Dark humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
My friend asked me to say a few words at his wife’s funeral, so I stepped up to the podium, cleared my throat, and said, “Curvy, shapely, voluptuous, generously proportioned, full-figured…”
He stopped me and said, “Dude, what are you saying??”
I replied, “Sorry… it was just a figure of speech.”
A man is having a terrible day. He’s broke and needs to get his mind off things. He goes to a brothel, hoping to clear his mind. Beautiful women are lined up waiting for his choice.
He talks to the madame and says, “I only have $10 to my name. Is there anyone who will fuck me?”
The madame talks with some of the girls and heads to the back room. She comes back a while later.
She tells him only one prostitute will sleep with him: Sandpaper Sally. She’s at the end of the hall.
Nervously, he walks down the hall and enters the room. A woman who isn’t the worst-looking greets him. After warming him up a bit, she begins to fuck him. Her name held true. The man was so uncomfortable while fucking that he had to stop.
He said, “I can’t do this. It’s too painful.”
Sally says, “Hang on, I’ll be right back.” She leaves for the bathroom.
The man is trying to recover. Sally comes back a little while later, and they go at it again. This time it was AMAZING. It was wet and soft. He came, and it was one of the best orgasms he has ever had.
Astonished, he looks at Sandpaper Sally and asks, “What did you do in the bathroom?”
She gives a small smile and says, “I picked off all of the scabs.”
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes out and screws all 150 of the farmer’s hens.
The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore—he is worried.
The next morning, not only is the rooster screwing the hens, but he is screwing the turkeys, ducks, and even the cow.
Later, the farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead, and vultures circling overhead.
The farmer runs out, looks down at the young rooster’s limp body, and says, “You deserved it, you horny bastard!”
The young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, “Shhhh! They are about to land.”
A woman is in the hospital in a coma, hooked up to all the monitors. One day, while the nurse was cleaning the wife, she noticed a blip of brain activity as she washed her nether region. The nurse scrambled to grab the doctor to show him.
The doctor ran the sponge over again: another blip. He was a little more vigorous, and a stronger series of blips appeared, but nothing brought back consciousness.
The doctor rushed out, called the husband, and told him to rush over to the hospital. When the husband arrived, the doctor let him know there was some brain activity and said it might be a weird request, but oral may bring his wife back.
The husband was flabbergasted, but after being reassured no one would interrupt, he went in and shut the blinds.
The doctors and nurses gathered around the nurses’ station when, suddenly, alarm bells started going off. The doctor and nurse ran in to help and saw the husband sitting beside her.
Doctor: “What happened?”
Husband: “I think she choked.”
Three nuns were sitting on a bench in the park when a man ran up and flashed them.
Two of the nuns had a stroke. The third couldn’t reach.
Two nuns are riding their bicycles through the village when suddenly a vampire jumps out from behind a bush.
The first nun screams to her friend, “Quick, show it your cross!”
“Get the fuck out of the way!” she yells.
So there are these three pregnant women in the OB-GYN’s waiting room: a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde, all knitting baby sweaters.
So they knit and they knit and they knit. Then the redhead pops a pill. The other two gasp.
“It’s OK,” the redhead says. “This is just calcium. I want my baby to have strong bones.”
So they knit and they knit and they knit. Then the brunette pops a pill. The other two gasp.
“It’s OK,” the brunette says. “This is just vitamin C. I want my baby to have a strong immune system.”
So they knit and they knit and they knit. Then the blonde pops a pill. The other two gasp.
“It’s OK,” the blonde says. “This is just thalidomide. I can’t get the arms on this sweater right.”
A morgue worker died today.
But he’ll be back at work tomorrow.
How do terrorists feed their children?
“Here comes the airplane.”
“Here comes the second one.”
What’s the difference between a rectal thermometer and a regular thermometer?
The taste.
