Tone: crude

Crude humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Taco City Beans

    Taco City Beans

    CAUTION: GAS LINE CALL BEFORE YOU DRILL

    TACO CITY

    BEANS

    8.

  • This Bitch Is Giving You a Hard Time?

    This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a fuckin’ checking account!”

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    To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”

    “Listen up, dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin’ checking account right now.”

    “Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!” The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”

    “There’s no damn problem,” the man said. “I just won fifty million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin’ checking account in this damn bank!”

    “I see, sir,” the manager said. “And this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

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  • My Apologies

    When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a “dirty son of a bitch” to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas party.

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    The office manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I’d like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you.

    First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I’m very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for fifty cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours too. About the water cooler incident, you’ll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn’t hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off.

    To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the banister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had.

    Sam, you old cuss, you’ve just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I’d have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that lady hadn’t been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories.

    Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure, don’t they? And boy, the water is sure cold!

    Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants — it makes me sick. We’ll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates.

    Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies’ room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn’t remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flagpole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk.

    To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan’s panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. Urinating in everyone’s drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse.

    Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darndest to come to the picnic…

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  • The Top 16 Signs You’ve Had Too Much to Drink

    16. The pants you just wet are not your own.

    15. Her lips may be saying, “Baaaaa,” but her eyes are screaming, “YES!”

    14. “I love the TopFive Lissst. NO, NO, I LOVE THE TOPFIVE LIST! I DO, I REALLLY REAALLLY DO.”

    13. Well, five boilermakers ago you would have qualified as an English soccer fan.

    12. You just woke up next to a teddy bear you don’t recognize, with its paws in an inappropriate location.

    11. You wake up and realize you slept with a dog. A REAL dog.

    10. The ATF suggests that you take up smoking instead.

    9. You have vomit on your jacket. It’s not yours, but there it is, nevertheless.

    8. Your bed spins at 33 rpm.

    7. Your liver is trying to dial 9-1-1.

    6. You wake up naked in a strange car, clutching a keg tap and sporting fresh ink on your nether regions. Not that I’d know.

    5. John Kerry’s starting to sound like he’s taking a position on something.

    4. In a sudden moment of clarity, Bush’s foreign policy strikes you as shrewd and effective.

    3. You see pink elephants… and get them to give you a ride home.

    2. You squish when you blink.

    1. You are seriously considering voting for Ralph Nader.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2004 by Chris White

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  • Nine Martini Nightcap

    A tired-looking gentleman walks up to a bar and asks the bartender quite explicitly for nine double martinis, extra dry, hold the olives, and to serve them all at once, right away. The bartender gives the man a curious look, but to no effect, and proceeds to mix and pour the man’s request. The gentleman picks up the first and turns it up quickly before the bartender can finish pouring even the second one, and proceeds to drink each one in turn.

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    Finally, the bartender has to ask. “Why all the drinks?”

    “Celebrating!”

    “Oh? What’s the occasion?”

    “My first blowjob.”

    “Well, congratulations. Let me give you one on the house to make it an even ten.”

    “No thanks. If this doesn’t get the taste out of my mouth, another one won’t help any.”

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  • The Top 15 Things Overheard at Office Holiday Parties

    15. “All right, who’s the smartass who replaced the French onion dip with Wite-Out?”

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    14. “So I said to myself, ‘Jell-O mold — moldy Jell-O… who’s gonna know the difference?’”

    13. “A Chia Pet instead of a cash bonus! How creative of you, sir.”

    12. “Hey, did you remember to let the boss out of that rat hole outside of Tikrit?”
    “Me? I thought you were supposed to!”

    11. “Hey, baby, wanna be today’s guest of honor in my blog?”

    10. “I know it’s a photocopy of Jenkins’s buttocks, but you’ve got to admit, it does look like Santa.”

    9. “There’s a holiday scene for you: Rudolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer sitting at the table with VP Little Dumber Boy.”

