Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • A Free and Independent Nation

    An American man gets married to a British woman…

    Before the big night, his father tells him:

    “Tonight, I want you to carry your wife in your arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.

    Then I want you to throw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation.

    And finally I want you to take off your clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”

    After the big night, the father asks his son, “So how was it?”

    Son: “Well, I carried her in my arms to show her that the US is a strong nation.”

    Father: “Good!”

    Son: “Then I threw her on the bed to show her that the US is a proud nation.”

    Father: “Yeah!”

    Son: “And then I took off my clothes to show her that the US is a beautiful nation.”

    Father: “Very good! And then what did you do?”

    Son: “I jacked off in front of her.”

    Father: “What? Why would you do that for?”

    Son: “To show her that the US is a free and independent nation!”

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  • The Chicken Was Delicious

    Four brothers left home for college — one became a lawyer, one a doctor, one a scientist, and one an entertainer. They all went on to be very successful.

    When their elderly mother was living alone, each son decided to give her a special gift.

    Years later, the brothers were talking about what they had done for her.

    The first said, “I had a beautiful, large house built for Mama.”

    The second said, “I installed a state-of-the-art home theater — cost a small fortune.”

    The third said, “I bought her a brand-new luxury car with a full-time chauffeur.”

    The fourth smiled and said, “You know how Mama loves reading the Bible — and you know her eyesight isn’t what it used to be. I sent her a parrot that can recite the entire Bible from memory. It took 12 scholars and 20 years to teach him. I had to pledge $100,000 a year for 20 years, but it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name the book, chapter, and verse.”

    A few weeks later, Mom sent out her thank-you notes.

    To the first son, she wrote: “The house you built is enormous. I live in one room, but I have to clean the whole thing. Thank you, dear.”

    To the second son, she wrote: “The theater is lovely, but I don’t hear well anymore and I can barely see. Thank you anyway.”

    To the third son, she wrote: “The car is beautiful, but I rarely go anywhere. I mostly stay home. Thank you all the same.”

    And to the fourth son, she wrote: “You were the only one who truly put thought into your gift. The chicken was delicious.”

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  • Already Working on a Murder Case

    A dizzy blonde decided she wanted to be a police detective. She visited her local police station to apply for a job and approached the desk sergeant.

    The officer decided to have some fun and asked her a few questions.

    “First, what’s a silver dollar made of?”

    She thought for a moment before answering, “Um… Silver?”

    “Good. Now, what color is a New York taxi?”

    “Erm… Yellow, I think?”

    “Very good,” said the officer. “Now, a more difficult one – who killed John F. Kennedy?”

    She scratched her head and thought for a minute before saying, “I’m sorry, I don’t know.”

    The officer said, “Go home, think about it some more, and come back tomorrow.”

    That night, she called her friend, who asked if she got the job.

    She said, “Not only did I get the job… I’m already working on a murder case.”

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  • Nothing Good to Eat Between Thanksgiving and Christmas

    A woman goes into a tattoo parlour and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line…

    She also wants him to put “Happy Thanksgiving” under the turkey.

    So the guy does it, and it comes out looking really good.

    The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with “Merry Christmas” up on her left thigh.

    So the guy does it, and it comes out looking good, too.

    As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”

    She says, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there’s nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

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  • No Honey, No Butter

    One afternoon Tommy was playing in the backyard when he smacked a buzzing honeybee with a stick.

    His dad saw it and said, “Tommy! That’s not nice. Because of that, you’re not getting any honey for a whole month!”

    A little later, Dad walked outside again and caught Tommy pulling the wings off a butterfly.

    “Well, that does it,” his dad said. “No butter for you for a month either!”

    That evening, Tommy’s mom was making dinner in the kitchen when a cockroach suddenly ran across the floor. She shrieked, grabbed her slipper, and squashed it flat.

    She turned around and noticed Tommy and his dad staring at her.

    Tommy looked up at his father and said, “Well, Dad… are you going to explain it to her, or should I?”

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  • Little Johnny and the Mortgage

    Little Johnny wanted a $200 bike, but his dad shut him down fast:

    “Son, we have an $80,000 mortgage and I just got fired. No bike. Period.”

    Two days later, Johnny is at the front door with a suitcase, looking like he’s moving to Mexico.

    His dad asks, “Where the heck are you going?”

    Johnny looks him dead in the eye and says:

    “Look, I walked past your bedroom this morning. I heard you tell Mom you were ‘pulling out,’ and Mom said she was ‘coming too.’ Well, I’m not an idiot! I’m leaving now because I’ll be damned if I’m the only one left here to pay off that $80,000 mortgage!”

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  • The Elevator Operator

    I took an elevator up to the 69th floor for a meeting and as I was getting out, the operator said, “Have a good day, son.” I grumbled, “Don’t call me son. You’re not my dad.”

    He scratched his head. “No, but I brought you up, didn’t I?”

    After my meeting, I got back on the elevator to go back down and the same operator was there.

    I didn’t say anything to him, but when we got to the ground floor, he said to me, “I’m sorry.”

    “Because you thought you were my dad?” I asked him.

    He shook his head. “No, son, because I let you down.”

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  • Right Up There

    Not sure if a colonoscopy is the most painful medical procedure but it’s right up there!

  • Hung Like a Horse

    This horse and rabbit were hanging out in their pasture when the horse went to get a drink out of the pond. Something spooked him and he fell in the mud and got stuck. The rabbit scampered off and got into the farmer’s Mercedes and drove down, threw a rope, and the horse bit the rope and the rabbit was able to pull them out.

    A couple of days later the rabbit fell in the mud, so the horse wanted to return the favor. He galloped over, straddled the pond and let his dong down for the rabbit to grab onto. The rescue was successful.

    The moral of the story is that when you’re hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes.

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  • The Leprechaun Wish at the World Cup

    England had made the FIFA World Cup final, but poor Nigel was absolutely gutted. Due to a spate of bad financial luck, he had to cancel his plans to travel across the pond and cheer on his countrymen in person.

    While sulking on a walk, he spotted a four-leaf clover.

    “Maybe my luck has turned,” he said hopefully to himself.

    He picked it up, and suddenly, a little leprechaun with a bushy red beard appeared. It did a little dance and sang: “Hiya! I’m Happy McTavish, the magical leprechaun! It’s yer lucky fuckin’ day! Make yourself a wish, and I’ll grant it straight away! He-he-he!”

    Nigel didn’t hesitate. “I wish to be on the pitch with England in the World Cup final!”

    “DONE!”

    The leprechaun snapped its fingers, and a moment later, Nigel was on the pitch. It was all he could do to not burst into tears. Then Nigel thought – Hold on. Where are my arms and legs?

    Then BAM! Kicked in the face. BAM! Kicked in the face. BAM! Kicked in the face.

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