Tone: ironic

Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Four Seniors and the Christmas Golf Game

    Four seniors were playing their weekly game of golf when one remarked how great it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed, go directly to the golf course, and play eighteen holes together.

    The others chimed in and said, “Let’s do this! We’ll make it a priority — and each of us must figure out a way to meet here early Christmas morning!”

    Several months later, it’s Christmas morning, and each man is at the golf course as promised, ready to play golf just as they’d discussed.

    The first guy says, “Boy, this round has cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife a diamond ring that she really wanted.”

    The second guy remarks, “I spent a ton of money too. My wife is at home with travel brochures all over the place, planning a cruise I had to give her.”

    The third guy says, “Well, my wife is at home admiring the new car I agreed to buy for her.”

    They all turned to the fourth guy, who was staring at them and shaking his head as if they’d all lost their minds.

    He said, “I can’t believe you guys spent so much. Let me tell you what I did. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Merry Christmas, babe! It looks like a great morning, so it’s either gonna be the golf course or intercourse?’”

    And she said, “You’ll need a sweater, and don’t forget your hat!”

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  • The Cabbie and the Preacher at the Pearly Gates

    A cab driver dies and reaches the Pearly Gates.

    St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.

    Next in line is a preacher.

    St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow, and says, “OK, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”

    The preacher is shocked.

    “But I am a man of the cloth! You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!”

    St. Peter responds matter-of-factly:

    “This is Heaven, and up here we’re interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed.”

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  • Asked My Man To Bring Me Pads With Wings

    Asked My Man To Bring Me Pads With Wings

  • Bob and the Cheat Day

    Bob and his wife started dieting a week ago.

    Yesterday, his wife suggested they have a cheat day.

    She came home with pizza and McDonald’s French fries.

    Bob came home with his secretary.

    Visiting hours for Bob are between 9:00am and 2:00pm at Jackson Memorial Hospital.

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  • Dont Like Me Calling You At Work

    Dont Like Me Calling You At Work

  • The Fifteen-Dollar Porsche

    A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream at him…

    “Where did you get that car?”

    He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

    “With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

    “Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

    The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.

    “It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

    “Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother. “She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

    So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

    “Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!

    Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that’s exactly what I did.”

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  • The Husband Who Cried the Most

    A bus full of housewives on a picnic trip tragically veered off a bridge and fell into a river. All the wives passed away…

    Each husband cried for a week, except for one, who kept crying for more than two weeks!

    When asked why he was so devastated, he replied miserably: “My wife missed the bus!”

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  • The Smuggler at the Border

    At the border, a man rides up on a bicycle with a sack on the luggage rack.

    The customs officer stops him and asks, “Do you have anything to declare?”

    “Nothing,” the man replies.

    “And what’s in the sack?”

    “Sand.”

    The officer inspects the sack. Sure enough, nothing but sand.

    The next day, the man returns on the bicycle with another sack of sand.

    Again, the officer checks it. Nothing but sand.

    This goes on every day for a week.

    By the eighth day, the officer has become increasingly suspicious. He sifts the sand. Nothing.

    The man continues crossing the border every day. After two more weeks, the officer finally sends the sand off to a laboratory for analysis.

    The results come back: nothing but sand.

    Another month passes. By now, the customs officer is losing his mind.

    Finally, he pulls the man aside and says, “Listen… off the record, between you and me, I promise I won’t tell a soul. But you have to tell me what you’re smuggling.”

    The man looks around carefully, leans in, and whispers:

    “Bicycles.”

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  • The German at McDonald’s

    A German man walks into a McDonald’s in the United States…

    After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonald’s in Germany.

    An American customer overhears the man’s order, and he approaches the German man and says, “How could you be so stupid? You cannot order beer here.” while laughing at the German man right to his face.

    The German man thinks for a second and then he starts laughing uncontrollably. Not just any laugh. This is a laugh so intense that he is struggling not to fall over.

    The American customer is no longer laughing. He now has a puzzled look on his face. He asks the German man, “What’s so funny?”

    The German man says, “I just realised that you came here for the food.”

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  • The Teen and the Exam Excuse

    A smart-mouthed teen at the back of the class raised his hand and asked…

    “Miss, what would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

    The entire class broke out in laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said… “Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand.”

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