Tone: Clever

Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • It Comes in Waves

    Therapist: What brings you in today?

    Me: I have a terrible fear of tsunamis.

    Therapist: How bad is it?

    Me: It comes in waves.

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  • Where Should I Put My Pants

    During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “Where should I put my pants?”

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    “Over there by mine.” was not the answer I expected.

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  • The Gym Teacher’s Demonstration

    A principal is in a health class telling them it will be sex education week and gym teacher Mr. Wilson will be teaching.

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    The principal exits the classroom, then comes in walking Mr. Wilson with a banana in hand.

    “Class, today I will be teaching you all how to properly put on a condom.”

    The kids look at him and the banana.

    Mr. Wilson tells them, “You’re probably wondering why I have a banana. Well, because it’s hard for me to get an erection on an empty stomach.”

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  • Can You Tell the Time

    A drunk man comes home late. His wife sees him and angrily exclaims, “Are you drunk again?!”

    The man shakes his head and answers, “No, I am not drunk!”

    “Okay, then prove it. There’s a clock over there. Can you tell the time?”

    “Of course I can!” says the man.

    He turns toward the clock and screams, “Hey! I am not drunk!”

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  • In Hot Water With the Japanese Mafia

    A guy is sitting at the bar looking miserable. “What’s wrong?” asks the bartender.

    The guy says, “I got the words ‘jacuzzi’ and ‘yakuza’ mixed up.”

    “So?” asks the bartender.

    And the guy says, “Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.”

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  • Stuck It in Cider

    A man with an unshakeable erection asks for help from the pharmacist.

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    The lady who attends to him has never seen a problem this persistent and is unsure how to proceed. At first, she tried putting it in rubbing alcohol, but that didn’t help. Next up was mild citric acid, but that had no effect. She tried dipping it into everything from mineral oil to shampoo, but nothing would cure it.

    Finally, she had a bright idea and stuck it in cider.

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  • I Can Tell by the Voice

    A guy comes home completely drunk, and his wife is furious. “How much have you had to drink this time?” she says.

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    “Nothing,” mumbles the guy.

    “Listen to me, you liar!” she shouts. “It’s either me or the goddamn bar. Which is it?”

    And the guy says, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

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  • Ana o Machigaeta

    A businessman was both nervous and excited about an upcoming trip to Japan for a series of meetings at the home office. While there he would be playing golf with the president of the company.

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    The man was so nervous the night before leaving his Japanese wife… did what wives often do to calm their husband’s nerves before a big trip… Let’s just say that in the throes of marital passion her English often escaped her…

    That night she said, “Ana o machigaeta” in a particularly intense voice. Her husband thought, “Whoa! It must be going really well!”

    The next day he boarded his plane. The day after he was on the golf course with the company’s president. They got to about the 9th hole. The president hit a hole in one! The man, while trying to learn Japanese, wasn’t that confident yet… So remembering what his wife said the other night, he blurted out, “Ana o machigaeta!”

    The president turning to look at him, replied, “What you mean ‘wrong hole?’”

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  • The Lie Detector Robot Is Now for Sale

    A dad bought a lie-detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

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    He decided to test it out at dinner.

    Dad asked his son, “What did you do this afternoon?”

    The son replied, “I did my homework.”

    SLAP!

    “Okay, okay,” the son said. “I was at a friend’s house watching movies.”

    Dad asked, “What movie?”

    “Toy Story.”

    SLAP!

    “Alright, alright,” the son admitted. “We were watching adult movies.”

    Dad snapped, “What?! At your age, I didn’t even know what those were!”

    SLAP!

    Mom burst out laughing and said, “Well, he certainly is your son!”

    SLAP!

    The robot is now for sale.

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  • Can I Have One of That Too

    A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

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    After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

    The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”

    The Irishman, holding his drink tight, looked at the attendant and said, “Can I have one of that too.”

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