A teacher asks little Johnny to say a sentence using the word “fascinate.”
Little Johnny: “My sister’s boobs are so big that when she puts on her shirt with ten buttons, she can only fasten eight.”
Tone: Clever
Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Hooters Every Ten Years
Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.
At age thirty-two they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch. “Where do you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why Hooters?”
“They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts, and the gorgeous legs.”
“Perfect, you’re on.”
At age forty-two, they meet and play golf again. “Where do you wanna go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Again? Why?”
“They have cold beer, big-screen TVs, and side action on the games.”
“Yeah, boy! Let’s do it!”
At age fifty-two they meet and play again. “So, where do you wanna go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there’s plenty of parking.”
“OK.”
At age sixty-two they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, “Where do you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price and the food isn’t too spicy.”
“Good choice.”
At age seventy-two they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf, one says, “Where shall we go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts.”
“Great choice.”
At age eighty-two they meet and play again. “Where should we go for lunch?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Because we’ve never been there before.”
“OK, let’s give it a try!”
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Bumpin Dakota
BUMPIN DAKOTA MINNESOTA WISCONSIN MICHIGAN Chicago Toronto OHIO Kansis City KANSAS OKLAHOMA Dallas Houston Louisiana GEORGIA FLORIDA MEXICO Google
M’ikez 2/28/17
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Imagine Asian
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my imagine Asian.
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Weathermen Are Like New Brides
Standing at checkout at the local hardware store. The old guy in line ahead of me was asked by the cashier about the upcoming snowstorm forecast.
“Weathermen are like new brides,” the old man said. “Neither has any idea how many inches they’ll get or how long it’ll last.”
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Open Mike Night
I’m hosting an autopsy club meeting tonight!
It’s “Open Mike Night”!
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Beat Me Half to Death
A guy finds an old lamp and gives it a rub. A genie pops out.
The genie says, “I will grant you three wishes, but there are rules. One wish has to be good for you, two have to be bad for you. And whatever you wish for, your ex-wife gets double.”
The guy thinks for a second and says, “Alright. For my first wish, I want a million-dollar mansion sitting on one hundred acres, with a safe inside that has ten million dollars in it.”
The genie snaps his fingers. “Done. And your ex-wife now has a two-million-dollar ranch on two hundred acres with a safe holding twenty million.”
The guy shakes his head but says, “Okay. For my second wish, I want you to give my ex-wife half of everything I have.”
The genie looks at him for a moment, then snaps again. “Done. Which means she now has to give you all of hers.”
The guy smiles. “Perfect.”
The genie says, “Alright, last wish. This one has to be bad for you.”
The guy takes a breath and says, “Fine. I want you to beat me half to death.”
The genie pauses, looks at him, then slowly smiles.
