A Chinese immigrant couple just got married.
On their wedding night, the groom decided to ask his bride what she wanted to do first.
She thought about it, then excitedly said, “69! I wanna try 69!”
Groom: “You want chicken with broccoli?”
Tone: ironic
Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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What Would Tiger Do
A couple were on their honeymoon.
Lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband:
“I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.”
The husband replies, “That’s no big thing in this day and age.”
The wife continues, “Yeah, I’ve been with one other guy.”
“Oh yeah? Who was the guy?”
“Tiger Woods.”
“Tiger Woods, the golfer?”
“Yeah.”
“Well he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.”
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they get done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
“What are you doing?” says the wife.
The husband says, “I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.”
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love with his wife a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone.
“What are you doing?” she says.
The husband says, “I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get some food.”
“Tiger wouldn’t do that.”
“Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?”
“He’d come back to bed and do it one more time.”
The guy slams down the phone and goes back to bed and makes love to his wife one more time.
When they finish he’s tired and beat.
He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, “Are you calling room service?”
“No! I’m calling Tiger Woods to find out what’s par for this hole.”
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The Ghost Car on a Dark Rainy Night
Bill was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a fierce rain storm.
The night was rolling on, and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few meters ahead of him.
Suddenly through the swirling rain Bill saw a car slowly coming towards him and as it drew level with him, it stopped.
Desperate for shelter and without really thinking about what he was doing, Bill got into the back seat of the car and closed the door.
That was when he realized there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t even on.
Mysteriously and soundlessly, the car started moving slowly forward. Bill looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Now he was scared, and he began to fear for his life.
But just before he reached the curve, a ghostly hand appeared through the window of the car, and turned the steering wheel.
Bill, paralyzed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve.
When he saw the lights of a pub down the road, Bill gathered all his courage and strength, jumped out of the car and ran to the pub.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of whiskey. Shaking and half crying, he began telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just been through.
A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he wasn’t drunk but was for real.
About 10 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet, and were out of breath.
Looking around and seeing Bill sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, “Hey Bruce… that’s the idiot who got in the car while we were pushing it.”
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Confessions After the Ceremony
A man and a woman meet in a bar, fall madly in love, and decide to get married a week later.
After the ceremony, the man looks to his new bride, and says, “I have a confession to make. I am completely obsessed with golf. I eat, sleep, and breathe the game, it’s my obsession, and I hope you won’t hate me for it.”
The woman looks at her new husband and says, “Honey, I could never hate you. But, I also have a confession to make. I’m a hooker, and hope you won’t hate me for it, either.”
The man gets a rather tortured look on his face, rubs his chin, and after a few long moments says, “Ok, well, show me your stance.”
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Watching Football With My Son-In-Law
As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a “toy.”
Shocked, she asked, “What in the world are you doing?”
The daughter replied, “Mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”
The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter with her “toy.”
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said, “Dad, I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.”
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The “toy” was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked, “What the hell are you doing?”
The husband replied, “I’m watching football with my son-in-law.”
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A Quiet Night in the Parking Spot
A cop was patrolling at night in a well known area for “parking.” He saw a couple in a car, with the interior light on. He got closer to the car and saw a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walked over to the car and knocked on the window.
“Yes, officer?”
“What are you doing?”
“Well, isn’t it obvious? I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing to the young woman, the cop asked, “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugged, “I believe she’s knitting a pullover.”
The cop was totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing obscene is happening!
“What’s your age, young man?”
“I’m 22, sir.”
“And her, what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and said, “She’ll be 18 in 20 minutes.”
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Sherlock Holmes and the Stolen Tent
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip in the American countryside. After a hearty meal and a bottle of wine, they settled in for the night.
A few hours later, Holmes woke up and nudged his friend, “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson gazed upward and said, “I see millions of stars.”
Holmes asked, “And what does that tell you?”
Watson thought for a moment and said, “Astronomically, it tells me there are countless galaxies and planets. Astrologically, I observe Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, I’d say it’s about a quarter past three. Theologically, it shows that God is all-powerful and we are small. And weather-wise, I’d expect a beautiful day tomorrow.”
Holmes paused briefly, then shook his head.
“Watson, you fool… it means that someone has stolen our tent.”
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The Man at the Door With a Bloodied Towel
A woman answered the doorbell and a man was standing there with something wrapped in a bloodied towel.
The man said, “I’m terribly sorry. I just ran over your cat.”
The woman burst into tears.
The man tried to comfort her by saying, “I’d like to replace it.”
The woman wiped her eyes and said, “Really? How are you at catching mice?”
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Id Like to Be Eight Again
A man was sitting on the side of the bed watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked her what she would like as a gift.
“I’d like to be eight again,” she said, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a bowl of Frosted Flakes, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park… the death slide, the wall of fear, the screaming roller coaster… just to name a few.
Five hours later, they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling, and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate milkshake.
Then it was off to a movie with popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s! What a fabulous adventure!
Finally, she wobbled home with her husband and fell into bed, exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile, “What was it like to be eight again?”
She opened her eyes, and her expression suddenly changed.
“I meant my dress size, you idiot!”
Moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s going to get it wrong.
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The Siberian Coal Miner and the Wheelbarrow
Back in Soviet Russia there was a man working in a Siberian coal mine.
Every Friday he would take a wheelbarrow full of dirt home and the security guard would stop him, make him dump out the dirt and sift through it searching for coal or other stolen valuables.
The security guard never found anything so he’d let the man reload the dirt and go home.
This went on for 25 years until the man was finally allowed to retire.
On his last day the security guard said, “I know you’ve been smuggling something out of here all of these years. Please, just tell me what it was.”
The man replied with a sly wink, “Wheelbarrows.”
