CAUTION: GAS LINE CALL BEFORE YOU DRILL
TACO CITY
BEANS
8.
Tone: crude
Crude humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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This Bitch Is Giving You a Hard Time?
This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, “I want to open a fuckin’ checking account!”
To which the lady replied, “I beg your pardon, what did you say?”
“Listen up, dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin’ checking account right now.”
“Sir, I’m sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!” The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, “What seems to be the problem here?”
“There’s no damn problem,” the man said. “I just won fifty million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin’ checking account in this damn bank!”
“I see, sir,” the manager said. “And this bitch is giving you a hard time?”
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The Top 16 Signs You’ve Had Too Much to Drink
16. The pants you just wet are not your own.
15. Her lips may be saying, “Baaaaa,” but her eyes are screaming, “YES!”
14. “I love the TopFive Lissst. NO, NO, I LOVE THE TOPFIVE LIST! I DO, I REALLLY REAALLLY DO.”
13. Well, five boilermakers ago you would have qualified as an English soccer fan.
12. You just woke up next to a teddy bear you don’t recognize, with its paws in an inappropriate location.
11. You wake up and realize you slept with a dog. A REAL dog.
10. The ATF suggests that you take up smoking instead.
9. You have vomit on your jacket. It’s not yours, but there it is, nevertheless.
8. Your bed spins at 33 rpm.
7. Your liver is trying to dial 9-1-1.
6. You wake up naked in a strange car, clutching a keg tap and sporting fresh ink on your nether regions. Not that I’d know.
5. John Kerry’s starting to sound like he’s taking a position on something.
4. In a sudden moment of clarity, Bush’s foreign policy strikes you as shrewd and effective.
3. You see pink elephants… and get them to give you a ride home.
2. You squish when you blink.
1. You are seriously considering voting for Ralph Nader.
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2004 by Chris White -
The Top 15 Things Overheard at Office Holiday Parties
15. “All right, who’s the smartass who replaced the French onion dip with Wite-Out?”
14. “So I said to myself, ‘Jell-O mold — moldy Jell-O… who’s gonna know the difference?’”
13. “A Chia Pet instead of a cash bonus! How creative of you, sir.”
12. “Hey, did you remember to let the boss out of that rat hole outside of Tikrit?”
“Me? I thought you were supposed to!”11. “Hey, baby, wanna be today’s guest of honor in my blog?”
10. “I know it’s a photocopy of Jenkins’s buttocks, but you’ve got to admit, it does look like Santa.”
9. “There’s a holiday scene for you: Rudolph the Brown-Nosed Reindeer sitting at the table with VP Little Dumber Boy.”
8. “I forgot the party was tonight, until I realized that the entire IT department smells like Old Spice.”
7. “So he crosses out the ‘A451,’ writes ‘A578’ at the top, and tries to resubmit it! Can you believe that guy? An A451! Hahahahaha!”
6. “Sorry Boss, you know the rule: no bonus, no oral favors.”
5. “Take your clothes off, men — time to go skinny-dipping in the secretarial pool!”
4. “I remember the old days when we’d just photocopy our asses. Now we have to outsource it to a graphics company so they can touch it up before IT posts it to the corporate website.”
3. “Don’t crash the Halliburton party next door — they’re asking twenty-four bucks for a Bud Light.”
2. “He’s your Secret Santa? Be careful. It took six prescriptions to get rid of what he gave me last year.”
1. “You’re the boss’s wife? What a coincidence — I’m his bitch.”
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2003 by Chris White -
The Top 15 Signs You’re Drinking a Chick Beer
15. Every time you have to hit the john, you find yourself asking a friend to come along.
14. Warning label states: “Caution: May make ass look fat.”
13. After a few, you find yourself arguing that figure skating actually is a sport.
12. Your belches come out potpourri-scented.
11. You still cry into your eighth one, but now it’s because the guy on the next stool is wearing the same outfit.
10. The slogan: “Get that bloated feeling any day of the month!”
9. The label boasts that it’s this month’s recommendation from Oprah’s Beer Club.
8. Your desire to wear women’s panties is stronger than usual.
7. When you squat to pee in the sink, you notice a fresh floral scent.
6. After you’ve slammed a few, you find yourself at Blockbuster trying to decide between “Sleepless in Seattle” and “Waiting to Exhale.”
5. Regis Philbin gets funnier with every sip!
4. The can has a picture of a shirtless Fabio on the front and a bundt cake recipe on the back.
3. “Who cares about the game? Will & Grace is on!”
2. There’s no head unless you pour some liquor into it.
1. Your man-boobs have started lactating.
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2003 by Chris White -
The Top 15 Rejected Cocktail Names
15. Harvey Ballbuster
14. Gin & Colonic
13. Slow Uncomfortable Spew
12. Scabby Mary
11. Sullen Masturbation on the Beach
10. Wrung-Out Bar Rag on the Rocks with a Twist
9. Bloody Navel
8. Blatant Reference to Sexual Activity
7. The Slutmaker
6. Sloe Comfortable Screw Up Against a Wall in Cancun Next to a Fat Dude Named Ramon Who Keeps Flicking Matches at Some Kids Poking a Dead Rat with a Stick They Found Underneath a ’57 T-Bird with a Dead Prostitute in the Trunk
5. Long Island Iced Pee
4. Screaming Hangover
3. Buttery Pimple
2. Elian on the Beach
1. Sex with Your Wife
The Top 5 List — www.topfive.com
Copyright 2001 by Chris White -
Why a Beer Is Better Than Women
1. You can enjoy a beer all month long.
2. A frigid beer is good.
3. A beer doesn’t care when you come home.
4. When a beer goes flat you can toss it.
5. A beer doesn’t get jealous when you grab another beer.
6. A beer never gets a headache.
7. If you pour a beer right, you always get a good head.
8. You can share a beer with a friend.
9. You always know when you’re the first one to pop a beer.
10. A beer is always wet.
11. You can have a beer in public.
12. You don’t have to wash a beer before it tastes good.
13. A beer doesn’t get pregnant.
14. A beer doesn’t have parents.
15. You can say whatever you want to a beer.
16. A beer doesn’t care if you are late.
17. And you can always have several different beers and not feel guilty.
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Got a Dog Named Chunks
A guy comes into work one morning and tells his buddy, “Boy, I feel like shit today.”
Buddy says, “What’s wrong?”
Guy says, “Got drunk last night, went home and blew chunks.”
Buddy says, “Nothing wrong with that.”
Guy says, “Yes there is… Got a dog named Chunks.”
