Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Our Prayers Have Been Answered

    A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, l have a problem.

    I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

    “What do they say?” the priest inquired.

    “They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?”

    “That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but l have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and l will put them in with my two male parrots who l taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to worship.”

    “Thank you!” the woman responded. So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. The priest’s two parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

    The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?” One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!”

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  • Havent Seen You for Weeks

    A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

    “Because he used to live in a brothel” says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

    When she gets home the parrot says: “Fuck me, a new brothel!” The woman laughs.

    When her daughters get home the parrot says: “Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!” The girls laughs too.

    When the dad gets home the parrot says: “Fuck me Pete, haven’t seen you for weeks!”

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  • You Can Choose Any Prize From the Bottom Shelf

    A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

    They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment where he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized bears on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf.

    The man is rather surprised that she would have a collection of teddy bears, especially a collection so extensive, but he decided not to mention it. He turned to her… they kissed… and then they ripped each other’s clothes off and made passionate love.

    After an intense night of passion, as were are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolled over and asked the stupid question that all men seem to ask at some point: “Well, how was it?”

    The woman says, “You can choose any prize from the bottom shelf.”

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  • Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)

    The Top 15 Warnings on Condom Packages (Part II)

    15. Strawberry flavoring provides no actual nutrients.

    14. Caution: Your partner may become unwilling to purchase the cow when milk is plentiful and free of charge.

    13. Help! I’m trapped in a condom factory in Hong Kong.

    12. Do not use if already semen-filled.

    11. Will not prevent the endless ridicule from best friends who saw you leaving the bar with the mustached woman shortly before closing time.

    10. Caution: Sheep have been known to bite.

    9. Training wheels not included, Quick-Draw McGraw.

    8. Expires: 4/1/07. Hell, you might as well just throw this away now, Sparky.

    7. After closing time at the bar, some settling may occur.

    6. Use of this product outside the holy sacrament of marriage may cause eternal suffering in hell. Just saying.

    5. Warning: Object in condom may be substantially smaller than wearer claims.

    4. “Reservoir” tip is a naming convention only and not meant to describe actual holding capacity.

    3. Does not protect against cucumber aphids.

    2. Personally Inspected by John Ashcroft.

    1. Caution: Always keep in a moist, dark place.

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 15 Things Said by Celebrities During Sex

    The Top 15 Things Said by Celebrities During Sex

    15. Madonna: “Dammit, you’re blocking the mirror!”

    14. Verizon Wireless guy: “Can you feel me now? Good. Can you feel me now? Good. Can you….”

    13. Charlie Sheen: “Do you take MasterCard?”

    12. Susan Sarandon: “Let’s just continue with the inspections for a little while longer.”

    11. Anna Nicole Smith: “Quick! Someone get a defibru… a defebrul… a diffruberal… a doctor!!”

    10. Jack Webb: “Just relax, Ma’am.”

    9. Andy Rooney: “Didja ever notice how sometimes your anus contracts during orgasm? Why is that?”

    8. Winona Ryder: “How the hell should *I* know where your wallet is?!?”

    7. Ben Affleck: “Thank you, Satan!”

    6. Steve Irwin: “Crikey! A whopper like that could swallow a guy whole!”

    5. Tony Blair: “Mind if I call you ‘Georgie’?”

    4. Pat Sajak: “Yes, I can give you an ‘O’ — in fact, I can give you several!”

    3. Wilt Chamberlain: “Next!”

    2. Michael Jackson: “Where’s your daddy? Where’s your daddy?!?”

    1. Simon Cowell: “That was horrible! Just dreadful. I believe you may be the worst sex partner in the world! I mean it, that was absolutely atrocious. I wouldn’t even call that sex.”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV

    The Top 15 Signs Your Partner Learned About Sex by Watching TV

    15. Lovemaking lasts exactly 30 minutes and includes eight minutes of telling you what’s on her Christmas list.

    14. Every every time you remove your pants, you hear that damned laugh-track.

    13. He tries to kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning.

    12. The promised “wacky hijinks” when you get back to her place are, in fact, just wacky hijinks.

    11. Tries to get you in the mood by whispering, “Tonight, on a very special ‘Pecker’….”

    10. Always gives a wide-eyed “Well, gollllyyy!” when you take off your bra and a “SHAZAM!” for the panties.

    9. Every time you take a break, he sleeps with the Dell intern.

    8. He won’t finish until you say “It’s a good thing” while arranging a doily on his chest.

    7. To liven things up a bit, he brings in his cousin Oliver for a threesome.

    6. Shouts “D’OH!!” every time he ejaculates prematurely.

    5. She always wants you to guess which room she’s naked in, but if you pick the wrong door, you’re stuck with a farm animal.

    4. The mirror on the ceiling has a network logo in the bottom right corner.

    3. He narrates his every move with a fake Australian accent: “Crikey! Now, this position is *really* dangerous….”

    2. “It’s not an affair, honey, it’s a spin-off.”

