Sarcastic jokes, dry insults, eye-roll energy, and punchlines that need a workplace warning from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
A smart-mouthed teen at the back of the class raised his hand and asked…
“Miss, what would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class broke out in laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said… “Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand.”
A man walks into the produce section of his local supermarket and asks to purchase half a head of lettuce. The boy working in the department tells him that lettuce is only sold in whole heads.
Frustrated, the man insists the boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy says to his manager, “Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.” And as he finishes his sentence, he turns to see the man standing right behind him, so he quickly adds, “and this kind gentleman offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
An hour later, the manager finds the boy in the store and says, “I saw what you did there and was really impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?”
“I’m from Canada, sir,” the boy replies.
“Why did you leave Canada for here?” the manager asks.
The boy sarcastically responds, “Sir, there’s nothing but whores and hockey players up there.”
“Oh really,” says the manager, “my wife is from Canada!”
The boy quickly replies, “No shit, who’d she play for?”
One evening, a wife was trying on her brand-new dress in front of the mirror.
Feeling confident and excited, she walked over to her husband with a sweet smile.
Husband: “Well… from the hair, you look like an 18-year-old girl.”
Husband: “From the face, you look like a 20-year-old girl.”
Husband: “And from the body… wow, like a 22-year-old girl!”
Wife: “Aww… stop it, you’re making me blush…”
Wife: “So… overall, how old do I look?”
Husband: “Well… just add them all together.”
A customer asked, “In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?”
The clerk asks, “Are you Polish?”
The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?
Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”
The clerk says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”
The guy says, “Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I’m Polish?”
The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”
A wife asks her husband, a true golf nut, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
He ponders for a moment, then says, “After a proper grieving period, yes, I suppose I would. Companionship is a good thing.”
“If I died and you remarried,” the wife next asks, “would she then live in this house?”
He pauses to collect his thoughts, and then says, “Well, we’ve spent a lot of time and money getting this house to our exact liking. So yes, I think she would.”
“If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house,” the wife continues, “would she also sleep in our bed?”
Not exactly sure where his wife is going with all of this, he offers, “Well, the bed is nearly new and should last for many more years. Yes, I’m sure she would.”
“If I died and you remarried and she lived in this house and slept in our bed,” the wife probes further, “would she use my golf clubs?”
“Oh, no,” the husband replies, far too quickly. “She’s left-handed.”
