Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A guy flies home a day early from a business trip. He takes a cab home, and then tells the cabby, “I think my wife is having an affair. I’ll give you an extra hundred bucks if you come in to be my witness.” The cabby agrees.
An elderly gentleman had suffered from serious hearing problems for years.
He finally went to a doctor and was fitted with a set of excellent hearing aids.
A month later, he returned for a checkup.
The doctor smiled and said, “Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be thrilled that you can hear again.”
The old man replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit there quietly and listen to their conversations.”
He smiled and added, “I’ve changed my will three times already.”
Albert wanted to divorce his wife, so they went to court.
Judge: “Are you sure you still want to divorce your wife?”
Albert: “Yes, Your Honor. I’m serious.”
Judge: “Don’t you regret it?”
Albert: “How could I not? Why should I keep a wife who goes out every night to cafés, bars, and clubs?”
Judge: “Does your wife drink alcohol?”
Albert: “Uh… no, sir.”
Judge: “Does she like dancing and partying?”
Albert: “Not really, sir.”
Judge: “Then what does she do every night in those places?”
Albert: “She’s looking for me, sir.”
The owner of an adult toy shop was training his new employee on the rules, how things worked, and the price list of their products.
“The only items without price tags are the dildos kept behind the cashier counter.
The white ones are $10, and the black ones are $25.
Everything else in the store already has the price marked on it.
Now, I’m heading out for a bit to take care of something important. I’ll be back in about an hour or two.”
Business went smoothly for an hour, until finally a customer asked about the items kept behind the counter.
“How much are those toys?”
“The white ones are $10, and the black ones are $25.”
“Oh, those are nice! How much is that one with the checkered pattern?”
Thinking quickly on his feet, the employee replied, “That one is $200.”
“SOLD! I’ll take it!”
An hour later, the owner returned and asked how business had been while he was gone.
“It was booming, Boss! I managed to sell five of the white ones and ten of the black ones. And I also got $200 for that checkered thermos of yours you had sitting back there!”
Vladimir Putin and his driver were on their way to Kyiv in a car when all of a sudden they hit a pig near a farmhouse, killing it instantly.
Putin told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later, Putin sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of Horilka (Ukrainian vodka) in one hand, a cigar in the other, and his clothes all disheveled.
“What happened to you?” asked Putin.
“Well, the farmer gave me the Horilka, his wife gave me a box of cigars and their 19 year old and 21 year old daughters made mad passionate love to me simultaneously.”
“My God, what did you tell them?” asks Putin.
The driver replies, “I’m president Putin’s driver, and I just killed the pig.”
