Tone: Clever

Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Cliff Was Born For This Job

    Cliff Was Born For This Job

    Cliff was born for this job.

    CLIFF HANGER
    Rock Climbing Instructor
    BBC BREAKFAST

  • The Sign Said Press

    The sign on the door said, “PRESS.”

    So I did.

    The door opened…

    And the room was full of journalists.

  • Almost Every Night

    Two elderly men were bragging about their sex lives while playing pool at the senior center.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    One says to the other, “Can you still have sex with your wife?”

    The other responds, “I still have sex with my wife about once a week. How many nights do you have sex with your wife?”

    The first man says, “Oh, we do it almost every night of the week.”

    “Incredible,” the other man repeated. “Almost every night?”

    “Yep,” he responded. “Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday…”

  • Why Did You Make Her So Stupid

    One day, God asked Adam how things were going with Eve…

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Adam: Pretty good, I guess.

    God: You seem to be holding back. Do you have any questions?

    Adam: Well, why did you make her so much more beautiful than me?

    God: So you would enjoy looking at her.

    Adam: And why did you make her skin so much softer than mine?

    God: So you would enjoy touching her.

    Adam: And why did you make her smell so much better than me?

    God: So you would want to be around her all the time. You see, Adam, I made Eve just for you, to make you happy.

    Adam: Then why did you make her so stupid?

    God: Well, Adam, if I had made her any smarter, she never would have slept with a guy like you.

  • A Bad Case of Onomatopoeia

    Doctor: “I’m afraid you have a bad case of onomatopoeia.”

    Patient: “What’s that?”

    Doctor: “I’m afraid it’s exactly what it sounds like.”

  • Asking for Aspirin While Winking

    A man goes in for an interview for a job as a TV news broadcaster. The interview went quite well with one problem — he kept winking at the camera.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The interviewer said, “Although you have a lot of the qualities we’re looking for, the fact that you keep winking is a real problem. I’m afraid we won’t be able to hire you unless you get it under control.”

    “Oh, that’s no problem,” said the man. “If I take a couple of aspirin I stop winking for a couple of hours. More than enough time to get the broadcast done.”

    “Alright, show me,” said the interviewer.

    So the man reached into his pocket. First, he put his hand in his right pocket, and as he took it out he pulled out loads of condoms of every variety and size, but no pills. Next he dug into his left pocket, and again pulled out an embarrassing amount of condoms in all shapes and colors before finally finding the packet of aspirin. He took the aspirin, and the second take went without a single hitch.

    The interviewer said, “That’s amazing, I’d hire you on the spot, except that we’re not in the habit of hiring such womanizers. We’ve had too many sexual harassment suits.”

    “Excuse me!” exclaimed the man. “I’m a happily married man, not a womanizer!”

    “Well how do you explain all the condoms, then?” asked the interviewer.

    The man sighed, “Have you ever tried going into a pharmacy, asking for aspirin, and winking all the while?”

  • Shit Happens According to Religion

    Taoism — Shit happens.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    Buddhism — If shit happens, it’s not really shit.

    Islam — If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah.

    Protestantism — Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.

    Judaism — Why does this shit always happen to us?

    Hinduism — This shit happened before.

    Catholicism — Shit happens because you’re bad.

    Hare Krishna — Shit happens rama rama.

    T.V. Evangelism — Send more shit.

    Atheism — No shit.

    Jehovah’s Witness — Knock knock, shit happens.

    Hedonism — There’s nothing like a good shit happening.

    Christian Science — Shit happens in your mind.

    Agnosticism — Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.

    Rastafarianism — Let’s smoke this shit.

    Existentialism — What is shit anyway?

    Stoicism — This shit doesn’t bother me.

  • Not Another Breathalyser

    One day, while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works.

    “I’ve pulled you over for speeding, ma’am. Could I see your driver’s license?”

    “What’s a license?” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.

    “It’s usually in your wallet,” replied the officer.

    After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.

    “Now, may I see your registration?” asked the cop.

    “Registration… what’s that?” asked the blonde.

    “It’s usually in your glove compartment,” said the cop impatiently.

    After some more fumbling, she found the registration.

    “I’ll be back in a minute,” said the cop and walked back to his car.

    The officer called in to dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration.

    After a few moments, the dispatcher came back. “Ummm… is this woman driving a red sports car?”

    “Yes,” replied the officer.

    “Is she a drop-dead gorgeous blonde?” asked the dispatcher.

    “Uh… yes,” replied the cop.

    “Here’s what you do,” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants.”

    “What? I can’t do that. It’s… inappropriate,” exclaimed the cop.

    “Trust me. Just do it,” said the dispatcher.

    So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.

    The blonde looks down and sighs, “Ohh no… not another breathalyser…”

  • The Detective Exam

    A police officer is interviewing three recruits who are training to become detectives.

    To test their observational skills, he shows the first recruit a photograph of a suspect for five seconds before hiding it.

    “This is your suspect,” he says. “How would you recognize him?”

    The first recruit answers, “Easy. We’d catch him right away because he only has one eye.”

    The officer sighs. “That’s because I showed you his side profile.”

    Trying again, he shows the same photo to the second recruit for five seconds. “This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?”

    The second recruit smiles confidently. “Even easier. He only has one ear.”

    Now the officer is furious. “What’s wrong with you two? Of course he only has one eye and one ear. It’s a side-profile photo! Can’t either of you come up with a better answer?”

    Completely exasperated, he turns to the third recruit. “This is your suspect. How would you recognize him?” Then he adds, “And think carefully before you give me another ridiculous answer.”

    The third recruit studies the photo for a moment. “The suspect wears contact lenses.”

    The officer blinks in surprise. He doesn’t actually know whether the suspect wears contacts.

    “That’s… an interesting observation. Wait here while I check his file.”

    A few minutes later, the officer returns with a huge smile. “Incredible! You’re right. The suspect really does wear contact lenses. How on earth did you figure that out?”

    “Simple,” the third recruit replies. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

  • 4th Of July Is Absolutely My Favorite Holiday

    4th Of July Is Absolutely My Favorite Holiday

    4th of July is absolutely my favorite holiday