Tone: cheeky

Cheeky humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Three Pregnant Women at the Bar

    Three women were sitting in a bar, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. They were all pregnant.

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    The brunette says, “I know what I’m going to have.” The other two asked how.

    She replied, “Well, I was on top when I conceived, so I will have a baby boy.”

    The redhead said, “If your logic is correct, then I will have a baby girl because I was on the bottom when I conceived.”

    The blonde starts crying and orders another shot and starts screaming, “PUPPIES, PUPPIES!”

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  • Friday Afternoon at the Bar

    A guy walked into his local bar one Friday afternoon right after clocking out of work.

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    Stepping up to the counter, he spotted his good friend Joe slamming back two double shots in a row, wearing a thoroughly miserable scowl.

    “What’s with the long face, Joe?” the guy asked, taking a seat beside him.

    Joe let out a heavy sigh. “My wife sat me down this morning and told me she’s putting me on a strict schedule. From now on, she’s only going to sleep with me on Mondays and Thursdays.”

    His buddy clapped him on the shoulder and said, “Come on, cheer up! Look on the bright side… she’s cut the rest of us off completely.”

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  • An Ad for a Husband

    A woman places an ad for a husband: Must not lay a hand to me, must not run around on me, and must be good in bed.

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    A couple of days later the doorbell rings and she answers the door.

    Sitting on her porch is a man in a wheelchair with no arms nor legs.

    She says, “I’m sorry, you must have misunderstood the ad.”

    The man asks, “Why? I have no arms, so I won’t lay a hand to you, and I have no legs, so I won’t run around on you.”

    The woman replies, “But the ad also said you had to be good in bed.”

    The man says, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

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  • The Height of a Flagpole

    Two blondes are trying to estimate the height of a flagpole.

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    A builder walks past and they explain their problem. He says, “That’s simple, ladies, watch this.”

    He unbolts it, lies it flat and measures it. One blonde says to the other blonde, “What a DICK, need to know the height not the fkn length.”

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  • Two Boys at the Pharmacy

    Two young boys walk into a pharmacy, pick out a box of tampons, and take them to the checkout.

    The pharmacist looks at the older boy.

    “How old are you, son?”

    “Eight.”

    “Do you know what these are used for?”

    “Not exactly,” the boy replies. “They’re not for me. They’re for my brother. He’s four.”

    “Oh, really?” the pharmacist asks.

    “Yeah. We saw on TV that if you use these, you can swim, play tennis, and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do any of those.”

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  • A Guy Comes Home from Work

    A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger banging his wife.

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    The guy says, “Hey! What the hell is going on here!?!”

    And his wife says to the stranger, “See? I told you he was stupid.”

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  • A Trained Crocodile

    A circus claims to have a truly unique attraction: a trained crocodile.

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    The crocodile shows some truly astonishing skills like jumping through a burning hoop, riding a bicycle, and even smoking a pipe.

    At the end of the show, the crocodile’s trainer instructs the orchestra to play a dramatic flourish as he unzips his pants and places his member into the crocodile’s open mouth. The crocodile then gently closes its mouth until the trainer gives it a good, solid whack between the eyes, upon which the crocodile lets go of his member without as much as a scratch. The audience erupts in applause until the trainer gestures for them to be quiet.

    “Any gentleman within the audience who is willing to repeat this, I will give them $1,000 in cash!” he proclaims. Nobody answers, so he ups the ante to $2,000, then $3,000 and even $4,000 until, when he calls out: “Alright, then, $5,000!” a man in the audience stands up.

    “I’ll do it! But on one condition!”

    “And what would that be?” asks the trainer.

    “Don’t hit me between the eyes like that.”

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  • The Horse, the Pig, and the Chicken

    A horse, a pig, and a chicken were friends.

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    One day they were playing on the farm when the horse suddenly fell into a deep ditch. The pig and the chicken panicked and started crying for help. The horse called out to them from the ditch and said, “Run to the shed where the farmer keeps his tractor. Get a rope, tie one end to the tractor and throw the other end to me. Then have the farmhand drive the tractor and pull me up.”

    The chicken and the pig did exactly that but weren’t sure if the tractor would work. But it was a powerful Mercedes tractor and in no time the horse was rescued from the ditch.

    A few days later the three of them were playing on the farm again when the chicken fell into the same ditch. The pig panicked and told the horse, “Come on, let’s get the tractor and the rope, quick!”

    The horse calmly said, “Wait, leave this to me.” He went over to the ditch, slowly lowered his dick and asked the chicken to grab on to it. As the terrified chicken grabbed his dick the horse carefully pulled her up.

    “Wow, that was amazing,” said the pig. “How did you even think of that?”

    “Well,” the horse replied, “when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.”

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  • A man goes to the doctor and complains that he has a bright orange penis

    A man goes to the doctor and complains that he has a bright orange penis. The doctor takes a look, and sure enough, the man’s penis is bright orange.

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    The doctor asks the man about his daily habits to see if he could get a clue about the cause of the malady.

    The man says, “My day is pretty normal. I get up in the morning and go to work. My work is at a desk in an office, so I don’t come into contact with any strange chemicals. I come home after work, make myself dinner, watch a little TV, then get ready for bed.”

    The doctor asks, “Do you do anything before bed?”

    The man says, “Nothing unusual, I just surf the web and eat Cheetos.”

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  • Ordering Coffee

    So a guy with a stutter is very self-conscious about it, and decides he’ll practice and practice so he can order a coffee without stuttering. “C-c-coffee, p-p-lease!” he keeps repeating. “C-coffee, p-please.”

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    After a couple weeks of practice he nails the phrase, goes to the café, and, wearing his best suit and a smug expression, he says to the barista, “I’ll have a coffee, please!”

    The barista nods and says, “Cream, sugar, or black?”

    And the guy says, “F-F-FUCK YOU!!”

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