Tone: witty

Witty humor, jokes, memes, and punchlines sorted by emotional damage level from Chaotic Meh — organized so the algorithm can pretend this place has adult supervision.

  • Petey Penguin and the Blown Seal

    Petey Penguin goes on holiday to the land down under and takes a road trip across the Nullarbor Plain, a notoriously isolated road running for thousands of miles through hot, hot desert without a tree in sight.

    After days of driving through endless harsh desert, the engine in his clapped-out combi starts to splutter and die. Through the rippling heat haze ahead of him, Petey thinks he can just make out a servo (petrol station) in the far distance.

    With the air-con in his combi spurting out hot air and the engine spewing out smoke, he manages to limp the van into the shade of the servo.

    Petey’s luck is in! Not only does the servo have a mechanic and workshop, but also a nice air-conditioned shop, complete with a full gelato (ice-cream) bar!

    Petey explains his predicament to the friendly mechanic and then beats a retreat to the shop to cool down. Penguins aren’t great in the heat! He buys a whole tub of vanilla ice-cream and goes to town, like a dog at a tucker box, flippers to beak, no time for spoons, ice-cream flying everywhere!

    After he’s recovered his cool, Petey waddles out to talk to the mechanic, who’s busy working on the car.

    “Any idea what’s wrong with it?” Petey warbles nervously.

    “Yeah-nah. Looks like you’ve blown a seal!” drawls the mechanic.

    “No! It’s just ice-cream, honest!”

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  • I Have Never Been a Mourning Person

    I have a friend who passed away recently and they are having the funeral at 7am. I’ve decided not to go… I have never been a mourning person.

  • The Twenty-Dollar Tomatoes

    A guy went to a supermarket to buy 2 tomatoes.

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    At the checkout, the clerk said, “That’ll be $20.”

    The guy was upset. “Two tomatoes for $20? Are you out of your mind?!”

    The clerk said, “That’s the price, you want them or not?”

    The guy said, “I don’t want them, and you know what you can do with them?”

    The clerk said, “I can’t, there’s already a $10 cucumber there.”

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  • The Detective Training Test

    A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives…

    To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guy a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

    The first guy answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

    The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”

    Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

    The second guy smiles, flips his hair, and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

    The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

    Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

    The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”

    The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

    “Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.” He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file on his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

    “Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

    “That’s easy,” the third guy replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

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  • Sally and the Obstetrician

    Sally, Billy Ray’s wife, pregnant with her first child, was at her obstetrician’s office. When the exam was over, she said, “My husband wants me to ask you…”

    “I know, I know,” the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy.”

    “No, that’s not it at all,” Sally answered. “Billy Ray wants to know if I can still mow the yard.”

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  • David and the Nasty Parrot

    For his birthday, David got a parrot. But this wasn’t your average, sweet-talking bird — oh no. This parrot was fully grown, had a nasty attitude, and a mouth worse than a sailor on bad coffee. Every other word was rude, offensive, or downright unrepeatable. David tried everything to fix this feathered menace. He spoke kindly to it, played soft music, even tried classical music — nothing worked.

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    The more polite David was, the more disrespectful the parrot became. He yelled, it yelled louder. He threatened it, it cursed him out. It was like living with a feathery little gangster.

    One day, at his wit’s end, David lost it. In desperation, he gently shoved the parrot into the freezer for a few seconds — just to cool him off.

    The bird went wild — squawking, scratching, kicking the door — then suddenly… silence.

    Panicked, David flung open the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out, eyes wide and feathers frosty, and said in the most polite tone: “Sir, I deeply apologize for my past behavior. I have seen the error of my ways and will make every effort to be a model citizen from now on. Please forgive me.”

    David stood stunned. Before he could speak, the parrot leaned forward and whispered, “May I ask, what exactly did the poor chicken do?”

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  • The Lawsuit Against the Hospital

    A woman is suing a hospital, claiming that after recent treatment her husband completely lost interest in physical intimacy.

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    In their defense, the hospital stated:

    “All we did was correct his eyesight.”

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  • The New Labourer on the Worksite

    The foreman on a large worksite noticed a new labourer one day and barked at him, “What’s your name?”

    “John,” the new bloke replied.

    The foreman scowled. “Look, I don’t know what kind of wishy-washy worksite you were on before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It’s weak and wastes time. I call my employees by their last name only — Smith, Jones, Baker, that’s all. If I want a job done, I yell, ‘Baker, get this’ or ‘Jones, do that.’ Now that we have that straight, what’s your last name?”

    The new bloke sighed. “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

    The foreman paused briefly for a couple of seconds, then said quietly… “Ok John, the first thing I want you to do is…!”

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  • The Janitor at the Clinic

    Old Doc Henderson had been wanting to get out to his deer stand for weeks, and one Thursday morning he decided enough was enough — the fish and the deer weren’t going to wait forever.

    He pulled his janitor, Clarence, aside and said, “Clarence, I need a favor. I’m going to head out to the woods for the day. You think you can hold down the fort here at the clinic? Answer the phone, show folks in, handle anything minor. I’ll give you fifty dollars.”

    Clarence puffed up a little. “Doc, you can count on me.” So Doc Henderson grabbed his rifle and his thermos and headed out, and Clarence settled behind the front desk like a man born to the role.

    The next morning, Doc came back and found Clarence looking very pleased with himself.

    “Well, Clarence? How did things go?”

    “Smooth as silk, Doc,” Clarence said, leaning back in his chair. “Three patients total. First fellow came in complaining of a headache. I gave him a couple of Tylenol and a glass of water and sent him on his way.”

    “Good thinking,” Doc said. “Second patient?”

    “Lady with a stomachache. I found some Maalox in the cabinet, gave her a dose, and she felt better almost right away.”

    “Excellent,” said Doc. “And the third?”

    Clarence’s expression shifted just slightly. He cleared his throat.

    “Well,” he said, “I was out back having my afternoon cigarette when I heard the front door fly open. I came back inside and found a woman standing in the waiting room in quite a state — very agitated, very distressed.

    Before I could say a word, she had kicked off her shoes, thrown her coat over a chair, and stretched herself right out on the examination table. And she looked up at me and hollered, ‘Please help me — I haven’t seen a man in over two years!’”

    Doc Henderson stared. “Good lord, Clarence. What in the world did you do?”

    Clarence shrugged calmly. “Put drops in her eyes.”

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  • The Soldier Who Broke Cover

    A sergeant yelled at one of his soldiers, “Why did you blow your cover and run out of the bushes?”

    “Sorry, sir. I didn’t move when the dog peed on me. I didn’t move when a snake crawled over me.”

    Sergeant: “Then what happened?”

    “Well sir, two squirrels ran up my pants, and one said, ‘Let’s eat one now, and save the other for winter!’ That’s when I lost it!”

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