Tone: dark humor

Dark humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Smothered Chicken

    As my husband ordered the smothered chicken, I thought to myself, “Boy, it sure took a sick bastard to discover the meat had a special flavor when oxygen-deprived.”

  • Dead Cat’s Legs Point Toward Heaven Joke

    Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her pet cat lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could. “I’m afraid Tiddles is dead Lucy”.

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    “So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that Daddy?” asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.

    At a loss for something to say the father replied, “Tiddles’ legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven”.

    Little Lucy seemed to take her cats death quite well. However two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: “Mummy almost died this morning”.

    Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, “How do you mean Lucy?”

    “Well”, mumbled Lucy, “soon after you left for work this morning I saw mummy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting “Oh Jesus!!! I’m coming, I’m coming!!!” and if it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy”.

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  • Little Red Riding Hood’s Unexpected Defense

    Little Red Riding Hood was getting ready to go and visit her grandmother in the forest and her mother said: ‘You’d better not go out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because the big bad wolf’s out and you know what he’ll do; He’ll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off.’

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    But Little Red Riding Hood pulled out a shotgun and said: ‘Don’t worry Mum, I’ve got it covered.’

    So she was walking through the forest when she came across the three little pigs. One of them ran out of the brick house and said, ‘You shouldn’t be out tonight Little Red Riding Hood! The big bad wolf’s out and you know what he’ll do if he catches you. He’ll lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off.’

    So she pulled out the shotgun and said: ‘Don’t worry boys. Got it covered!’

    As she continued through the forest she came across the big bad wolf and he said: ‘You shouldn’t have come out tonight Little Red Riding Hood because you know what I’m going to do. I’m going to lift up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and screw your little red socks off.’

    So she lifted up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, lay down on her back with her legs apart, pointed the shotgun at him and said, ‘No. You’re going to eat me like the book says.’

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  • Dick’s Burnout: Thirty Times Left

    A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times… He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, “Sorry, but you’ve overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won’t be able to make love more than 30 times!”

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    The man walks home (deeply depressed, of course); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him.

    She says: “Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!”

    He replies, “Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry your name is not on it!”

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  • Where I Draw the Line

    I do a lot of illegal things…

    But graffiti is where I draw the line.

  • John’s Terrible Choice at the Farmer’s Market

    A truck driver named John was in court after a horrific accident where he drove his truck through a crowded farmer’s market, claiming fifty lives.

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    The courtroom was silent as the prosecutor approached the stand, looking John dead in the eye.

    The prosecutor said, “John, we have the tire tracks. We have the witness testimony. You were driving down a straight road. To your left, there was a lone man fixing a flat tire. To your right, there was a crowded market with fifty people. You steered directly into the crowd. How do you explain yourself?”

    Wiping his brow and looking distressed, John replied, “It was a nightmare, sir. I was coming down the hill when my brakes completely gave out. I was flying! I had a split second to make a choice.”

    The prosecutor asked, “And you chose to hit fifty people instead of one man?”

    John exclaimed, “No! Of course not! I’m not a monster. I aimed for that one guy!”

    The prosecutor, now even more confused, shouted, “Then how did you end up plowing through the entire market and killing fifty people?”

    John sighed heavily and answered, “Well, just as I was about to hit him… the jerk started running toward the crowd!”

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  • Johnny’s Surgery Gets Out of Hand

    “Doctors and Nurses”

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    A woman brings ten-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors and nurses with Mary, her ten-year-old daughter.

    Johnny’s mother says, “Let’s not be too harsh on them… they are bound to be curious about sex at that age.”

    “Never mind sex” replies Mary’s mother. “He’s taken her fucking appendix out!”

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  • Blonde’s Risky Bridge Bet Backfires Hilariously

    A blonde was at the bar watching the 6:00 news when a guy was about to jump off a bridge. A guy saw her and said I’ll bet you $100 he jumps. She takes the bet. He jumps and the guy said I can’t take your money I saw it on the 5:00 news.

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    She hands him the $100 and says so did I, but I didn’t think he was going to do it again!

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  • Quiet Night Interrupted by Unexpected Audience

    This guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is about 9 years old. One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his gal climb up to the top bunk.

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    As you might expect things start to heat up. The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper, “lettuce” if she wants it harder and “tomato” if she wants a new position. “Lettuce, tomato, lettuce, tomato, lettuce, pull it out,”

    She screams out…”I can’t get pregnant…aaahhhhhhhh”!

    Then the little brother chimes in, “Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there, you’re getting mayonnaise all over my face.”

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  • Bubba’s Unexpected Advantage

    A middle aged guy, tired of mowing the lawn, finally breaks down and hires a neighbourhood kid to do the job for him.

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    One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from around the neighbourhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and proceeds to pee in the toilet.

    Bubba was rather well endowed and curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!!

    The man asked Bubba, “I don’t mean to be too personal, but how did your dick get that big? I couldn’t help but notice…”

    Bubba laughed and said, “It’s simple, every night before I go to bed, I bang it on the bedpost three times.”

    The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly wait to try it himself. Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it out and banged it on the bedpost three times.

    He was just climbing into bed with newfound confidence when his wife sat up, half-asleep and rubbing her eyes, and said, “Is that you, Bubba?”

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