Tone: ironic

Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Fifteen-Dollar Porsche

    A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream at him…

    “Where did you get that car?”

    He calmly told them, “I bought it today.”

    “With what money!?” demanded his parents. “We know what a Porsche costs.”

    “Well,” said the boy, “this one cost me fifteen dollars.”

    The parents began to yell even louder. “Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?” they asked.

    “It was the lady up the street,” said the boy. “Don’t know her name — they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars.”

    “Oh my goodness!” moaned the mother. “She must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what’s going on.”

    So the boy’s father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

    “Well,” she said, “this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there!

    Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that’s exactly what I did.”

  • The Husband Who Cried the Most

    A bus full of housewives on a picnic trip tragically veered off a bridge and fell into a river. All the wives passed away…

    Each husband cried for a week, except for one, who kept crying for more than two weeks!

    When asked why he was so devastated, he replied miserably: “My wife missed the bus!”

  • The Smuggler at the Border

    At the border, a man rides up on a bicycle with a sack on the luggage rack.

    The customs officer stops him and asks, “Do you have anything to declare?”

    “Nothing,” the man replies.

    “And what’s in the sack?”

    “Sand.”

    The officer inspects the sack. Sure enough, nothing but sand.

    The next day, the man returns on the bicycle with another sack of sand.

    Again, the officer checks it. Nothing but sand.

    This goes on every day for a week.

    By the eighth day, the officer has become increasingly suspicious. He sifts the sand. Nothing.

    The man continues crossing the border every day. After two more weeks, the officer finally sends the sand off to a laboratory for analysis.

    The results come back: nothing but sand.

    Another month passes. By now, the customs officer is losing his mind.

    Finally, he pulls the man aside and says, “Listen… off the record, between you and me, I promise I won’t tell a soul. But you have to tell me what you’re smuggling.”

    The man looks around carefully, leans in, and whispers:

    “Bicycles.”

  • The German at McDonald’s

    A German man walks into a McDonald’s in the United States…

    After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonald’s in Germany.

    An American customer overhears the man’s order, and he approaches the German man and says, “How could you be so stupid? You cannot order beer here.” while laughing at the German man right to his face.

    The German man thinks for a second and then he starts laughing uncontrollably. Not just any laugh. This is a laugh so intense that he is struggling not to fall over.

    The American customer is no longer laughing. He now has a puzzled look on his face. He asks the German man, “What’s so funny?”

    The German man says, “I just realised that you came here for the food.”

  • The Teen and the Exam Excuse

    A smart-mouthed teen at the back of the class raised his hand and asked…

    “Miss, what would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

    The entire class broke out in laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said… “Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand.”

  • Tom and the Alaskan Party

    After 25 years in the liquor business, Tom quits, buys 50 acres in remote Alaska, and lives in total peace with no visitors for six months.

    One day, there’s a knock. A huge, bearded man says, “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from 40 miles up the road. Having a party Friday at 5. You should come.”

    “Sounds great,” says Tom.

    Lars starts to leave, then adds, “Gonna be some drinkin’.”

    “No problem—I can handle that.”

    “Probably some fightin’, too.”

    “I get along with folks—I’ll be fine.”

    “Maybe some wild sex, too.”

    “Even better!” Tom grins. “What should I wear?”

    Lars shrugs. “Don’t matter… just gonna be the two of us.”

  • Marge and Mildred at the Wheel

    After sharing a bottle of wine, Marge and Diane were driving home. Both short, they could barely see over the dashboard.

    Soon, they came to an intersection. The light was red, but they drove straight through.

    The woman in the passenger seat thought, “I must be losing it. I could’ve sworn that was a red light.”

    A minute later, another red light—and they drove through it. At the next red light, they drove right through again!

    She turned to her friend and said, “Mildred, did you know we just ran three red lights?! You could have killed us!”

    Mildred looked over and said, “Oh geez… am I driving?”

  • The Priest and the Lion in Africa

    A priest is sent to deepest Africa to convert the natives.

    He clears out an area for his camp and builds a hut of sticks for shelter. His only entertainment is the Bible and his violin. Before he retires for the night he builds a fire and sits down near it and plays his violin.

    Shortly afterwards he notices that a few animals begin to surround his camp and seem to enjoy the music. As time goes by he builds a large audience of critters every evening.

    One night an old lion walks into the clearing and looks around slowly. When he notices the priest he leaps on him and quickly devours the poor clergyman.

    A hyena rushes up to the lion and asks him, “Why did you do that, all of us loved his music, we listened every night and it relaxed us so much. Now he is gone. Why? Why?”

    The lion cocked his head toward the hyena, put his paw behind his ear and hollered, “WHAT?”

  • Little Johnny and the Farm Chores

    Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he has done his chores.

    “Not yet,” says Little Johnny.

    His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. He’s a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows and kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and kicks a pig.

    He goes back in for breakfast, and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

    “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.

    “Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”

    Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

    Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”