Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
The KFC twitter account only follows 11 people. The 5 spice girls and 6 guys named herb. This is because of their secret blend of 11 herbs and spices. The first person to notice and point this out was sent a painting of himself holding a drumstick while riding piggyback on the Colonel.
YUP
odysseus: we now set out on our odyssey.
sailor: [raising hand] what’s an odyssey?
odysseus: a long journey named after the only survivor.
sailor: oh ok wait what.
BEHOLD THE FIELD IN WHICH I GROW MY FUCKS LOOK THOU VPON IT AND THOU SHALT SEE THAT IT IS BARREN.
I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because the weights are too heavy.
I just handed in my too weak notice.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?” I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled…
“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
The Top 16 Euphemisms for Masturbation
16. Lap-based web browsing
15. Gettin’ some air nookie
14. Wrangling the invertebrate serpent
13. Tango Con Mano
12. Jostling your Elder
11. Ruminating & Pondering
10. Shaking your fist at the ex-girlfriend
9. Releasing the hostages
8. Tickling your Elmo
7. Fixing the Hubble
6. Putting the seminal luge team through their paces
5. Carnal Tunnel Syndrome
4. Beda-testing the hardware
3. Downloading from your own website
2. Evicting the testicular squatters
1. Manually Increasing the Surface Temperature of the Ship’s Primary Cannon by Repeated Linear Manipulation
[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]
Continental drift is no mere theory; it is fact. Forget about trying to fit Africa and South America together — just look at how Spain’s jagged western border fits Portugal’s jagged eastern border like a glove. Coincidence? Please.
The Top 17 Safe Porn Movies (R-rated)
17. Cold Shower Mountain
16. The Abstinent-Minded Professor
15. The Silence of the Loins
14. Mickey Blue Balls
13. Boys on the Side of Caution
12. Full Metal Chastity Belt
11. Harry Potter and the Extremely Dog-Eared Issue of Swank
10. The Longest Yawn
9. Emmanuelle Goes Pennsylvania Dutch
8. Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice… Have a Lovely Game of Bridge
7. Bone Alone
6. Fakin’ 2: Battery-Operated Boogaloo
5. Debbie Does Bupkis
4. Papa’s Celibate Condition
3. White Men Can’t Hump
2. Girl on Girl, Interrupted
1. All Quiet on the Wankin’ Front
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy. “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex.”