    8. “I forgot the party was tonight, until I realized that the entire IT department smells like Old Spice.”

    7. “So he crosses out the ‘A451,’ writes ‘A578’ at the top, and tries to resubmit it! Can you believe that guy? An A451! Hahahahaha!”

    6. “Sorry Boss, you know the rule: no bonus, no oral favors.”

    5. “Take your clothes off, men — time to go skinny-dipping in the secretarial pool!”

    4. “I remember the old days when we’d just photocopy our asses. Now we have to outsource it to a graphics company so they can touch it up before IT posts it to the corporate website.”

    3. “Don’t crash the Halliburton party next door — they’re asking twenty-four bucks for a Bud Light.”

    2. “He’s your Secret Santa? Be careful. It took six prescriptions to get rid of what he gave me last year.”

    1. “You’re the boss’s wife? What a coincidence — I’m his bitch.”

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • The Top 15 Signs You’re Drinking a Chick Beer

    15. Every time you have to hit the john, you find yourself asking a friend to come along.

    14. Warning label states: “Caution: May make ass look fat.”

    13. After a few, you find yourself arguing that figure skating actually is a sport.

    12. Your belches come out potpourri-scented.

    11. You still cry into your eighth one, but now it’s because the guy on the next stool is wearing the same outfit.

    10. The slogan: “Get that bloated feeling any day of the month!”

    9. The label boasts that it’s this month’s recommendation from Oprah’s Beer Club.

    8. Your desire to wear women’s panties is stronger than usual.

    7. When you squat to pee in the sink, you notice a fresh floral scent.

    6. After you’ve slammed a few, you find yourself at Blockbuster trying to decide between “Sleepless in Seattle” and “Waiting to Exhale.”

    5. Regis Philbin gets funnier with every sip!

    4. The can has a picture of a shirtless Fabio on the front and a bundt cake recipe on the back.

    3. “Who cares about the game? Will & Grace is on!”

    2. There’s no head unless you pour some liquor into it.

    1. Your man-boobs have started lactating.

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2003 by Chris White

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  • The Top 15 Rejected Cocktail Names

    15. Harvey Ballbuster

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    14. Gin & Colonic

    13. Slow Uncomfortable Spew

    12. Scabby Mary

    11. Sullen Masturbation on the Beach

    10. Wrung-Out Bar Rag on the Rocks with a Twist

    9. Bloody Navel

    8. Blatant Reference to Sexual Activity

    7. The Slutmaker

    6. Sloe Comfortable Screw Up Against a Wall in Cancun Next to a Fat Dude Named Ramon Who Keeps Flicking Matches at Some Kids Poking a Dead Rat with a Stick They Found Underneath a ’57 T-Bird with a Dead Prostitute in the Trunk

    5. Long Island Iced Pee

    4. Screaming Hangover

    3. Buttery Pimple

    2. Elian on the Beach

    1. Sex with Your Wife

    The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
    Copyright 2001 by Chris White

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  • Why a Beer Is Better Than Women

    1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.

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    2. A frigid beer is good.

    3. A beer doesn’t care when you come home.

    4. When a beer goes flat you can toss it.

    5. A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.

    6. A beer never gets a headache.

    7. If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head.

    8. You can share a beer with a friend.

    9. You always know when you’re the first one to pop a beer.

    10. A beer is always wet.

    11. You can have a beer in public.

    12. You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.

    13. A beer doesn’t get pregnant.

    14. A beer doesn’t have parents.

    15. You can say whatever you want to a beer.

    16. A beer doesn’t care if you are late.

    17. And you can always have several different beers and not feel guilty.

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  • Got a Dog Named Chunks

    A guy comes into work one morning and tells his buddy, “Boy, I feel like shit today.”

    Buddy says, “What’s wrong?”

    Guy says, “Got drunk last night, went home and blew chunks.”

    Buddy says, “Nothing wrong with that.”

    Guy says, “Yes there is… Got a dog named Chunks.”

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