A very handsome man decided it was his duty to marry the perfect woman so they could have unbelievably beautiful children. So he set out on a mission to find her.
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Unleash ChaosTone: ironic
Ironic humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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The Irishman and the Ten Pint Bet
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and shouts, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers! I’ll put down $500 to anyone who can drink 10 pints back-to-back!”
The entire pub goes silent. Nobody moves.
Then one Irishman quietly stands up and walks straight out the door.
About 30 minutes later, he returns, taps the Texan on the shoulder, and asks, “That bet still good?”
“Sure is!” the Texan says.
The bartender lines up ten pints — full glasses from one end of the bar to the other.
Without a blink, the Irishman downs all 10 pints in a row and slams the last one down like a champion.
The bar erupts with cheers. The Texan pays the $500 — totally stunned.
He asks, “If you don’t mind me askin’, where’d you run off to for that half hour?”
The Irishman grins, “Oh, I just popped down to the pub around the corner to see if I could do it first.”
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Only 40,000 Miles Now
A woman wanted to sell her car but couldn’t find any buyers. She called her friend for advice, and her friend asked how many miles were on the car.
“235,000,” she said.
Her friend told her that was the problem but said her brother was a mechanic who could roll the mileage back to whatever she wanted.
So the woman went to the mechanic and told him to set it to 40,000.
Two days later, her friend asked if she had sold the car now that the mileage had been lowered.
The woman replied, “Why would I sell the car? There are only 40,000 miles on it now!”
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The Squire of the High Pot and Noose
A perfectly triangular lake has three kingdoms along its three sides.
The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people.
The second kingdom is more humble, but still enjoys its fair share of wealth and influence.
The third kingdom is poor and struggling, with barely enough resources to maintain an army.
Eventually, the three kingdoms go to war over control of the lake, which has become a valuable resource.
The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armor money can buy, each accompanied by a personal squire.
The second kingdom sends 50 knights, equipped with fine leather armor and supported by several dozen squires of their own.
The third kingdom can only send a single knight — an elderly warrior long past his prime — along with his faithful squire.
The night before the great battle, the knights of the first kingdom drink and celebrate late into the night.
The knights of the second kingdom aren’t quite as wealthy, but they still have enough grog to keep the festivities going well into the evening.
In the third camp, things are much quieter. The squire takes a rope and throws it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose. He hangs a cooking pot from it, fills it with stew, and shares a humble dinner with the old knight.
The next morning, disaster strikes. The knights of the first two kingdoms are too hungover to fight. The old knight from the third kingdom is simply too old and weary to rise from his bed.
So instead, the squires from all three kingdoms march into battle.
The fighting lasts all day and well into the night. When the dust finally settles, only one squire remains standing: the squire from the third kingdom.
And that just goes to show you that: The squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
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The Birthday Surprise
Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn’t wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot, and so did my kids. I went to work, and even my colleagues didn’t wish me a happy birthday.
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Pipe Down or You’ll Get Us Both Fired
A gorilla at the zoo dies of old age just before opening time. He was the star attraction — the one animal everybody came to see.
The zoo can’t afford a new gorilla right away, so the owner makes a quiet offer to one of the workers: “We’ve got an old gorilla costume in storage. If you put it on and act like the gorilla for a while, I’ll pay you an extra $100 a day.”
The worker agrees, puts on the suit, and goes into the enclosure. To his surprise, the visitors love him. He pounds his chest, swings around, and soon crowds are showing up just to see this “amazingly life-like” gorilla.
After a month, though, the excitement starts to die down. So he decides to put on a little stunt. He climbs to the top of the enclosure, swings over into the neighboring lion habitat… and hangs from the safety net above it!
A huge crowd gathers — gasping and pointing.
Then — his hands slip. He falls right into the lions’ den.
Panicking, he starts yelling, “HELP! Somebody help me! I’m not really a gorilla!”
Suddenly, a massive lion leaps onto him, pinning him to the ground.
The lion leans in close and whispers, “Pipe down, buddy… or you’ll get us both fired.”
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Little Johnny Sells Toothbrushes
The kids filed back into class Monday morning, all excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something and then give a short talk about their sales strategy.
Little Sally went first. “I sold Girl Scout cookies,” she said proudly. “I made $30. My approach was to appeal to people’s kindness!”
“Excellent,” said the teacher.
Little Mary went next. “I sold magazines. I made $45. I told people that magazines help them keep up with the news.”
“Very good, Mary,” said the teacher.
Finally, it was Little Johnny’s turn. He walked to the front, dumped a shoebox full of cash on the teacher’s desk, and said, “$2,467.”
The teacher nearly fainted. “$2,467?! Johnny, what on earth were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes,” Johnny replied.
“Toothbrushes?! How could you sell that many?”
Johnny grinned. “Well, I went to the busiest corner in town and set up a table with a sign that said ‘Free Sample.’ I handed everyone a chip dipped in a little brown mixture. Every single person said the same thing: ‘Eww! That tastes like dog food!’”
“Then I said, ‘It sure does!… Would you like to buy a toothbrush?’”
