What’s the difference between a mistress, a hooker, and a wife?
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Unleash ChaosTone: ironic
Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Safari and the Mother-in-Law
Ben went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law.
One night, deep in the jungle, his wife woke up and discovered her mother was missing.
Panicked, she woke Ben and insisted they go look for her.
Ben grabbed his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and headed into the jungle.
Not far from camp, they came upon a clearing and a chilling sight.
The mother-in-law was backed up against a dense bush, while a large male lion stood facing her.
“What are we going to do?” his wife whispered.
“Nothing,” said Ben. “The lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out of it.”
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How Many Bars Do You Work At
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, “I can’t serve you, you’ve had too much already.”
The man sighs, leaves through the front door, walks around the corner, and enters through the side door. He sits down and orders a drink. The bartender looks at him and says, “Look, buddy, I told you five minutes ago I can’t serve you.”
The man leaves again, walks around the block, and comes in through the back door. He approaches the bar, looks the bartender dead in the eye, and asks for a drink.
The bartender slams his hand on the counter and yells, “I told you, you’re cut off! Get out!”
The man looks at him in utter disbelief and says, “My god, man, just how many bars do you work at?!”
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The 30th Anniversary Dinner
A husband and wife are celebrating their 30th anniversary at a quiet romantic restaurant when a beautiful young woman walks up to their table, kisses the husband deeply on the lips, and says, “See you tomorrow, babe,” before strolling out.
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The Ex-Wife Tom Never Had
After a long courtship, Tom finally marries his longtime girlfriend. One day after the honeymoon, Tom is in the garage cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.
His wife comes out, watches Tom work for a few minutes, and says, “Honey, I’ve just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it’s time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars.”
Tom gets this absolutely horrified look on his face, and his wife says, “Darling, what’s wrong?”
Tom says, “I’m sorry. For a second there, you sounded exactly like my ex-wife.”
“Ex-wife!” she screams. “You never told me you were married before!”
And Tom says, “I wasn’t.”
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The Blonde and the Bet on the News
Jack walked into a sports bar late one evening and sat down next to a blonde woman watching the news.
The report was about a man standing on the edge of a tall building, about to jump.
The woman asked, “Do you think he’s going to jump?”
Jack replied, “I’m sure he will.”
“I’m sure he won’t,” she said.
Jack put down $30 and said, “You’re on.”
Just as she placed her money down, the man jumped and fell to his death.
The woman, upset, handed Jack her $30.
“Fair’s fair… here’s your money.”
Jack said, “I can’t take this. I saw the 5pm news earlier and I already knew he was going to jump.”
The blonde woman replied, “I saw it too. I just didn’t think he’d do it again.”
