What’s the only thing better than winning a gold medal in the Special Olympics?
Not being retarded in the first place.
Tone: irreverent
Irreverent humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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Stop Fucking My Ass
A priest and a voluptuous young woman were alone at the church.
“Ohhh, Father!” whispered the woman into his ear. “Don’t you just wanna come and fuck my pussy?”
“Good heavens, my child, no!” cried the horrified priest. “Always remember: God gave you your womanhood solely for you to bear children with a man who’s your husband.”
“Fine, Father,” said the woman. “Then what about if I give you a blowjob instead?”
“Lord have mercy, my child!” exclaimed the priest. “Don’t you know that your mouth should always be holy and only be used to pray and worship the Lord?”
“You’re right, Father,” conceded the young woman. “So maybe I can give you a handjob?”
“I wouldn’t dream of defiling you like that, child,” admonished the priest. “Your hands were given to you by God so you could accomplish His good works. They should never be used for filthy deeds.”
Then the woman finally lost her patience:
“ALRIGHT THEN, FATHER!! Then just stop fucking my ass, ’cause it’s hurting me a lot!”
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Old woman watching porn on my phone
A very old woman sitting next to me on the train was watching hardcore porn
on my phone.
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Teaching Democracy
Last night, I taught my kids about democracy by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order.
Then I picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.
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The Donkey With a Low IQ
Did you hear the one about the donkey with a low IQ? Nevermind, it’s a stupid-ass joke.
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The Weekend Hunter and the Swollen Eye
A man leaves for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home afterward, he spends the entire weekend hunting with his buddies and blows his whole paycheck.
When he finally gets home Sunday night, his wife is furious. She spends the next two hours giving him an earful.
Finally, she asks, “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
He replies, “That’d be fine with me.”
Monday comes and goes, and he doesn’t see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday pass with the same result.
By Thursday, the swelling has gone down just enough for him to see her out of the corner of his left eye.
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Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like showering without Jerry Sandusky
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like showering without Jerry Sandusky
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Neighbor Can’t Sleep at 2am
My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, “I can’t sleep.”
“Well it’s your lucky day,” I said. “We’ve got a party going on in here, come in.”
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Catch a Falling Star and Blackmail It
Catch a falling star and put it in your pocket. Then tell it that unless you get a cool half-mil, you’ll sell to the highest tabloid bidder those embarrassing photos of it puking naked in the alley.
