Tone: ironic

Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Ex-Wife Tom Never Had

    After a long courtship, Tom finally marries his longtime girlfriend. One day after the honeymoon, Tom is in the garage cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

    His wife comes out, watches Tom work for a few minutes, and says, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.”

    Tom gets this absolutely horrified look on his face, and his wife says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”

    Tom says, “I’m sorry. For a second there, you sounded exactly like my ex-wife.”

    “Ex-wife!” she screams. “You never told me you were married before!”

    And Tom says, “I wasn’t.”

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  • Next Door Neighbor

    My next-door neighbor came over wearing a see-through negligee. Asked to borrow a cup of sugar.

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    Then winked at me and asked to come in for some hot coffee.

    I said, “Fuck off, Dave.”

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  • Little Johnny and the Word Fascinate

    The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

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    Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”

    The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating.’”

    Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

    The teacher said, “Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’”

    Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by him before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

    Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

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  • The Blonde and the Bet on the News

    Jack walked into a sports bar late one evening and sat down next to a blonde woman watching the news.

    The report was about a man standing on the edge of a tall building, about to jump.

    The woman asked, “Do you think he’s going to jump?”

    Jack replied, “I’m sure he will.”

    “I’m sure he won’t,” she said.

    Jack put down $30 and said, “You’re on.”

    Just as she placed her money down, the man jumped and fell to his death.

    The woman, upset, handed Jack her $30.

    “Fair’s fair… here’s your money.”

    Jack said, “I can’t take this. I saw the 5pm news earlier and I already knew he was going to jump.”

    The blonde woman replied, “I saw it too. I just didn’t think he’d do it again.”

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  • Three Men Shopping for Christmas Presents

    Three men in the city shopping for wives’ Christmas presents.

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    They agree on two presents each and to meet in the bar after a couple of hours so they can compare their haul. Later in the bar they get their gifts out…

    First man: “I got my wife a necklace and a scarf, so if she doesn’t like the necklace, she can wear the scarf over it.”

    Second man: “I got my wife a wrist watch and some long gloves, so if she doesn’t like the watch she can pull a glove over it.”

    Third man: “I got my wife some perfume and a dildo, so if she doesn’t like the perfume she can go fuck herself.”

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  • The Nudist Colony and the Dropped Cigar

    There’s an old man who is considering joining a nudist colony, so he goes there to find out what it’s like. The person at the front desk tells him he is welcome to try it out before he joins. He takes his clothes off and goes for a walk. After a while he takes a seat on a bench, sees a very attractive woman go by, and gets an erection. She notices and stops and gives him one of the best blow jobs he’s ever had. He immediately goes back to the front desk and signs up.

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    Later on he’s walking along smoking a cigar, and he drops it. He bends over to pick it up and a man comes up behind him and has his way with him. The old man goes back to the front desk and demands his money back. When asked why he says, “I get an erection maybe every three or four months, but I drop my cigar half a dozen times a day.”

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  • A Blonde and Her BMW

    A blonde pulls her BMW into the parking lot of a mechanic’s shop because it was making some racket.

    The mechanic pops open the hood and tinkers around a bit.

    Blonde: “Well, what’s wrong with it?”

    Mechanic: “Ah, just crap in the engine.”

    Blonde: “How often do I have to do that?”

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  • The Scones for the Funeral

    An elderly gentleman is lying on his deathbed in his home, surrounded by his family.

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    Suddenly, he opens his eyes, sniffs the air, and smiles weakly.

    “Ah…” he whispers. “Is that my wife baking her famous warm, fresh scones?”

    His grandson nods softly.

    “Yes, Grandfather. She is in the kitchen right now.”

    The old man uses every ounce of his remaining strength to crawl out of bed, shuffle slowly down the stairs, and make his way into the kitchen.

    He reaches his trembling hand toward a beautifully golden scone cooling on the counter.

    Suddenly, his wife smacks his hand away with a wooden spoon.

    “Don’t touch those,” she says sharply. “They’re for the funeral.”

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  • The Deaf Mute Parents

    A young man, out on the tiles with his mates, spies the girl of his dreams across a dance floor. Having admired her from afar, he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.

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    Saturday night, the young man arrives at her house with a bunch of flowers and a box of chocolates. To his surprise, she answers the door in nothing but a towel. “I’m sorry,” she exclaims, “I’m running a bit late. Please come in and I’ll introduce you to my parents who will entertain you while I finish dressing. I should warn you though, they are both deaf mutes.” With this, she ushers him into the living room, introduces him to her parents and promptly disappears.

    As you can imagine, this is a little uncomfortable as both of the parents are completely silent. Dad is sitting in his armchair watching football on TV and Mum is busy knitting.

    After about 10 minutes of complete silence, Mum jumps from her chair, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her knickers and pours a glass of water over her backside. Just as sudden, Dad launches himself across the room, bends her over the couch and takes her from behind. He then sits back in his chair and balances a match stick in front of his eye.

    The room is plunged back into eerie silence and the young man is shocked into disbelief. After a further ten minutes, the daughter returns fully dressed and ready for the evening. The date is a complete disaster. The young man is totally pre-occupied by the antics of the young lady’s parents.

    At the end of the date, sensing something is seriously wrong, the young lady asks the young guy, “What’s the matter? What have I done wrong?”

    “No, it’s not you,” he replied, “It’s just that the strangest thing happened whilst I was waiting for you and I’m still shocked. Well, first your mother jumps from her chair, lifts up her skirt, pulls down her panties and throws a glass of water over her behind. Then, as if that wasn’t enough, your father races from his chair, leans her over the couch and does her from behind. He then sits back and places a match stick by his eye.”

    “Oh, is that all?” replies the girl.

    The man can’t believe her casual response.

    “Mum was simply saying, ‘Are you going to get this asshole a drink?’ And Dad was replying, ‘No, fuck him, I’m watching the match.’”

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  • Her Mum Died Too

    A blonde goes to work in tears.

    Her boss asks, “What’s wrong?”
    She says, “My mum died.” He told her to go home, but she said, “No, I’ll be fine.”

    Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, “What’s wrong?” She replies, “I just talked to my sister, and her mum died, too!”

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