Tone: unexpected

Unexpected humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • A Joke That Backfired

    It’s amazing how a joke can backfire.

    I was in a bar and told the following joke:

    “What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?

    Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.”

    Once the laughing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, crying and talking to the bartender.

    The bartender came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him.

    I thought I should apologize.

    I approached the gentleman and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had offended him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic, and it was a seizure that killed him.

    Ignorant as I am, I wondered how a seizure could actually kill someone. The man said that his son had choked, passed out, and hit his head, and that was what had killed him. I asked where this happened, and the man said it was in the bathtub. I realized then how inappropriate my joke seemed in the moment.

    “Did your son choke on his own tongue?” I asked.

    “No,” replied the man. “He choked on one of my socks!”

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  • A Round Of Golf

    Joe, Ed, and Bob are on the course playing a round when a funeral procession passes by. Joe stops what he’s doing, stands straight, removes his hat, and bows his head.

    Ed says, “Damn, I didn’t know Joe was so respectful of the dead!”

    Bob says, “Yeah, well, they would’ve been married 30 years next week.”

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  • Ten Years On The Island

    A man is stranded on an island for 10 years. He sees something in the distance coming his way. As it gets closer, he recognizes that it is a person in scuba gear swimming his way. When the person reaches the shore and stands up, he sees that it is a gorgeous woman.

    She asks him, “How long have you been here?”

    “10 years,” he says.

    She asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

    “10 years.”

    She unzips a little pocket and takes out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. She lights one up for him and hands it to him. As he takes a puff, she says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a shot of whiskey?”

    “10 years,” he says.

    She unzips another pocket, takes out a silver flask, and hands it to him. Then she asks, “How long has it been since you’ve played around?” and starts unzipping the front of her wetsuit.

    He gets very excited and says, “10 years. I can’t believe you have a set of clubs in there!”

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  • Joe And Ed At Work

    I was just starting work when two of my coworkers, Joe and Ed, walked in and were refusing to even look at each other. I asked Joe what the issue was, and he asked me if I’d wanna play golf with someone who cheats. I said no.

    Then Joe asked me if I’d wanna play golf with someone who throws their ball out of the sand trap and claims they hit it. I said no again.

    Joe asked me if I’d wanna play golf with someone who changes their scores when no one was looking. I got mad and said, “No! I wouldn’t at all.”

    Then Joe looked meek and said, “Yeah, well, neither does Ed…”

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  • The Impossible Golf Ball

    A friend of mine came up to me at the golf course with a ball that he said was impossible to lose. I asked him to explain.

    “Well,” explained my friend, “it has a chip in it, so if you lose it, you can find it with your phone. If you hit it in the water, it floats up to the surface and can get to the side using a tiny engine inside the ball.”

    “Wow, that’s amazing! Where did you get this ball?”

    “Found it!”

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  • A Lucky Night At The Bar

    I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60+-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter.

    We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I’d ever had a Sportsman’s Double. ‘What’s that?’ I asked. ‘It’s a mother-and-daughter threesome,’ she said.

    As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, ‘No, I haven’t.’

    We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, ‘Tonight’s your lucky night.’ We went back to her place.

    We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs, ‘Mom… you still awake?’

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  • A Florida Vacation

    A man and his wife lived in New York, and it was winter, so they wanted to take a vacation to Florida for some nice weather.

    One small hiccup, though: they were unable to take the same plane. So they agreed that the husband would go to Florida first, and the wife would follow the next day.

    The man arrived in Florida safe and sound, and he used a hotel computer to email his wife, letting her know he made it. The problem, though, was that he accidentally forgot a letter in the email address, so the email went to the wrong person.

    This wrong person happened to be a woman who buried her husband that very day. He was a minister. She decided to check her email in case anyone from her church wanted to send her condolences and words of encouragement. Needless to say, when she saw an email that started, “Dear loving wife,” she fainted. Her son heard her faint from the other room and rushed to his mother’s computer room to check on her. She was okay, but this is the email he found on her computer:

    “Dear loving wife,

    I have arrived.

    I’m sure you’re surprised to be hearing from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.

    I have been checked in. Don’t worry, preparations have already been made for your arrival tomorrow.

    I hope your journey here is as uneventful as mine was.

    P.S. It sure is hot down here.”

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  • A Third Opinion

    A woman decides she wants to get a tattoo of Elvis on her inner thigh. She goes to a local parlor but is really dissatisfied with the resulting portrait. So, the guy goes ahead and tries again on her other thigh. Again, she’s not satisfied with the results.

    “Look, lady,” he says, “I’m sorry you’re not happy, but there’s nothing wrong with the art I did. You need to pay up.”

    “No way,” she says. “Neither of them look like the King of Rock and Roll. I’m not paying you a cent.”

    They bicker about it for a bit and decide to get a third opinion. The next guy who walks past the shop gets corralled in by the artist. The lady hikes up her skirt and says, “Okay, do you recognize those faces?”

    The guy takes a long look, then replies, “Well, I don’t know about those other dudes, but the guy in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson!”

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  • The New Bull

    A farmer has two bulls and lots of cows, but both bulls are too old to mate anymore. One day, the farmer buys a third bull. The new bull is much younger and more energetic than the other two, and immediately starts mating with cow after cow.

    One of the two old bulls starts huffing, snorting, and pawing the ground. “Don’t try to compete with him,” says the other old bull. “You’re too old. He’d laugh at you.”

    “I’m not trying to compete with him,” says the first old bull. “I just want him to know I’m not a cow.”

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  • Avram’s New Cow

    Avram needs a new milk cow, so he travels to Minsk to buy one. When he returns, he immediately sees a problem with the new cow.

    Every time the bull approached and mounted the cow to mate, the cow would pull away and run to the other side of the pasture. This went on for several days.

    Getting desperate and not knowing what to do, Avram contacted his rabbi for advice. He explained, “Rabbi, my new cow will not let the bull mate. Every time he tries, she runs to the other side of the pasture.”

    The rabbi thinks for a moment, then asks, “Avram, did you, perhaps, get this cow in Minsk?”

    “Why, yes! How could you have known that?”

    There was a long pause, then the rabbi sighed, “My wife is from Minsk.”

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