Tone: unexpected

Unexpected humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • At The Dentist

    “I’d rather go through the pain of childbirth again than let you drill in my mouth,” a woman told her dentist.

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    He replied, “Well, please make up your mind so I can adjust my chair.”

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  • John’s Birthday At The Club

    A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club on his birthday.

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    At the club, the doorman says, “Hi, John. How are you doing today?”

    The wife asks, “How did he know your name?”

    John says, “Oh! Honey, I played football with him in college.”

    Inside, the bartender says, “As usual, John?”

    John says to his wife, “Before you say anything, he’s on the bowling team.”

    Then a stripper asks, “Hi, John. Do you want the special again?”

    The wife doesn’t wait for him to give an excuse anymore. She drags him into a taxi…

    Then the taxi driver says, “Hey, Johnny boy! You picked up an ugly one this time!”

    John’s funeral is next week…

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  • The Bar Menu

    A man walks into a bar.

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    Upon sitting down, a busty blonde waitress pours him a drink and asks if he would like some food.

    He looks up at the menu above the bar.

    It says, “Hot Dog $2, Cheeseburger $5, Handjob $10.”

    He asks the waitress, “Miss, are you the one who gives the handjobs?”

    She winks and replies, “Why, yes, I am.”

    He says, “Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger.”

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  • Dog Chasing a Rhino

    Dog Chasing a Rhino

    I was extremely drunk that day.

  • Afternoon Tea With Cannibals

    Two cannibal friends are sitting together over afternoon tea.

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    One looks across the table and asks, “Hey, I heard you and your boyfriend had a massive argument last night?”

    “Oh, absolutely,” she replies. “It was dreadful.”

    “So, where do things stand between you two now?”

    She pauses, takes a delicate sip from her teacup, and says, “Well… right now, I’m just letting him stew.”

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  • My Best Friend In Bed

    I came home and found my wife in bed with my best friend!

    She was stroking him, and he was licking her!

    I did what any red-blooded man would do under such circumstances.

    I rolled up a newspaper, bopped him on the nose with it, and yelled:

    “Bad dog! BAD dog!”

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  • The Slow Foursome on the Golf Course

    A priest, a doctor, and a golfer are waiting at a tee while a painfully slow group plays ahead of them.

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    After watching them take forever, the golfer finally explodes:

    “What is wrong with these guys?! They’re terrible!”

    The caddy nearby says,

    “Oh, you didn’t hear? That group is made up of firefighters who lost their sight saving people from a burning building. They play once a week.”

    The priest bows his head and says,

    “That’s so tragic… I’ll say a prayer for them tonight.”

    The doctor says,

    “I know a specialist who might be able to help restore some vision.”

    The golfer pauses, then says…

    “Why can’t they just play at night?”

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  • The Husband Who Cried the Most

    A bus full of housewives on a picnic trip tragically veered off a bridge and fell into a river. All the wives passed away…

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    Each husband cried for a week, except for one, who kept crying for more than two weeks!

    When asked why he was so devastated, he replied miserably: “My wife missed the bus!”

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  • Got Here in Two

    A golfer tees up his ball on the first tee, takes a mighty swing, and hits the ball into a clump of trees.

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    After looking for a minute, he finds the ball and sees that there’s an opening between two trees, and like every ‘weekend professional’ he’s completely confident that he can make the perfect shot!

    Taking out a 3 iron, closing the club-face and his shoulder, he executes a low punch shot that comes off the face like a bullet.

    The ball hits a tree, bounces straight back, hits him in the forehead and kills him instantly!

    As he approaches the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asks, “Are you a good golfer?”

    The man replied, “Got here in two, didn’t I?”

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  • The Snail at the Door

    A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door…

    He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch.

    He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.

    A year later, there’s another knock at the door.

    He opens it and sees the same snail.

    The snail says, “Have I upset you?”

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