, barbender, I would like a Martoutsy.”
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.Unleash ChaosThe bartender brought her a Martini, which she drank in one gulp.
“Barbender, I would like another Martoutsy.” Again, the bartender brought her a Martini.
By this time the lady was leaning heavily forward, barely able to hang on. She called, “Barbender, your Martoutsys are giving me heartburn.”
Patiently, the bartender came near her and said, “Lady, I am not a barbender, but a bartender, and what you have been drinking is not a Martoutsy, but a Martini, and finally, you do not have heartburn — your tit is hanging in the ashtray.”