    1. Makes you wait until next week to see the exciting climax.

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 15 Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate

    The Top 15 Signs Your Neighbor is a Playboy Playmate

    15. You get an angry phone call at 2 A.M. describing your barking dog as “a real turn-off.”

    14. Every bush in her yard is trimmed in the shape of bunny ears.

    13. Your wife forbids you to do yard work.

    12. Cops break up loud parties at her place just like anywhere else, but they suck their guts in and pop a few Tic-Tacs before knocking.

    11. Your son: “C’mon dad, PLEASE let me camp out in the backyard!”
    You: “Son, go home before your wife and kids start to wonder where you are.”

    10. The Neighborhood Watch program takes on a whole new meaning, thanks to a bunch of lonely guys with binoculars.

    9. Her lawn is kept completely bare on the edges and trimmed neatly down the middle.

    8. There’s always a traffic jam on your street when she’s mowing the lawn, and you live on a cul-de-sac.

    7. You’ve spoken with her hundreds of times but still have no idea what color her eyes are — or if she even *has* any.

    6. Attendance at your neighborhood barbecue skyrockets after she announces she’ll “bring the buns.”

    5. After helping her trim her trees, your husband brings home more wood than you can handle.

    4. There are so many 13-year-olds mowing her lawn it sound like the Indy 500.

    3. You have a steady stream of teenage boys asking if you’d like your walk shoveled. In August. In Los Angeles.

    2. Her occupation is listed clearly as “Playboy Playmate” on the restraining order she just took out against you.

    1. Your local Domino’s new guarantee: “Your pizza is there in four minutes or less, or your neighbor can spank us like naughty, naughty little boys!”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence

    The Top 15 Rejected Slogans Promoting Abstinence

    15. Abstinence: Give Yourself a Hand!

    14. I say zip it — zip it good!

    13. Just because it’s the most pleasurable sensation you’ll ever feel in your lifetime doesn’t mean you should rush right out and experience it.

    12. Hey, do you want Ken Starr all over your ass?!

    11. Wham, Bam, Thank You Hand!

    10. Just Say Whoa

    9. Join the celibate Top 5 Contributors!

    8. The Pope does it — now *you* can, too!

    7. Abstinence: It’s not just for quarrels anymore!

    6. Leave It Near Beaver

    5. Don’t think of it as less sex — think of it as more time to watch “Babylon 5” reruns.

    4. You’ve come a long way, Baby — for nothing!

    3. Abstinence: No f**kin’ way!

    2. Spend a little time away from the orifice.

    1. “Hello, this is President Clinton with an important message for young people…”

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

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  • Top 15 Porn Goddess Pet Peeves

    The Top 15 Porn Goddess Pet Peeves

    15. Recent flood of scripts with scenes involving cigars.

    14. Your SAG card isn’t as impressive as it could be because it bears the name “BUSTY CHIXX.”

    13. Video sales dropped 20% after Starr Report posted on the Web.

    12. Wow! I can’t believe that a gorgeous adult video queen is *actually* reading one of my submissions!! I’m sorry — what was the question?

    11. Inconsiderate jerk co-stars who grab the refried bean lunch special at the studio commissary.

    10. Auto mechanic always over-stressing the words pump, hose, fill and lube when he works on your car.

    9. Can’t enjoy a simple hot dog without thinking about work.

    8. Friggin’ plumber always seems to break more than he fixes, conveniently guaranteeing himself weekly visits to the house.

    7. Chauffeurs who keep asking if you want your top down.

    6. Mail keeps getting misdelivered ever since you named yourself after a continent.

    5. Directors who think that putting a girl on her knees on a rock-hard pool table under burning hot set lights for 5 hours straight with the ugliest partner known to man

    4. Those embarrassing “Bring Your Daughter To Work Day” moments.

    3. Trying to remove that piece of glued-on, strategically placed black paper after the magazine photo shoot.

    2. All that pesky dialogue — was my line “yes, yes, oh baby!”, or “oh baby, yes, yes!”?

    1. IRS auditors who keep demanding tangible evidence for “proof of employment.”

    [ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
    [ The Top 5 List http://www.topfive.com ]

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  • Top 15 Wrigley Viagra Gum Slogans (regular version)

    The Top 15 Wrigley Viagra Gum Slogans (regular version)

    15. Double your measure, double your gun

    14. Share a stick with the one you love

    13. Just like the Cubs at Wrigley Field, you, too, will be able to play at night!

    12. The flavor that never lets you down

    11. We put the “spear” in “spearmint”

    10. Double your pleasure, double your fun, halve your whining about how it’s never happened before

    9. Chew it all the way home

    8. New Wrigley’s Viagra gum: We bring your thing to life

    7. Time for the seven-inch stretch!

    6. Melts in your mouth, not in your pants

    5. Have *you* had a stick lately?

    4. Hey old man, wanna piece of candy?

    3. Recommended by 4 out of 5 dentists as an effective way to fill cavities

    2. Forget the flavor — *you’ll* be like a bedpost overnight

    1. It’s Wrigidly Delicious!

    [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
    [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

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