Tone: ironic

Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Hospital Visit and the Mother-in-Law

    A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition…

    On the way back the wife, very worried, asks, “So, honey? How’s my mum doing?”

    He replies, “She looks great! She is in good health! She will still live for many years! Next week she will be released from the hospital and will come and live with us, forever!”

    “Wow that’s amazing!” says the wife. “But this is very strange, dear… yesterday she seemed to be on her deathbed, the doctors said she should have a few days to live!”

    “Well, I don’t know how she was yesterday,” he replied. “But today when I arrived at the hospital, the doctor told me that we should prepare for the worst.”

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  • Polish Sausage at Home Depot

    A customer asked, “In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?”

    The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?”

    The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

    Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

    Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?

    Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

    Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”

    The clerk says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”

    The guy says, “Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Polish?”

    The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”

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  • The Anniversary Gift in the Driveway

    A wife was furious because her husband forgot their wedding anniversary.

    She crossed her arms and yelled, “Tomorrow morning, I want something in the driveway that goes from 0 to 100 in under five seconds!”

    The husband said nothing.

    The next morning, the wife walked outside and found a small wrapped box sitting in the driveway.

    Confused, she opened it.

    Inside was a brand-new bathroom scale.

    According to hospital staff, the husband is expected to make a full recovery.

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  • Had To Order Pizza Someone Didnt Feel Like Cooking

    Had To Order Pizza Someone Didnt Feel Like Cooking

  • The Talking Dog on the Porch

    A traveling salesman breaks down on a country road.

    He goes to the only farmhouse he can see. As he’s approaching the porch, a dog sits up and says, “Good afternoon, how are you?”

    “Oh my, you can talk!”

    “Yeah, I discovered that I could talk when I was a puppy. The government found out about me and trained me to spy for them. Who would think the dog in the room was listening and reporting back what was said? I traveled the world several times over, sometimes helping to stop a war, and sometimes to start one. It was all very exciting but I finally decided to settle down here at this farmhouse and spend my remaining days on this peaceful porch.”

    “Wow, that’s amazing!”

    The salesman knocks on the door and asks the farmer if he’s interested in selling the dog.

    “Sure, I’ll take 10 bucks for him.”

    “Why so little, you do know he can talk?”

    “Yeah, I know, but he’s a liar. He’s never been off this porch!”

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  • Wile E Coyote Brilliant Paintings Of Tunnels

    Wile E Coyote Brilliant Paintings Of Tunnels

  • Cinderella and the Pumpkin Diaphragm

    Once upon a time Cinderella was getting ready to go out on a date with Prince Charming. She approaches her Fairy Godmother and asks for some birth control.

    “Absolutely not!” says her Fairy Godmother.

    “Fine,” says Cinderella. “But just remember this when there are a bunch of little princes running around.”

    So her Fairy Godmother thinks about it and relents. “Okay,” she says, “I’ve turned this pumpkin into a diaphragm. However, you’d better be back before midnight, because that’s when it will turn back into a pumpkin.”

    So Cinderella goes out, and her Fairy Godmother is waiting for Cinderella to return. It’s midnight, then 1:00, then 2:00.

    Finally Cinderella comes staggering in at 2:30, a dreamy look in her eyes.

    “Where have you been?” demands her Fairy Godmother.

    “Out,” says Cinderella.

    “Didn’t that diaphragm turn back into a pumpkin at midnight?”

    “Yes.”

    “Well… what happened?” asks her Fairy Godmother.

    And Cinderella says, “I met the nicest guy… named Peter Peter.”

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  • The Lawyer’s Billable Hours

    A lawyer goes to heaven.

    St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates. The lawyer is impressed, but asks, “Are you sure it is my time? I’m not that old?”

    St. Peter says, “What do you mean? You’re 86 years old.”

    The lawyer says, “No I’m not… I’m only 58. Why do you think I’m that old!”

    St. Peter says, “Well, we just added up all of the hours you’ve billed to your clients.”

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  • The Medicare Motel

    Old Man: “Doc, we’d like you to watch us… you know… and let us know if we’re doing it right.”

    The doctor was puzzled but agreed. When they finished, the doctor was impressed. “Everything looks perfectly fine—in fact, very impressive for people your age!” He charged them a $50 consultation fee.

    This went on for months. They’d routinely book an appointment, do their thing, pay the doctor, and leave.

    Finally, unable to hold back his curiosity, the doctor asked, “Exactly what kind of sexual dysfunction are you two trying to consult me about?”

    The old man smiled widely and replied: “Oh, we don’t have any issues, Doc. She’s married, so we can’t go to her house. I’m married, so we can’t go to mine. A three-star hotel costs $90, a five-star is $120… but here it’s only $50, and I get $43 of it back from Medicare!”

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  • She’s Left-Handed

    A wife asks her husband, a true golf nut, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”

    He ponders for a moment, then says, “After a proper grieving period, yes, I suppose I would. Companionship is a good thing.”

    “If I died and you remarried,” the wife next asks, “would she then live in this house?”

    He pauses to collect his thoughts, and then says, “Well, we’ve spent a lot of time and money getting this house to our exact liking. So yes, I think she would.”

    “If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house,” the wife continues, “would she also sleep in our bed?”

    Not exactly sure where his wife is going with all of this, he offers, “Well, the bed is nearly new and should last for many more years. Yes, I’m sure she would.”

    “If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house and slept in our bed,” the wife probes further, “would she use my golf clubs?”

    “Oh, no,” the husband replies, far too quickly. “She’s left-handed.”

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