Tone: unexpected

Unexpected humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Can You Guys Peel the Cucumbers, Please?

    Can You Guys Peel the Cucumbers, Please?

    French Fries

    Greek Salad
    Request: Can you guys peel the cucumbers, please? If not, no big deal, but my girlfriend acts like a fucking bitch about unpeeled cucumbers like it’s my fault.

    XL 18″ Cheese Pizza

  • The Circumcision

    Two little boys were lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.

    The first boy leans over and asks, “What are you in for?”

    “I’m here to get my tonsils out and I’m nervous,” the second boy says.

    The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about! I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of ice cream and Jell-O. It’s a breeze!”

    “Well, what are you here for?” the second kid asks.

    “A circumcision,” the first kid replies woefully.

    The second kid says, “Wow! I had that done when I was born and I couldn’t walk for a year!”

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  • Only If WW3 Would Start

    Only If WW3 Would Start

    March 2018

    Wanna be my gf? 15:21
    Only if WW3 would start. 15:22

    Today

    Yo 11:49

  • Nope — I Slept With Your Wife

    A man walks into a bar.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”

    The man replies, “I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I’ve decided I’m going to drink myself to death.”

    The bartender looks shocked and says, “I’m sorry, I can’t help you kill yourself.”

    The man asks, “Well, what would you do in my situation?”

    The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says, “If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife, I wouldn’t sit around feeling sorry for myself. I’d kill the guy.”

    The man jumps up from his stool and shouts, “That’s a great idea! Thanks!” Then he runs out of the bar.

    A couple of hours go by, and the bartender starts to get nervous. Then the man walks back in with a smile on his face.

    “Did you kill the guy?” the bartender asks nervously.

    “Nope,” the man says. “I slept with your wife. Whiskey, please.”

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  • Flying Over 20,000 Feet

    Flying Over 20,000 Feet

    Flying Over 20,000 Feet

  • The Interpreter Had Other Plans

    A Chicago mob boss needed someone to collect protection money without talking to the police.

    Clean Mode hides the spicy parts.
    Unleash Chaos

    With cops watching closely, he had an idea.

    “Get me someone who can’t talk. That way, if he gets picked up, he can’t talk to the cops.”

    They bring in Pete — a big bloke who looks mean as hell. He doesn’t speak and communicates only in sign language.

    By the end of the week, Pete has collected $50,000.

    Then he disappears.

    The boss sends two goons. They track Pete down easily, but he just stares at them, expressionless.

    So they drag him to an interpreter.

    One of the goons says, “Ask him where the money is.”

    The interpreter signs it.

    Pete shrugs and signs back, “No idea what you’re talking about.”

    The interpreter says, “He says he doesn’t know anything.”

    The goon pulls out a gun and presses it to Pete’s head.

    “Ask him again.”

    The interpreter hesitates, then signs again.

    Pete immediately folds.

    “Alright! It’s in Central Park, under a tree stump near 78th Street!”

    The interpreter turns back to the goons and says, “He says he doesn’t know anything — and he thinks you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

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  • Apparently, ‘Anything’ Doesn’t Include Traffic

    A guy is sitting at a bar looking dejected.

    The bartender says, “What’s wrong, buddy?”

    The guy says, “My wife is divorcing me.”

    “Why? What happened?”

    “Well,” says the guy, “my wife said, ‘If anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.’”

    “So?” says the bartender.

    The guy sighs. “Apparently, ‘anything’ doesn’t include getting stuck in traffic.”

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  • Mother Nature and the Buttercups

    I was out playing golf and sliced a shot into a field of buttercups.

    Just as I was about to hit, I heard a voice say, “Don’t hurt any buttercups.”

    I asked, “Who are you?”

    “I’m Mother Nature. If you can chip out of this field of buttercups without harming a single one, I’ll guarantee you have butter every day for the rest of your life.”

    I said, “Screw you. Where were you last week when I sliced into a field of pussy willows?”

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  • The Lone Ranger’s Three Wishes

    The Lone Ranger is riding across the range when he gets captured by a group of Native Americans.

    The tribal leader shows the Lone Ranger his deepest respect, as the Ranger is considered an honorable man. He offers the Ranger three wishes before he is to be put to death by fire.

    The Ranger calls for his faithful horse, Silver, and whispers in the horse’s ear. The horse rides off into the distance and a short time later returns with a beautiful blonde riding in his saddle.

    The tribal leader is impressed and offers his personal tent to the Ranger. After some time in the tent, the Ranger emerges and asks for his horse again. He whispers in the horse’s ear, and Silver darts off into the distance. This time, Silver returns with a beautiful brunette on his saddle.

    The tribal leader is impressed yet again and gestures toward his tent. Once the Ranger emerges from the tent, he asks to see his horse one last time.

    The Ranger slaps Silver as hard as he can and says, “Read my lips, you stupid horse! I said POSSE!”

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  • When Jokes Turn Serious: The Singing Saga

    I thought my wife was joking when she said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop singing “I’m a Believer.”
    Then I saw her face.