Tone: Clever

Clever humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • We’re on the Patch

    Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror — the cops are on his tail. His buddy says, “What are we going to do?”

    The driver says, “Don’t worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly. First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we’ll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking.”

    They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy’s driver’s license. And he asks him, “Have you been drinking?”

    “Oh, no, sir,” the driver replies.

    “I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you sure you haven’t been drinking?” the cop asks.

    “Oh, no, sir,” the drunk answers. “We haven’t had a thing to drink tonight.”

    “Well, I’ve got to ask you,” says the cop, “what on earth are those things on your forehead?”

    “That’s easy, Officer,” says the drunk. “You see, we’re both alcoholics, and we’re on the Patch!”

  • Sting Operation

    Did you hear about the bee who got busted for visiting a prostitute?

    It was a sting operation.

  • Piano Man Gay Bar

    Piano Man Gay Bar

    notquitesoancient: you know who’s gay? paul the real estate novelist who never had time for a wife and davey who’s still in the navy and probably will be for life

    mooncustafer: New headcannon: everyone in that song is gay except the Piano Man who has no idea he’s playing at a gay bar and the staff and regulars have a betting pool on how long he’ll take to finally figure it out. So far John is ahead.

    skeleton-richard: #that makes the ‘man what are you doing here’ line way funnier

  • You’re Next

    Old people at weddings always poke me and say, “You’re next.”

    So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

  • Beware of Doug

    Beware of Doug

    BEWARE OF DOUG

    ACME SALES CO.

  • It’s Not a Problem, It’s a Solution

    A scientist and his apprentice are mixing fluids in a beaker.

    The scientist adds a final drop to the mixture. The fluid violently shakes, turns a nasty green, and releases a puff of smoke.

    The apprentice sees this reaction and asks the scientist if there’s a problem.

    The scientist calmly explains that this isn’t a problem, it’s a solution.

  • Yes, We Arson

    Kid: Dad, are we pyromaniacs?

    Dad: Yes, we arson.

  • Prophets Going Through the Roof

    I just opened a store selling trampolines disguised as prayer mats.

    Prophets are going through the roof!

  • Glazed Eyes

    “Your eyes look red,” said the cop. “Have you been smoking weed?”

    “Your eyes look glazed,” I replied. “Have you been eating donuts?”

  • $chool and kNOwledge

    Sam went away to school. A month later, he mailed a letter to his mother:

    Dear Mom,

    $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I’m acing $pani$h and Economic$, and I $pend hour$ in the $ocial $cience$ department. $ociology i$ intere$ting!

    Ju$t off I can’t think of anything I wi$h for, but it would be $uper nice if you could ju$t $end me a card, a$ you know I would alway$ love to hear from you.

    Love and ki$$e$,
    your $on, $am

    His mother wrote back:

    Dear Sammy,

    I kNOw ecoNOmics, astroNOmy, and oceaNOgraphy are more than eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

    Love, your mom