I walked down the street dressed as a screwdriver.
I turned a few heads.
Tone: witty
Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.
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I turned a few heads
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The Three Stages of Marital Sex
A young man is getting ready for his wedding with his dad’s help.
While dressing, the dad says, “So you’re okay on the sex thing, right, son?”
“Yeah, sure, Dad. It’s all cool.”
The dad continues, “So you’re familiar with the three stages of marital sex, are you?”
“The three what?! Whatever, Dad. I got it!”
“No, really,” says the dad. “There are three stages of marital sex.”
“Okay, Dad. I’ll bite. What’s the story?”
The dad says, “There’s honeymoon sex, holiday sex, and hallway sex.
Honeymoon sex is what you would expect – you and your wife can’t get enough of each other. You’re constantly going at it.
But as life gets busy with kids, careers, and bills, the holiday sex stage takes over. You really only have time to get intimate on special occasions.
Then, finally, you reach the stage of hallway sex.”
“What’s that?” the son asks.
“Well, basically, that’s when you and your wife pass each other in the hallway and say, ‘Fuck you.’”
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Don’t let Kevin Bacon die
Ever since Johnny Cash died, we’ve had no cash. Ever since Steve Jobs died, we’ve had no jobs. Please God, don’t let Kevin Bacon die.
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How do you know it was on its way to work?
I told my daughter that I saw a deer on the way to work this morning. She asked me, “How do you know it was on its way to work?”
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An escasooner
What’s faster than an escalator?
An escasooner.
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She slowly came around
Last night at the airport, there was a woman totally passed out on the baggage carousel.
She slowly came around.
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A Long Time — We’re Buildin’ a Garage
A couple of rednecks pull into a lumberyard. One goes in and asks the clerk for some four-by-twos.
“You mean two-by-fours?” the clerk asks.
The redneck says, “I’ll go check.”
He goes back to the car, asks his buddy, and returns a minute later.
“Yeah, two-by-fours will be fine,” he tells the clerk.
“All right,” says the clerk. “And how long?”
“Just a minute,” says the redneck, and heads back out to the car.
A minute later he comes back and says, “A long time. We’re buildin’ a garage.”
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All of the seats were already taken
Unfortunately, I showed up late to the kleptomaniacs’ conference.
Needless to say, all of the seats were already taken. -
All the digging
What’s the worst thing about having sex in a cemetery?
All the digging.
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Tell That to Mrs. Coolidge
It’s said that President and Mrs. Coolidge were invited to visit a Department of Agriculture station that was working on ways to improve farming. Two agents guided them separately.
When Mrs. Coolidge was brought to the chicken yard, she noticed a rooster doing his duty. She asked how many times the rooster could provide service per day and was told dozens of times.
She replied, “Tell that to the President when he comes by.”
Later, when the President was informed of that fact, he asked, “Same hen every time?”
He was told, “No, a different hen every time.”
He responded, “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”
