A guy comes home completely drunk, and his wife is furious. “How much have you had to drink this time?” she says.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash ChaosTone: Clever
Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Signing My Dogs Up for Welfare
This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare. At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.” So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and have no frigging clue who their daddies are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dogs get their first checks Friday.
Damn, this is a great country.
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The Top 16 Lesser Known Paths to the Dark Side
The Top 16 Lesser Known Paths to the Dark Side
16. “Mr. Lucas — can I show you the preliminary sketches for my ‘Cute Gungan’ character?”
15. Do tequila shots while watching the Home Shopping Network.
14. At only $3.99, that Yanni CD is just too cheap to pass up. I mean, that’s practically FREE, man.
13. Hide your evil corporate doings behind the smiling face of a cartoon mouse.
12. “Whitney and Bobby, I now pronounce you man and wife.”
11. On a dare, watch a muted “Gigli” while listening to William Hung’s latest album.
10. Try to pay for more than 10 power converters in the Tashi Station express lane.
9. You feel an other-worldly presence inspiring you as you introduce Paris Hilton to Kato Kaelin.
8. Puns.
7. Your senior thesis: “John Wilkes Booth: American Patriot.”
6. Return to your childhood for inspiration in choosing your post-Jedi name, “Darth Blankie.”
5. “An interest-free loan? Oh man, Mr. Gotti, you’re a life-saver!”
4. A seemingly innocent pairing of Martha Stewart bed linens with Christopher Lowell pillow shams.
3. Tentatively decide to approach Ted Nugent with your idea for curbing the neighborhood’s population of stray pets.
2. “I love your hair, Mr. Trump.”
1. Offer your services to Death Row Records as house grammarian.
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Meals on Wheels
A cat passed away after a long, happy life on a farm.
When she arrived at Heaven’s gates, God welcomed her and said, “You were a good cat. Anything you want — just ask.”
The cat thought for a moment and said, “Well… I always slept on cold, hard floors. I would love a big, soft pillow.”
“Say no more,” God replied.
POOF! The cat now had the fluffiest pillow she had ever seen.
A few days later, six mice were killed in a tragic accident and arrived at Heaven together.
God met them at the gates and asked what they would like.
The mice said, “All our lives we had to run from cats, dogs — even broomsticks! If we could have little roller skates, we’d never have to run again!”
God smiled…
POOF! Six happy mice skating around Heaven in style.
About a week later, God stopped by to check on the cat. She was curled up on her pillow, sleeping like royalty.
“Hello, my child,” God said softly. “How are you enjoying Heaven?”
The cat stretched, purred, and said, “Oh, it’s wonderful! The pillow is perfect… and those little ‘Meals on Wheels’ you keep sending over are delicious!”
