Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • The Genie’s Wish

    A father, mother and child are sitting down to dinner. The boy sees a strange-looking lamp in the middle of the table. He reaches over and rubs the side of it playfully.

    A genie appears suddenly. The boy asks, “Are you a genie like in Aladdin?”

    “I can grant each of you one wish. You can choose one thing and you will have a lifetime supply. You just go to where that thing is, show me, and voilà! It’s yours for life.”

    The mom runs to the car excited and says, “I want a lifetime supply of wine!” The boy screams, “I want a lifetime supply of candy!” The mom then realizes the dad is pulling out in their other car. The mom yells, “Where are you going?”

    The dad yells back, “The strip club!”

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  • The Strip Club

    One afternoon, a child told his mother that he had visited the strip club. His mother was upset about this! “Well, did you see anything that you weren’t supposed to see?” she questioned her son.

    “Yes — I saw Dad!” he said.

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  • Calendar Company

    Why did the employee at the calendar company get fired?

    He took a day off.

  • That, Gentlemen, Is Courage

    A Russian, an American, and a British admiral were having a drink on an American aircraft carrier. They were talking about the bravery of their sailors.

    The Russian said, “I will demonstrate the bravery of our sailors.”

    He calls a sailor over and says, “Jump off the ship. Swim under it and climb back up.”

    The sailor promptly salutes and jumps off the flight deck, swims under the ship, climbs up the davits and stands in front of the admiral and salutes.

    The Russian says, “That, gentlemen, is courage.”

    The American says, “That’s nothing.”

    He calls over a PO and says, “I want you to jump off the bow. Swim under the ship to the stern and then return.”

    The PO salutes, jumps off the bow, swims to the stern, and climbs back up to stand in front of the admiral and salutes.

    The American says, “That, gentlemen, is courage.”

    The British admiral says, “That’s nothing. Sailor, come here.”

    The matelot comes to attention and salutes.

    The admiral says, “I want you to climb the highest mast on the carrier, jump off, swim under the boat from bow to stern and then from beam to beam, then climb up the mast and do it again.”

    The matelot looks at the admiral and says, “You can fuck right off, sir!”

    The admiral turns to the other two and says, “And that, gentlemen, is courage.”

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  • The Confessional

    A drunk staggers into a Catholic church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

    The priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.

    Finally, the priest pounds three times on the wall.

    The drunk mumbles, “Ain’t no use knockin’, there’s no paper on this side either.”

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  • Go Deeper But Out of Poems

    Go Deeper But Out of Poems

    When she says “go deeper” but you’ve run out of poems

  • Parsley Farm

    I just got hired at a parsley farm.

    It’s pretty easy work, but the downside is that they started garnishing my wages.

  • Double or Nothing

    A certain country was ruled by a dictator who was very paranoid. He rarely appeared in public; he preferred to send one of his many doubles.

    One day, an enemy attacks the palace. The survival of the dictator is in question. The doubles await news, trembling in fear. If the dictator dies, they would be no longer useful, and with all the secrets they know, the new regime surely wouldn’t let them live.

    Finally, they are called into a conference room. One of the dictator’s chief advisors enters.

    “My dear doubles!” he says. “I have good news and bad news. The good news is that our beloved leader has survived the dastardly attack, and so, your services are still very much required.”

    The doubles collectively sigh with relief.

    Then a big man with an axe enters the room.

    “Now for the bad news,” continues the advisor. “He lost an arm…”

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  • Red Flags Everywhere

    I broke up with my girlfriend of five years because I found out she was a communist.

    I should have known — there were red flags everywhere.

  • Invisible

    I thought I was invisible, so I went to the doctor…

    …unfortunately, he couldn’t see me.