Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A young man, out on the tiles with his mates, spies the girl of his dreams across a dance floor. Having admired her from afar, he finally gets up the courage to talk to her. Everything goes better than expected and she agrees to accompany him on a date the following Saturday evening.
A blonde goes to work in tears.
Her boss asks, “What’s wrong?”
She says, “My mum died.” He told her to go home, but she said, “No, I’ll be fine.”
Later that day, her boss finds her crying again. He says, “What’s wrong?” She replies, “I just talked to my sister, and her mum died, too!”
An elderly woman walked into a bank, handed her card to the teller, and said politely, “I’d like to withdraw $10.”
The teller barely looked up and replied, “For withdrawals under $100, you’ll need to use the ATM.”
The old lady calmly asked, “Why is that?”
Clearly annoyed, the teller handed the card back and snapped, “Those are the rules, ma’am. Please step aside if there’s nothing else. There’s a line of customers waiting.”
The old lady stood quietly for a moment, then handed the card back again and said, “In that case, I’d like to withdraw all the money in my account.”
The teller smirked… until she checked the balance.
Her attitude changed immediately.
Lowering her voice, she said, “Ma’am… you have $300,000 in your account. Unfortunately, we don’t keep that much cash on hand. We can arrange an appointment for tomorrow.”
The old lady nodded and asked, “How much can I withdraw right now?”
“Up to $3,000,” the teller replied warmly.
“Perfect,” the old lady said. “I’ll take it.”
Moments later, the teller returned with the cash, smiling and treating her like royalty.
The old lady carefully placed $10 into her purse… then handed the remaining $2,990 back across the counter.
“I’d like to deposit this back into my account, please.”
Teacher: “If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven.”
Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Six.”
Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?”
Johnny: “Seven!”
Teacher: “Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!”
Johnny: “Because I’ve already got a freaking cat!”
A father watched his daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was.
Suddenly, she stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over and saw she was looking at two spiders mating.
“Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?” she asked.
“They’re mating,” her father replied.
“What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?” she asked.
“That’s a Daddy Longlegs,” her father answered.
“So, the other one is Mommy Longlegs?” the little girl asked.
“No,” her father replied. “Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.”
The little girl thought for a moment, then picked up one foot and stomped them flat.
“Well,” she said, “that might be okay in California and Massachusetts, but we’re not having any of that crap here in Texas!”
A blonde city girl named Amy marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, as he heads out to check on the cows, the rancher says:
“The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows. I drove a nail into the 2×4 above the stall of the cow I want bred. Please show him where she is when he gets here.”
The rancher leaves for the fields.
A while later, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the door.
“I’m here to inseminate the cow,” he says.
Amy leads him down to the barn and walks along the row of cows. When she sees the nail, she says, “This is the one right here.”
The man smirks, assuming he’s dealing with a clueless blonde.
“Tell me,” he says, “how do you know that’s the right cow?”
“That’s simple,” she replies. “By the nail that’s over its stall,” she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man asks, “And what exactly is the nail for?”
Amy turns to leave and says over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”
An Irish man is sitting at a bar, then a Chinese man sits down next to him…
The Chinese man takes a drink, and the Irish man says to him, “Do you know Kung Fu?”
The Chinese man says, “Why, because I’m Chinese? That’s just racist!”
The Irish man says, “No, I ask because you’re drinking my beer.”
