Sensitivity: Questionable

She says, “Well, put them between my thighs and that will warm them up.”

After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again, “Man! My hands are really freezing!”

Again she says, “Well, put them between my thighs and warm them up again.” He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop wood to get them through the night. When he returns to the cabin, he states once again, “Honey, my hands are really, really freezing.”

She looks at him and sighs, “For crying out loud, don’t your ears ever get cold?”

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy about sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1 a.m., the man leaned down and gently woke the woman, saying, “Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet and get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.”

“I have a better idea,” she replied. “Just for tonight, let’s pretend that we’re married.”

“Wow! That’s a great idea!” he exclaimed.

“Good,” she replied. “Get your own fucking blanket.”

Before long, he met a farmer who had three stunning daughters — absolutely gorgeous. The man explained his mission to the farmer and asked permission to court one of them.

The farmer said, “Well, they’ve all been hoping to get married. Look ’em over and take your pick.”

So the man dated the first daughter. The next day, the farmer asked how it went.

“Well,” the man said, “she’s wonderful… but she’s just the tiniest bit — and you’d hardly notice — pigeon-toed.”

The farmer nodded and suggested the man try the second daughter.

So he did. The next day, the farmer asked again.

“Well,” the man said, “she’s great too… but she’s just the slightest bit — again, hardly noticeable — cross-eyed.”

The farmer nodded. “Well, give the third girl a chance.”

The man went out with her, and the very next morning he came rushing back, excited.

“She’s perfect!” he said. “Absolutely perfect. She’s the one!”

So they got married right away, and a few months later, the baby was born.

The man rushed down to the nursery — and nearly fainted. The child was… well… not exactly the beautiful baby he expected.

Panicked, he ran to his father-in-law. “How could this happen? With two parents as good-looking as we are?”

The farmer sighed and said, “Well… she was just the teeniest bit — you could hardly tell… already pregnant when you met her.”

“No!” she quickly replies.

“Then you’re lucky because you’re talking to the right guy,” I said.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, “Happy birthday, boss!” I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.

We went there, and she said, “Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?” “Okay,” I said.

She came out five minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, and my colleagues all yelling, “SURPRISE!!!”

…while I was waiting naked on the sofa.