The next Toy Story movie will include sex toys. They even wrote a new song for Andy’s mom:
You’ve got a friend IN ME.
Sensitivity: Questionable
Questionable humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
-
Your Dad Was Better at It
Growing up, my mom would never hit me or my brother.
When I asked her why, she said, “Because your dad was better at it.”
-
The Old Man at the Red Light District
An old man was visiting a red light area.
There, a really hot prostitute asked him if he wanted her for an hour. The man replied, “I won’t be able to.”
“Why won’t you be able to? I’ll make you have the time of your life,” said the prostitute, and took him to her private room.
The prostitute stripped and asked the man to do the same. The man again replied, “I won’t be able to.”
“Don’t worry, you’ll do great,” said the prostitute as she stripped him.
Then they started having sex, and he was great. The prostitute orgasmed multiple times and they kept going even when the hour was over.
When the man got tired they finally stopped. Exhausted, the prostitute said, “That was the best sex I’ve ever had. Why were you saying ‘I won’t be able to’? You are so good.”
The man replied, “I meant I won’t be able to pay.”
-
Checking In at the Reception Desk in Hell
A man is checking in at the reception desk in Hell.
“Welcome!” says the Devil. “You’re in for an amazing time! First up, did you like a drink when you were on Earth?”
“I certainly did!” says the man.
“Great!” says the Devil. “We kick off the week on Monday with a gigantic piss-up. Beer, whisky, rum, brandy, gin, tequila, you name it, we’ve got it! You can’t get a hangover, and you certainly can’t kill your liver. You’re already dead!”
“Fantastic!” says the man. “What about Tuesday?”
“Tuesday? Just wait until you get to Tuesday! Do you like women?”
“I sure do,” says the man.
“Then Tuesday’s going to be great too! You’ll be at it all day long with the most amazing women you ever saw. They’re into all kinds of everything you can imagine, no matter how kinky. And you can’t catch any STIs either, not even herpes never mind syphilis! You’re already dead!”
“Then it’s Wednesday,” continues the Devil. “Ever do drugs on Earth? No? Want to give it a go? We’ve got all kinds of substances down here, and you can do them all. You’ll never OD or rot your brain. How could you? You’re already dead!”
“Great!” says the man. “And Thursdays?”
“Thursdays,” says the Devil, “is when we roll out the tobacco. Bit of a chill day after all the partying. Cigars, cigarettes, cheroots, you name it. Every kind of leaf that the Earth ever had, and you can stick it in your pipe and smoke it. And you can’t get lung cancer or even a nasty cough! You’re already dead!”
“Now, Fridays,” says the Devil. “Were you into that gay stuff on Earth? A bit of back-door action just to change it up? Maybe gobble on a big thick rod or two?”
“Oh no,” says the man, “I never liked the sound of that at all.”
The Devil sighs. “Oh well. I guess Fridays aren’t going to be much fun for you, then.”
-
Grandpa in the Hospital
A man goes to visit his grandpa in the hospital.
“How are you, grandpa?” he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.
“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”
“And nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”
“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”
“No problem at all — nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet… and that’s it. I go out like a light.”
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the Sister in charge.
“What are you people doing?” he says. “I’m told you’re giving a 95-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?”
“Oh, yes,” replies the Sister. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed.”
-
The Early Return and the Generous Man
A guy flies home a day early from a business trip. He takes a cab home, and then tells the cabby, “I think my wife is having an affair. I’ll give you an extra hundred bucks if you come in to be my witness.” The cabby agrees.
They sneak in, go up to the bedroom, and pull the covers off the bed. Sure enough, the guy’s wife is in bed banging another man.
The husband pulls out a gun and aims at the guy. Before he can shoot, the wife shouts, “Don’t do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the car I bought for you. He paid for our new boat. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!”
As the husband stands there in shock, the cabby asks, “What are you gonna do?”
And the husband says, “I’m gonna cover his ass with that blanket before he catches a cold.”
-
The Two Kids in the Hospital
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on gurneys next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
The second kid says, “Whoa, good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born… Couldn’t walk for a year.”
-
Little Johnny at the Rodeo
Little Johnny went to his first rodeo with his mum and dad…
Dad went off to buy a beer, and little Johnny happened to spy the bull’s cock flopping around beneath his belly.
“Mummy, mummy! What’s that long thing beneath the bull’s belly!?” Johnny asks, pointing.
Embarrassed, his mum looks away and mutters, “Oh, don’t worry about that, Johnny. That’s nothing.”
Dad comes back and mum goes off to use the washroom.
Once mummy is gone, Little Johnny asks, “Daddy, what’s that long thing beneath the bull’s belly?”
“That’s the bull’s cock, son,” his dad answers. “He uses it to mount and make love to a cow.”
“But mummy said it was nothing!” Johnny replied.
Dad leans back with his hand behind his head and takes a sip of his beer.
“Son… I’ve spoiled that woman…”
-
One Word or Spread Apart
Is buttcheeks one word or should I spread them apart?
-
The Insurance Money and the Granite Countertops
We now have the technology to build a new penis…
Doctor Cohen comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now, you probably won’t remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You’re going to be okay, you’ll walk again and everything, however your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn’t find it.”
The man, Max, groans, but the doctor goes on, “You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don’t come cheap. It’s roughly $1,000 an inch.”
The man perks up. So, the doctor says, “You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It’s important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision.”
Max agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. “So, have you spoken with your wife?”
“Yes I have,” says Max. “We’re getting granite counter tops.”
