Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
After 25 years in the liquor business, Tom quits, buys 50 acres in remote Alaska, and lives in total peace with no visitors for six months.
One day, there’s a knock. A huge, bearded man says, “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from 40 miles up the road. Having a party Friday at 5. You should come.”
“Sounds great,” says Tom.
Lars starts to leave, then adds, “Gonna be some drinkin’.”
“No problem—I can handle that.”
“Probably some fightin’, too.”
“I get along with folks—I’ll be fine.”
“Maybe some wild sex, too.”
“Even better!” Tom grins. “What should I wear?”
Lars shrugs. “Don’t matter… just gonna be the two of us.”
After sharing a bottle of wine, Marge and Diane were driving home. Both short, they could barely see over the dashboard.
Soon, they came to an intersection. The light was red, but they drove straight through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing it. I could’ve sworn that was a red light.”
A minute later, another red light—and they drove through it. At the next red light, they drove right through again!
She turned to her friend and said, “Mildred, did you know we just ran three red lights?! You could have killed us!”
Mildred looked over and said, “Oh geez… am I driving?”
A priest is sent to deepest Africa to convert the natives.
He clears out an area for his camp and builds a hut of sticks for shelter. His only entertainment is the Bible and his violin. Before he retires for the night he builds a fire and sits down near it and plays his violin.
Shortly afterwards he notices that a few animals begin to surround his camp and seem to enjoy the music. As time goes by he builds a large audience of critters every evening.
One night an old lion walks into the clearing and looks around slowly. When he notices the priest he leaps on him and quickly devours the poor clergyman.
A hyena rushes up to the lion and asks him, “Why did you do that, all of us loved his music, we listened every night and it relaxed us so much. Now he is gone. Why? Why?”
The lion cocked his head toward the hyena, put his paw behind his ear and hollered, “WHAT?”
Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.
“Not yet,” says Little Johnny.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. He’s a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.
Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”
After God created Adam, Adam came to God and said, “You created all the animals and each one has a mate, but I’m alone. Can you create me one also?”
God replied, “Well Adam, I can create a mate for you. It will be the crown of my creation, someone who will serve you, and your every need and desire. The most beautiful and loving creature. She will take care of you always, and give you all the respect that is deserving of you. The only thing is, it will cost you an arm and a leg.”
Adam thought for a second and said, “That’s a bit steep, what can I get for a rib?”
Sally, Billy Ray’s wife, pregnant with her first child, was at her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she said, “My husband wants me to ask you…”
“I know, I know,” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it at all,” Sally answered. “Billy Ray wants to know if I can still mow the yard.”
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized…
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.
The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!”
The foreman on a large worksite noticed a new labourer one day and barked at him, “What’s your name?”
“John,” the new bloke replied.
The foreman scowled. “Look, I don’t know what kind of wishy-washy worksite you were on before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It’s weak and wastes time. I call my employees by their last name only — Smith, Jones, Baker, that’s all. If I want a job done, I yell, ‘Baker, get this’ or ‘Jones, do that.’ Now that we have that straight, what’s your last name?”
The new bloke sighed. “Darling. My name is John Darling.”
The foreman paused briefly for a couple of seconds, then said quietly… “Ok John, the first thing I want you to do is…!”
