When I responded to an ad for a free psychic reading, she told me I was the type of person who wants something for nothing. How could she possibly know that?
Tone: Clever
Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Neckwear for an Octopus
When choosing neckwear for an octopus, a bow tie is the way to go. A long tie is just likely to get tangled in the tentacles. Plus, most octopi believe that a bow tie makes them look like eccentric intellectuals rather than slimy cephalopods.
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Renaissance Faire Riot
A riot broke out at the local Renaissance Faire. Things got pretty ugly, but luckily the authorities intervened before anyone could start luting.
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Anal Fetish Scam
The Australian police have been unable to recommend prosecution for a clever scam involving a fake pornographic video company. The company places newspaper advertisements offering imported hard-core pornographic videos at reasonable prices, encouraging people to place orders and make payments via check.
After several weeks, the company sends a letter explaining that due to current laws, they are unable to supply the materials and do not wish to be prosecuted. They return their customers’ money in the form of a company check.
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Mr. Insurance Duck
I’m confused by those ads where a duck is trying to sell people disability insurance by quacking, “AFLAC!” at them. If instead he just yelled, “Duck!” I bet most debilitating injuries could be avoided altogether. I’m on to your scam, Mr. Insurance Duck!
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Arrest a Mime
If I were a cop, I’d look for an excuse to arrest a mime just so I could tell them they had the right to remain silent.
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Take Something for My Kleptomania
I thought about trying to take something for my kleptomania, but that sort of defeats the purpose, then, doesn’t it?
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Accountant’s Creative Job Title Consultation
A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”
The accountant balks and says, “No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman, “Ok, I’m a prostitute.”
“No, that is still too crude. Try again.”
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, “I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year.”
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Secretary of Defense
If the top doctor and top lawyer are called the Surgeon General and the Attorney General, how come the person who heads up the military is called the Secretary of Defense? I suppose it’s because he can type really fast.
