I like my mornings to be slow and quiet. I want the day to romance me a bit before it tries to fuck me.
Tone: crude
Crude humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Michelangelo Dicks Out
“Yeah I can paint your ceiling”
Michelangelo scoffs to himself
“Gonna paint a bunch of dudes with their dicks out tho”
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Settling Out of Court on the Golf Course
Two queers were enjoying a pleasant round of golf when a foursome of Hell’s Angels began hitting into them from behind. One queer finally becomes angry and turns to his partner,”If those big bad boys hit into us one more time, Seymour, you fall down and act like the ball hit you very very hard in the head. We’ll just sue those naughty boys.”
Sure enough, next hole they drove the ball directly into the gay twosome. “Now, Seymour, now! Fall down. Well show them…”
The Angels walk up to the standing and lying queer and say, “What the hell’s going on here?”
“You just hurt my friend Seymour really bad, and we’re going to get a lawyer and sue you….how do you like that?”
The Angel replies, “Oh Blow Me!”
The queer exclaims, “Seymour, Seymour, get up! They want to settle out of court!”
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Dirty Riddles and Cheeky One-Liners
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it out!What did the Indian say when the white man tied his penis in a knot?
“How come?”What’s the definition of a teenager?
God’s punishment for enjoying sex.Did you hear the slogan for the Stealth Condom?
They’ll never see you coming.What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?
S&M;&M.;What does Kodak film have in common with a condom?
They both capture that special moment.Define Transvestite:
A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary!Why is being in the military like a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders?
A scrotum pole!What’s the ultimate in rejection?
When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.Why don’t debutantes go to orgies?
There’d be too many thank you notes to write.What is every Amish woman’s private fantasy?
Two Mennonite!Why is sex like a game of bridge?
If you have a good hand, you don’t need a partner.Can you say three two letter words that denote small?
Is it in?What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A bingo machine.What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used rubbers?
One is a Goodyear and the other is a great year. -
Mother’s Unexpected Backyard Activities
Salesman to boy answering the door… “Hi, is your mother in?”
“Yes,” said the boy, “she’s out in the back yard screwing the goat.”
“I don’t believe it,” said the salesman.
The boy says: “Come and see for yourself.”
So the salesman looked in the back yard, and sure enough, there was the goat screwing the mother.
The salesman said to the boy, “Isn’t she afraid she’ll get pregnant?”
The boy says… “N-a-a-a-a-a-a-“
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Gerbil Mishap in Hospital
In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil, Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.
Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew Kiki Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.
I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in, he explained.
As usual, Kiki shouted out Armageddon, my cue that hed had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldnt come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.
At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewskis hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbils fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball.
Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
