Uncensored humor, jokes, memes, and questionable punchlines from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
1. It is unsafe to lick your monitor while it is ON.
2. The orifices in the back of your monitor are NOT intended for participation in the LIVE sex shows.
3. The fan in your computer’s power supply is not a good place to cool your “heat of passion” (although, it would certainly be an enlightening experience).
4. Be prepared to replace your keyboard often if you enjoy “tickling the keys” with your manhood.
5. Semen IS electrically conductive!
Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It’s what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q: What do you call a Florida gynecologist?
A: A spreader of old wives’ tails…
Q: Why do women prefer old gynecologists?
A: They have shaky hands!
Q: What do you call a female midget who’s nice and gives head?
A: Short, sweet, and to the point!
Q: What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
A: An armadildo.
Q: What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A: No one to talk to during orgasm.
Q: What do Lifesavers do that a man can’t?
A: Come in eight flavors.
Q: What was the first obscenity ever heard on T.V.?
A: “Ward, weren’t you a little hard on the Beaver last night?”
Q: Do you know why it’s called sex?
A: Because it’s easier to spell than Uhhhhh..oooohh…Ahhhhhh….AIIEEEEEEE!!!
Q: What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth?
A: Gladiator! (Glad he ate her)
Q: If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
A: Divorce proceedings, most likely.
Q: If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and your wife wants to have 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get?
A: 8 hours, 59 minutes – who cares what she wants!
Q: What do you do in case of fallout?
A: Put it back in and take shorter strokes!
Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
A: In case you miss.
It seems that Annie was born with a rather unusually large vagina and therefore has been unable to sustain any sort of long-term relationships because even the most well endowed men soon lose interest because of her inability to satisfy them sexually.
So when a guy from the office whom she really liked asked her out, she decided to take desperate measures. On the way home she stops at the butcher and buys a kilo of fresh liver. She gets ready for her big date and slides that kilo of liver into her box, hoping that it will take up some of the slack, just in case the evening should turn out to be romantic.
Bill picks her up, they go out, dinner, dancing, cocktails, have the BEST time, and sure enough, end up back at her place, have some great sex and fall asleep in each other’s arms.
Annie wakes up the next morning and Bill is nowhere to be seen. She sighs and thinks, “Oh well, I gave it my best shot, I guess I’m doomed to end up an old maid.”
She goes downstairs to make coffee and finds a note on the kitchen table…..
“Dear Annie,
Thank you so much for last night! I had a really GREAT time, and I think you are WONDERFUL!
Sorry I had to leave so early, but I’ll call you later and I hope we can get together again REAL SOON!
Love You,
Bill
(P.S. Your cunt’s in the sink)”
This guy walks into a bar carrying a shoe box, and proceeds to sit down and places the box on the bar. As the night rolls on and a beauty sits next to him he can’t help but notice her curiosity with the box. So after a while he asks her if she would like to receive the best tongue sex of her life.
She eagerly accepts, but the guy tells her it is to be from his pet frog Freddo. By this time the beauty is getting pretty tipsy and insists on seeing the frog first. So the guy gets him out and presses just behind the jaw of the frog to make him flop his tongue out. At the sight of the size of the tongue the beauty can’t wait and just about tears the guy’s arm off getting him and the frog to her apartment, where she immediately undresses and lays spread eagle on the bed awaiting Freddo and his tongue.
The guy places Freddo between her legs and repeats “lick-her” several times. A few minutes pass and nothing, he repeats “lick-her”, still no response from Freddo.
Before the beauty can complain again, the guy picks up Freddo and says, “This is the last time I show you how this is done!”
I like my mornings to be slow and quiet. I want the day to romance me a bit before it tries to fuck me.
Several years ago the United States funded a study to determine why the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $180,000. The results of the study concluded that the reason the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, Germany decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the U.S. study were incorrect. After three years of research and a cost in excess of $250,000, they concluded that the head of a man’s penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the German study were released, Poland decided to conduct their own study.
The Poles didn’t really trust the U.S. or German studies. So after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75, the Polish study was complete. The Polish study came to the conclusion that the reason the head on a man’s penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.
A woman walks into her sex therapist’s office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.
The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn’t know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn’t know, but to go ahead and try it.
The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn’t know; it’s an experimental drug and she doesn’t know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist’s office and puts the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband’s morning coffee.
A week later, a boy walks into the therapist’s office and says: “Are you the dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?”
“Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?”
“Well, mom’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad’s sittin’ in the corner going ‘Here, kitty, kitty, kitty…’”
Two queers were enjoying a pleasant round of golf when a foursome of Hell’s Angels began hitting into them from behind. One queer finally becomes angry and turns to his partner,”If those big bad boys hit into us one more time, Seymour, you fall down and act like the ball hit you very very hard in the head. We’ll just sue those naughty boys.”
Sure enough, next hole they drove the ball directly into the gay twosome. “Now, Seymour, now! Fall down. Well show them…”
The Angels walk up to the standing and lying queer and say, “What the hell’s going on here?”
“You just hurt my friend Seymour really bad, and we’re going to get a lawyer and sue you….how do you like that?”
The Angel replies, “Oh Blow Me!”
The queer exclaims, “Seymour, Seymour, get up! They want to settle out of court!”
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!
What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
“How come?”
What’s the definition of a teenager?
God’s punishment for enjoying sex.
Did you hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
They’ll never see you coming.
What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M;&M.;
What does Kodak film have in common with a condom?
They both capture that special moment.
Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!
Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!
What’s the ultimate in rejection?
When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Why don’t debutantes go to orgies?
There’d be too many thank you notes to write.
What is every Amish woman’s private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!
Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.
Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
Is it in?
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year.
