Bob and his wife started dieting a week ago.
Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
Unleash ChaosTone: ironic
Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Fifteen-Dollar Porsche
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream at him…
“Where did you get that car?”
He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”
“With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”
“Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”
The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.
“It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”
“Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother. “She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”
So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.
“Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!
Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that’s exactly what I did.”
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The Smuggler at the Border
At the border, a man rides up on a bicycle with a sack on the luggage rack.
The customs officer stops him and asks, “Do you have anything to declare?”
“Nothing,” the man replies.
“And what’s in the sack?”
“Sand.”
The officer inspects the sack. Sure enough, nothing but sand.
The next day, the man returns on the bicycle with another sack of sand.
Again, the officer checks it. Nothing but sand.
This goes on every day for a week.
By the eighth day, the officer has become increasingly suspicious. He sifts the sand. Nothing.
The man continues crossing the border every day. After two more weeks, the officer finally sends the sand off to a laboratory for analysis.
The results come back: nothing but sand.
Another month passes. By now, the customs officer is losing his mind.
Finally, he pulls the man aside and says, “Listen… off the record, between you and me, I promise I won’t tell a soul. But you have to tell me what you’re smuggling.”
The man looks around carefully, leans in, and whispers:
“Bicycles.”
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The German at McDonald’s
A German man walks into a McDonald’s in the United States…
After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonald’s in Germany.
An American customer overhears the man’s order, and he approaches the German man and says, “How could you be so stupid? You cannot order beer here.” while laughing at the German man right to his face.
The German man thinks for a second and then he starts laughing uncontrollably. Not just any laugh. This is a laugh so intense that he is struggling not to fall over.
The American customer is no longer laughing. He now has a puzzled look on his face. He asks the German man, “What’s so funny?”
The German man says, “I just realised that you came here for the food.”
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The Teen and the Exam Excuse
A smart-mouthed teen at the back of the class raised his hand and asked…
“Miss, what would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class broke out in laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said… “Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand.”
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Tom and the Alaskan Party
After 25 years in the liquor business, Tom quits, buys 50 acres in remote Alaska, and lives in total peace with no visitors for six months.
One day, there’s a knock. A huge, bearded man says, “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from 40 miles up the road. Having a party Friday at 5. You should come.”
“Sounds great,” says Tom.
Lars starts to leave, then adds, “Gonna be some drinkin’.”
“No problem—I can handle that.”
“Probably some fightin’, too.”
“I get along with folks—I’ll be fine.”
“Maybe some wild sex, too.”
“Even better!” Tom grins. “What should I wear?”
Lars shrugs. “Don’t matter… just gonna be the two of us.”
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Marge and Mildred at the Wheel
After sharing a bottle of wine, Marge and Diane were driving home. Both short, they could barely see over the dashboard.
Soon, they came to an intersection. The light was red, but they drove straight through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing it. I could’ve sworn that was a red light.”
A minute later, another red light—and they drove through it. At the next red light, they drove right through again!
She turned to her friend and said, “Mildred, did you know we just ran three red lights?! You could have killed us!”
Mildred looked over and said, “Oh geez… am I driving?”
